I'm sorry

I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while. I have a good reason for not posting. I promised myself that 2010 would be a better year than 2009 and that I would do everything possible to ensure that I enjoyed myself this year. And posting on my blog brings emotions to me that I can’t even explain. So I stepped away for a while…But some things you just can’t run away from…

I’ve passed a few “anniversaries” within the last two months. The first being it’s been once year since we had our first IUI; the second being it’s been one year since our first ever BFP; the third being the heartbreak we were feeling this time last year when we realized I had a blighted ovum; and the fourth anniversary I would say is the worst of them all is my second EDD - 3/12/2010.

I’ve tried to keep my mind far away from these dates. But I don’t think I would consider myself “normal” if I didn’t admit to myself that these dates do bother me. And they especially bother me when I hear a co-worker is leaving because her daughter is in labor and she is a week over-due. I remember in August hearing her announce to people that she was going to be a grandmother again and I remember hearing the due date was so close to mine and I just sat in my cube and cried. Like I am now. I would give anything if that were my mother’s voice I heard with excitement that I was in labor.

We are not actively TTC and we aren’t sure we will ever have the chance to TTC with fertility medicines and procedures as it is so expensive and heartrenching. I can’t see putting down $10,000 (which we don’t have – and maybe this is why I feel this way) to not have a successful pregnancy. I just can’t put myself through it anymore.

So for now we have a week-long vacation planned in May with several other couples. We are headed to the Redneck Riviera ya’ll – Panama City Beach, FL!! Oh yes!! Although, it won’t be as beautiful as our cruise to the Caribbean last year, I am excited as we are going with some really good friends. This is our first ever trip with other couples – usually we go along as we really enjoy our alone time. :)

To any of the blogs that I follow: I hope everyone else is doing well. I’m sorry that I have not commented on your blogs in a while but as I explained about signing onto my blog just doesn’t help bring peace to my life.

"Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines." ~Robert Schuller