Moving on

I know that it has been a while since I've posted. I couldn't bring myself to talk about our failed cycle. I wouldn't even talk to my own mother for the first couple of days. My worst fear came true and to this day I am still shocked that it didn't work. I originally had our WTF appointment scheduled for a few weeks after the failed cycle but I cancelled it. I just couldn't step foot in our RE's office and hear anything negative. My RE called me a couple of times to talk but it was hard to listen as I wanted to run far, far away from discussing the fact that we just threw $15,000 down the drain. His second phone call was to my DH and he wanted him to see the urologist again. That sent me into a tailspin of emotions. If we have 3 frozen why does he need to go see the urologist? I chose to completely ignore the fact that this phone call happened as it just doesn't make sense to me. It's not like it was another failed IUI and it "might" be that his issue is a bigger deal. With IVF as long as we had a couple of good sperm we were good to go...as we did.

Over the past few months I've had many sad days; but lately I've started to accept the path that we are on and am ready to move on. We've talked lately about doing the FET and how many we want to transfer. The day that Dr. S called to tell me the already known news, he mentioned transferring all 3 when we do an FET. I have many reservations about transferring 3. The 3 we have frozen is our last chance at having a biological child. We certainly won't have the money to do another IVF and our insurance won't cover it.

Since we've started talking seriously about doing this I've had a couple of dreams about positive pregnancy tests. They are scaring the heck out of me. One of them the test was so hot it burned me and then I wouldn't go to the doctor as I was afraid of bad news. When I woke up from this dream I had an anxiety attack. The same thing happened to me when we were in the waiting to start IVF stage. Except that panic attack was much different. It happened because I was afraid of a BFN.

I called Tuesday to setup our post-IVF meeting. We are scheduled for Tuesday, September 13. Positive thoughts that it will be a very productive meeting and that we can move forward knowing we are making the best decisions for us.


"Sometimes you gotta lose till you win..." Little Miss by Sugarland