Hasta 2009!

Good riddance 2009! You made this the toughest year of my life and fankly you suck.

Dear 2010,

Can you be nicer to me this year? I sure would appreciate it!

Thanks,
Leigh Ann

Hope everyone has a great new year!!! We're headed out in a few for dinner, drinks and then headed to some bars in Athens - it has been a while and it is SOO NEEDED!!!

Family Christmas Party = Self Pity Party

Every December my husband's extended family has a christmas party that includes food and a gift swap game. Every year it is always held at his Aunt's house where they have built a barn that has a kitchen and a ton of southern antiques. Well, this is the first year that his cousin wasn't able to attend the gathering. She and her family moved to North Dakota last year and she was having surgery the day before. When it was time to eat his Aunt announced that his cousin wouldn't be there today but that she wanted to announce that she is going to be a grandmother for the third time again. Normally, I would be thrilled. On this day, I couldn't stop my emotions. I was overwhelmed and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I started crying right there. I thought about how it should of been us announcing our pregnancy. Luckily, I was able to pull it together quick enough that no one noticed.

Not long after, while everyone was in line getting food I was sitting with my MIL, SIL and neice. They started talking about the babies of the family aren't babies any more. My SIL said that we need more babies in the family. I knew exactly where this was heading. MY SIL then asked if we were still trying. Very quickly, I responded with I don't know and turned my head. I guess I was a dead give-away and she started apologizing profusely. This is when I really lost it. I couldn't stop myself. Here came the ugly cry. The cry I don't even like my husband to see. Through tears, I explained we've done three more cycles and they all failed. As quickly as I could I tried to contain myself. I didn't want anyone else to see the mess that I was.

To top it all off, when we were getting ready to leave my H's uncle comes up to us and my MIL and asked, "Aren't they having a baby as well?" FML.

This day is when I realized how bad I am. How I walk through life like everything is okay when it's not. I never realized that all this time I've been lying to myself.

I'm ready for some good news in our life.

Thanks, Mom...

I'd like to send out a great big ole' thank you to my mother who has mentioned not once but TWICE this week that I should still take an HPT. So apparently over the past year since I told my Mom about us seeing our RE she has spread the word at her school. She told me on Tuesday that one lady said that she bleed like that, thought it was her period but really she was miscarrying a twin and carried the one baby to term. So her thought was maybe this is what was happening. (Sorry, Mom. Not going to happen. At 9dpIUI the embryo(s) didn't even have time to implant.)

Her second story came tonight. This story comes from a lady whom she works with who has twins from IVF with my RE. She said that her SIL was pregnant with triplets and had bleeding and lost one of the babies...okay, so you get where my mom was going with this.

So to make her happy...I came home from the mall tonight, took an HPT and stared at...

A TEST WITH ONE LINE. Sorry to disappoint, mother.

Here is hoping our luck is better with the lottery tickets we bought tonight.

Ironic

Do you remember the song Ironic by Alanis Morissette? Well, that is my life. Last week I had a ton of hope that things were turning around for us. Who would produce 17 + follicles and not get pregnant? Last week I had sore bb’s, tired all of the time and Thursday night I woke up at 2 AM extremely nauseous. Against my better judgment on Friday I ran to Wal-mart on my lunch break and grabbed a box of 3 tests so that I’d have enough to use within the next week. I got back and ran to the bathroom, opened the test up and went to use it when low and behold what did I notice?

Blood. FML.

How ironic is it that when I go to test that little witch showed her ugly face. I had to leave work. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t believe this is MY LIFE. This is what I am dealing with. Since my first beta experience on March 4th, 2009 my life has turned into nothing but bad news. In one years time I’ve produced 30 + follies and I have nothing to show for it but medical bills, a lot more pain and sadness, one less tube and empty arms.

I am dreading the call that I need to make today. The call to tell my RE’s office that I am not pregnant and that AF showed up way too early. The call I dread even more is the return call from my RE. The call where he will tell me that he is sorry. 10,000 apologies will not help me. It’s not his fault.

Right now we plan on taking a break. We’re not even sure how long as before we could even think of using our last IUI we have to save up money for our deductible that goes up next year. And honestly I’m not even sure the time and money we’d spend on another IUI cycle would be worth it. Deep in my heart I believe that IVF is our next path. And unless we sell my grandmother’s house we can throw that out of the window. I’ve also decided to stop taking metformin for the time being as it is the most expensive drug I take on a daily basis. My goal for myself is to try and enjoy Christmas and New Years and plan for a fantastic 2010!!

9dpIUI

And I'm bleeding. I really thought this was our time. FU 2009.