I know that it has been a while since I've posted. I couldn't bring myself to talk about our failed cycle. I wouldn't even talk to my own mother for the first couple of days. My worst fear came true and to this day I am still shocked that it didn't work. I originally had our WTF appointment scheduled for a few weeks after the failed cycle but I cancelled it. I just couldn't step foot in our RE's office and hear anything negative. My RE called me a couple of times to talk but it was hard to listen as I wanted to run far, far away from discussing the fact that we just threw $15,000 down the drain. His second phone call was to my DH and he wanted him to see the urologist again. That sent me into a tailspin of emotions. If we have 3 frozen why does he need to go see the urologist? I chose to completely ignore the fact that this phone call happened as it just doesn't make sense to me. It's not like it was another failed IUI and it "might" be that his issue is a bigger deal. With IVF as long as we had a couple of good sperm we were good to go...as we did.
Over the past few months I've had many sad days; but lately I've started to accept the path that we are on and am ready to move on. We've talked lately about doing the FET and how many we want to transfer. The day that Dr. S called to tell me the already known news, he mentioned transferring all 3 when we do an FET. I have many reservations about transferring 3. The 3 we have frozen is our last chance at having a biological child. We certainly won't have the money to do another IVF and our insurance won't cover it.
Since we've started talking seriously about doing this I've had a couple of dreams about positive pregnancy tests. They are scaring the heck out of me. One of them the test was so hot it burned me and then I wouldn't go to the doctor as I was afraid of bad news. When I woke up from this dream I had an anxiety attack. The same thing happened to me when we were in the waiting to start IVF stage. Except that panic attack was much different. It happened because I was afraid of a BFN.
I called Tuesday to setup our post-IVF meeting. We are scheduled for Tuesday, September 13. Positive thoughts that it will be a very productive meeting and that we can move forward knowing we are making the best decisions for us.
"Sometimes you gotta lose till you win..." Little Miss by Sugarland
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About Us
Our TTC Timeline
October 2007 - Stop taking BCP November 17, 2007 - Married! January 2008 - Start TTC March 2008 - Went to OB/GYN for cyst on my ovary and no AF, meds fixed issue for time being. October 2008 - Decided to call OBGYN about TTC they immediately referred me to an RE October 2008 - First appointment with RE October 2008 - Diagnosed with PCOS & Hyperthyroidism October 2008 - First SA for DH, 21 mil November 2008 - First appointment with Endocrinologist November & December 2008 – Many appointments for Thyroid, diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism and Graves disease, put on PTU December 2008 - Second SA for DH, numbers are half of first SA December 2008 - DH first appointment with Urologist January 2009 - DH has 3rd SA, blood work and ultrasound with Urologist, 21.5 mil and diagnosed with varicocele February 2009 – IUI # 1 with 50 mg Clomid, 1 mg Estrace and 1500 mg Metformin February 19, 2009 – IUI # 1 done! 5 follies, 3 or 4 mature February 25, 2009 – Progesterone level at 36! March 2009 – BFP and bleeding, low beta starting at 10 and didn’t continue to double with 3rd beta, diagnosed blighted ovum after several ultrasounds showed an empty sac April 2009 – D&C May 2009 - Progesterone to start cycle May 2009 - IUI # 2 with 100 mg Clomid and 1500 mg Metformin June 11, 2009 – IUI #2 done! 5 follies, 3 mature June 23, 2009 – BFP! Late June/July 2009 – Low betas starting at 9 that doubled for a couple of weeks then only raised slowly, bleeding at 6 weeks and continued for 15 days, diagnosed ectopic, D&C and laparoscopy to remove ectopic pregnancy and lost right tube. IVF now recommended for best chance. September 14, 2009 – AF Arrives, Start of IUI #3! 100 mg Clomid, 1 mg Estrace and 1500 mg Metformin September 22, 2009 – HSG, Left tube all clear! October 1, 2009 – IUI #3 done! October 14, 2009 – 13dpIUI and AF arrives, On to IUI # 4! Oh lucky number 4 please be the one!! 100 mg Clomid, 1 mg Estrace and 1500 mg Metformin October 28 & 29, 2009 - IUI #4 done! November 12, 2009 - AF arrives, on to IUI #5 with new protocol!! 100 iu's Follistim, 1500 mg Metformin and hCG trigger November 25/26, 2009 - B2B IUI done! 17+ follies December 4, 2009 - AF arrived early December 2009 - February 2011 - LONG break waiting for $$ to do IVF February 18, 2011 - IVF Consult April 2011 - IVF
Glossary of Crazy TTC Acronyms
BCP = Birth Control Pills Beta = Blood test for HcG (pregnancy hormone) BFN = Big Fat Negative (on HPT) BFP = Big Fat Positive (i.e. PREGNANT!) CBEFM = Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor CM = Cervical mucus DH = Dear Husband...or Damn Husband. ER = Egg Retrieval (part of IVF) ET = Embryo Transfer (last step of IVF) FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer Follies = Follicles or Eggs HPT = Home Pregnancy Test HSG = x-ray of Uterus and Fallopian tubes done by inserting dye through the cervix. IF = Infertility Injectibles = see "Stims" IUI = Intrauterine Insemination IVF = In Vitro Fertilization OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome OPK = Ovulation Predictor Kit PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome PIO = Progersterone in Oil POAS = Pee on a stick (i.e. taking a HPT) PTU = Thyroid medication RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist SA = Semen Analysis Stims = follicle stimulating drugs TTC = Trying to Conceive TTTC = Trouble Trying to Conceive
1 comments:
I am so sorry you are dealing with so much pain. I have been following your blog for some time and have been hoping for good news for you.
I was a patient of Dr. S's too and know FULL WELL the horrors of infertility. I knew EXACTLY what you meant by the WTF appointment. I had one of those too and boy did I let the questions rip. :-)
I have a blog that I started in 2007 when I started going there if it's of any help or comfort to you to know that someone else understands the thoughts and emotions associated with infertility.
www.bravechinadoll.com
Hugs to you. My heart goes out to you.
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