Family Christmas Party = Self Pity Party

Every December my husband's extended family has a christmas party that includes food and a gift swap game. Every year it is always held at his Aunt's house where they have built a barn that has a kitchen and a ton of southern antiques. Well, this is the first year that his cousin wasn't able to attend the gathering. She and her family moved to North Dakota last year and she was having surgery the day before. When it was time to eat his Aunt announced that his cousin wouldn't be there today but that she wanted to announce that she is going to be a grandmother for the third time again. Normally, I would be thrilled. On this day, I couldn't stop my emotions. I was overwhelmed and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I started crying right there. I thought about how it should of been us announcing our pregnancy. Luckily, I was able to pull it together quick enough that no one noticed.

Not long after, while everyone was in line getting food I was sitting with my MIL, SIL and neice. They started talking about the babies of the family aren't babies any more. My SIL said that we need more babies in the family. I knew exactly where this was heading. MY SIL then asked if we were still trying. Very quickly, I responded with I don't know and turned my head. I guess I was a dead give-away and she started apologizing profusely. This is when I really lost it. I couldn't stop myself. Here came the ugly cry. The cry I don't even like my husband to see. Through tears, I explained we've done three more cycles and they all failed. As quickly as I could I tried to contain myself. I didn't want anyone else to see the mess that I was.

To top it all off, when we were getting ready to leave my H's uncle comes up to us and my MIL and asked, "Aren't they having a baby as well?" FML.

This day is when I realized how bad I am. How I walk through life like everything is okay when it's not. I never realized that all this time I've been lying to myself.

I'm ready for some good news in our life.