Rolling

I’ve always been the kind of person who is happy go lucky. I’ve rolled with the punches even when I don’t like the punches. My boss made a comment while we were at lunch yesterday that emotionally I seem so strong and she can’t believe how well I’m taking this. Yes, on the outside I know I look strong but truly I’m not. When several of my work pants and jeans are so tight on me that not even a bella band is helping me; I am filled with anger because my body still thinks I’m pregnant. When every time I go to the bathroom I fight what I should be praying for. Should I pray for the miscarriage to finally start or do I want to hold out for hope that maybe the doctor was wrong? When I hear that my cousin’s wife is pregnant for the third time in four years and we all know that they cannot afford another child as she does not work and he has been working five different jobs to make sure they stay afloat – I have to fight myself for wondering why can’t this be me announcing I’m pregnant? When my step-sister-in-law pushes her three year old away and tells her to go away as she cannot eat with her in her lap – I wanted to tell her how selfish that was and that she hasn’t seen either of her girls all weekend and all her daughter wanted to do was sit in her lap and eat lunch with Mommy. But all I could do was pray to the lord that if he helps guide my husband and I to having a child I promise to never push my child away and I promise that every day of their life I will show them how loved and wanted they are. I’m rolling for the time being.

I want to take a moment to say how grateful I am for having an amazing boss. After working for my company for almost a year I am still a temporary employee. The economy has put a hold on being hired as a full-time employee. I decided in January to tell her about our struggles and explain why I’ll be taking time off for different appointments. She was extremely supportive and told me to take all the time I need. She has been really sweet and asking me how everything is going and actually listening to me. When I told her about the blighted ovum she asked follow up questions to try and understand what this means. She didn’t just say “oh, okay” and move along. She is truly interested in what is happening in our journey.

My husband called our RE this morning and spoke to him. I expressed to my husband that I’d like one more ultrasound before I schedule a d&c. I cannot stand the thought of having a d&c without an ultrasound first because what if something has happened in the past two weeks? What if by the grace of god our baby shows up and a miracle happens and the sac grew to the size it should be? I know the chances of this are 0 to none but I just have to know one more time. I go in on Monday for an ultrasound and then we’ll make a decision.