I’m feeling really beat up today. More emotionally than physically. I feel like my heart keeps getting punched. I returned to work on Wednesday. The night before this I couldn’t help but cry uncontrollably. I know that I have my fair share of reasons to cry right now but at that very moment I couldn’t pin point why I was crying. I had spent most of that day by myself. The first time since Friday I didn’t have any company. I spent most of the day on the couch, surfing the internet, watching television, taking naps and THINKING way too much. My dear sweet husband told me it was okay to cry and for me to talk to him. I just kept saying I don’t know why I am crying. I feel too much to know the exact reason. I came up with a few but I know it’s not all that I am feeling.
1. I realized that the next day I would return to work. I didn’t want to go back yet. If it weren’t for the damn economy I wouldn’t be stuck in a temporary position for 15 months with the same company. My boss tried really hard last fall to get me hired on but the company fought back and said no that they couldn’t put anyone else on payroll. So I get no paid time off. If I take off for a doctor’s appointment I usually work through lunch or come in early/stay late just so I can get paid. When I take off for vacation I work through lunches for months just so I don’t lose an entire week’s worth of pay. So if I had paid time off I would have been out all week trying to put myself back together.
2. And as tears rolled down my face I could barely get these words out of my mouth. I’m having a hard time understanding why our babies won’t stay around long enough for us to show them how much we truly love them. We have so much love to give and every chance that we get that opportunity is stolen from us. I don’t understand why they don’t want our love.
3. I also can’t get over the feeling that I’ve done something to deserve all of the hurt and pain that I feel. Is it my fault that I can’t make my husband a father and our parents grandparents?
At times I feel okay. That okay moment hit me yesterday when I made plans for us to go to our friends house for dinner on Saturday. This friend is due the first week of October with her first child. Right now I’m asking myself why did I do this? Although they are very supportive; am I ready to be around someone who is pregnant?
My DH has been taking and picking me up from work since I returned on Wednesday. On our way home on Wednesday we talked about IVF. We hoped that our insurance company would pay for IVF. Our thought was that if they would pay for it we wanted to try and cycle in November. We’ve already met our deductible for the year. So I decided that since today I was actually going to take a lunch break that I would call and see what they would say. Silly me for thinking that we had a chance. So I explained to the lady what happened last Friday and what my doctor recommended and I wanted to see what coverage we might have for IVF. The lady goes “Well, let me document your events from Friday. Okay, let me see. You have 6 IUI’s covered for a lifetime. So no, you don’t have coverage. Anything else I can do?” As tears filled my eyes and my lips began to quiver I quickly said no and hung up. I wanted to ask her more questions but I couldn’t. I realized that I felt personally attacked when she said no. It isn’t her fault and I know sometimes when things don’t go exactly how I hoped I tend to come off as batshit crazy. I don’t quite understand because when I had to call for coverage to see the RE and have IUI’s I had to call them and go through my history, answer a bunch of questions and then they decided to give me 6 IUI’s. They don’t do the same thing for IVF? They don’t take into consideration that IUI’s are only going to cause me more trouble? I just don’t understand insurance companies. I’ve decided to let my husband call and talk to them. He won’t get emotional and he won’t take it personally if they tell him no.
Here I am two hours after the call and I just can’t wrap my head around this. My insurance company would rather pay for the clomid, estrace, ovadril, IUI, tons of betas, ultrasounds, doctors appointments, D&C, laparoscopy, anesthesia, hospital stay, and pain medication again than even consider IVF? They would rather run the risk of me having another ectopic pregnancy? My chances of another ectopic with IUI have improved greatly. Asinine. I won’t put myself through this again if I can help it. So I’d like to give my insurance company a big ol’ FU!!
At this point my husband and I are nowhere near having enough money to pay OOP. It would take us forever to save us this kind of money. Our only hope now is that my mom is offering to pay. But the only way she can afford to help us is if my grandmother’s house sells. And at that point we’d only have one chance. I just don’t know.
I’m beginning to realize I’m not okay yet. And that just because for an hour I didn’t have the past few months events on my mind doesn’t mean I’ve 100% dealt with everything and moved on. I know it may be months before I don’t start crying out of nowhere. I know that I have to let my mind and my body heal over time.
On another note…I forgot the other day to express my thankfulness for such an amazing doctor that I have. If it weren’t for him most likely I would have been in a lot more danger. I am so thankful that he didn’t let my husband and family sit for three hours last Friday and not know a thing. He called my husband throughout surgery to tell him what he saw and what would happen. He realized I wasn’t the only one going through this. While I was writing this post my phone rang and it was my doctor. He wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing. He reminded me to take it easy. (He knows me too well as I’ve had a hard time depending on others and I like to be too independent.) He asked how I was doing emotional and usually I’d give my whole I’m doing fine, don’t worry about me response. But with this conversation I decided that I didn’t have to always be strong, I could let go of my pride for just a couple of minutes because if anyone understands what I am going through it would be him. He hasn’t spent 17 years dealing with IF for nothing. I told him that I’ve had my moments but I’m learning to deal with it all. He told me that it is normal and if I didn’t then he’d be worried that something was wrong with me.
I’ve thanked god every day since Friday for giving me a doctor as amazing as him. His care, his bedside manner, his knowledge and his ability to put a smile on my face even though he is giving me bad news is something out of this world. How did I get so lucky? If you’re reading my blog and you’re in need of an amazing Reproductive Endocrinologist please email me as you can’t get any better than Dr. S!! (It also doesn’t hurt that he is actually quite cute. Haha!)
I am thankful to be alive.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Recount of my ectopic experience
I’m not sure where to start as this was truly not suspected. We really thought I was miscarrying on my own and that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
On Thursday I was still bleeding and I decided to call my doctors office to update them and also get a refill on metformin. They scheduled me to come in for a beta, ultrasound and to meet with my doctor. I thought it would be an appointment where they would say they couldn’t see anything but a sac and that I’d either be told to wait it out or have a D&C next week.
I went into work before my appointment because I am bogged down with projects that I wanted to put in some time on. I left for my appointment and as the u/s tech started the ultrasound she said she would look first and then let us know what was going on. She started taking picture immediately. It felt like 10 minutes before she said anything. She showed me that my uterus was still empty. She said that most likely my doctor will want to come in and take a look himself. He came in started looking and said that my right ovary was a comma shape and he noticed something around my right ovary. I got dressed and we went to speak with the doctor.
He told us that he believes that it is one of two things that he saw on the u/s. Ectopic or a cyst on my ovary. At this point I still didn’t believe that it was ectopic because all I’ve ever heard was that I’d be in severe pain. I never experienced this. He then gave us three options…
1. A shot of methotrexate. It’s only about 80% effective. We’d never find out what actually happened. Could cause a lot of different side effects.
2. Wait it out. Not recommended at all by my doctor and most likely he wouldn’t have let me pick this.
3. Laparoscopy and a D&C. 99% effective. We’ll have an answer as to what happened with this pregnancy.
My DH and I really wanted some answers and we wanted this over with as soon as possible. I was on day 15 of bleeding and really wanted to move on to some normalcy for my life.
I had to quickly go to quest to have a few tests run to make sure I could have the surgery. I ran there and the lady freaked saying that those tests couldn’t be run stat. Telling her I had to have surgery that afternoon didn’t work so I broke out the tears and told her about the pregnancy. She quickly changed her tone and worked her magic that I knew she could do to have it do STAT.
I then had to run back to work send some reports to my boss and explain to her what was going on. I was out of work and on my way home within 20 minutes. I still wasn’t sure when, where or if I’d have surgery on Friday as I had to wait to hear from my doctors office. Once I get home they do call and I’m all set for 5:00 at a hospital over an hour away from my house in Atlanta. I had to leave pretty soon after the call because I need to be at the hospital two hours before surgery for pre-op. Since we were told that it would be an hour surgery and an hour recovery and then I could leave I only brought a change of pants so that I could wear something comfortable around the cuts.
We arrived at the hospital and of course parked what felt like an hour away from where we actually needed to be. Go me for finding out where admissions are at exactly. As we’re almost where we need to be we notice that it is raining cats and dogs outside. Glad that we were inside checked in, filled out all the paperwork that was needed and they took me back to get changed into my lovely dress for the next several hours. About 45 minutes before my surgery is to take place I’m all settled in and they are putting in my IV another nurse comes in and says that Dr. S just left his office. What?! During the day it would take 30 minutes from his office to this hospital. With traffic? probably 45 minutes. On a Friday afternoon? Most likely an hour. On a Friday afternoon while a down pour happens on the interstate? 2 hours and 30 minutes. I went into surgery 2 hours late. I had already been moved from one floor to another because I was the last one waiting to go into surgery. Once he arrived he went over the game plan and we expressed that if at all we really wanted to save my tube if it was ectopic. I kissed my husband and we were off. The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist saying take deep breaths and I was out.
I remember waking up in a daze. I could barely open my eyes. When I did open my eyes I could only see shadows. I remember hearing my doctor say something but I’m not sure what he said. At one point the nurse asked me my pain level. I remember when I was in pre-op they asked me on a level of 1 to 10 where should they medicate me and we decided on a 2. So I said a 3…I don’t think I was in so much pain as shock at feeling the cuts. She then told me she couldn’t medicate me and I was still too out of it to argue with her. I then remember someone saying that it was ectopic and that I lost my right tube. All I could do was cry. Crying while you’re some what comatose is hard. I then started saying “My Husband. Where is he?” The nurse also denied letting him in and I replied “Why?” I didn’t care if they had others in the room recovering. I then remember my doctor saying that I am doing good and I was going to stay over night and he would see me in the morning.
The next thing I knew they were wheeling me out of recovery and I saw my husband and family in the hall way. I reached out for my husband so he would know that it was me and he could follow us. The bed they had me on wouldn’t fit into the room so they had me scoot myself onto another bed. Once they moved me into the room my family was allowed in the first thing that I asked my husband and Mom is why did they have me say 2 for the pain and when I told the nurse 3 she denied me. My husband went into total protective mode and when my nurse came in to check my vitals immediately asked her. They actually had a good reason. Apparently I was still so out of it my oxygen level wasn’t high enough that I was still using the oxygen from the machine and they had to make sure that was stable before they were allowed to give me any pain medication. At this point I was able to see around the room. My DH said that he had pictures and would show me if I was interested. Uh, yeah. He showed me my ovary. And then the tube with the embryo in it. Holy Crap. It was HUGE. How could I not be in any pain? It is amazing.
I then fell asleep but I could still hear everything going on in the room. I could even hear myself snore? Great. My husband was right – I do snore!! It was the oddest thing. I was asleep but felt like I was awake. Once my family left I thought that my H and I were going to try and get some sleep. Which I did for about two hours until I heard the nurse and my H talking. He went to get more blankets and tell the nurse that my IV bag was empty. She then asked if I was in any pain and to be honest I didn’t feel a thing! I was so excited. She then said I’d need to use the restroom some time which I did. It wasn’t until they helped me out of bed that I really felt the cuts. I had to use the bathroom 5 times throughout the night. The urge seemed to come every hour on the hour.
My doctor came in around 10 AM the next morning and checked out everything. He said everything looked great and he was releasing me to go home. We then spoke briefly about what our next steps would be. He knows that we wanted to take a break before we’d even consider moving on to our next option. He strongly urges moving to IVF to bypass the possibility of another ectopic in the left tube. The chance will be 1% at this time.
I’m now at home and healing nicely. Emotionally I’m okay. This is the first day where I’ve spent most of it along and on the couch. It’s really given me time to put my emotions together and think. I’m returning to work tomorrow. It’s going to be hard getting adjusted because I still can’t sit up straight for a long period of time. I’m also not allowed to lift anything and I have to stay off my feet as much as possible.
I wanted to take a minute to say that my husband is incredible. He has never been the kind of guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve. When I checked my email for the first time on Sunday I noticed several emails from my H. Each email updated me on what was going on throughout my surgery and telling me how much he loves me. I didn’t realize this but the doctor and nurses would call my H from the OR and update him. I was so glad because it didn’t keep him waiting since I was originally supposed to be gone for 2 hours and I was gone for over 3. The last email was sent after my family left and I had fallen asleep. It was a pep talk – he told me that he didn’t see this as we will never have kids but that this is a test to see how badly we want kids. I balled as I read these emails and I am balling as I write this. He made me feel like he was right next to me during the entire surgery holding my hand. How did I get so lucky?
I know this post is long and it has taken me 3 days to write all of this. I still haven’t got out everything I want to say but I really want to put more thought into my next post. I really want to sort out my feelings. My feelings on everything that has happened, what is to come and IVF.
On Thursday I was still bleeding and I decided to call my doctors office to update them and also get a refill on metformin. They scheduled me to come in for a beta, ultrasound and to meet with my doctor. I thought it would be an appointment where they would say they couldn’t see anything but a sac and that I’d either be told to wait it out or have a D&C next week.
I went into work before my appointment because I am bogged down with projects that I wanted to put in some time on. I left for my appointment and as the u/s tech started the ultrasound she said she would look first and then let us know what was going on. She started taking picture immediately. It felt like 10 minutes before she said anything. She showed me that my uterus was still empty. She said that most likely my doctor will want to come in and take a look himself. He came in started looking and said that my right ovary was a comma shape and he noticed something around my right ovary. I got dressed and we went to speak with the doctor.
He told us that he believes that it is one of two things that he saw on the u/s. Ectopic or a cyst on my ovary. At this point I still didn’t believe that it was ectopic because all I’ve ever heard was that I’d be in severe pain. I never experienced this. He then gave us three options…
1. A shot of methotrexate. It’s only about 80% effective. We’d never find out what actually happened. Could cause a lot of different side effects.
2. Wait it out. Not recommended at all by my doctor and most likely he wouldn’t have let me pick this.
3. Laparoscopy and a D&C. 99% effective. We’ll have an answer as to what happened with this pregnancy.
My DH and I really wanted some answers and we wanted this over with as soon as possible. I was on day 15 of bleeding and really wanted to move on to some normalcy for my life.
I had to quickly go to quest to have a few tests run to make sure I could have the surgery. I ran there and the lady freaked saying that those tests couldn’t be run stat. Telling her I had to have surgery that afternoon didn’t work so I broke out the tears and told her about the pregnancy. She quickly changed her tone and worked her magic that I knew she could do to have it do STAT.
I then had to run back to work send some reports to my boss and explain to her what was going on. I was out of work and on my way home within 20 minutes. I still wasn’t sure when, where or if I’d have surgery on Friday as I had to wait to hear from my doctors office. Once I get home they do call and I’m all set for 5:00 at a hospital over an hour away from my house in Atlanta. I had to leave pretty soon after the call because I need to be at the hospital two hours before surgery for pre-op. Since we were told that it would be an hour surgery and an hour recovery and then I could leave I only brought a change of pants so that I could wear something comfortable around the cuts.
We arrived at the hospital and of course parked what felt like an hour away from where we actually needed to be. Go me for finding out where admissions are at exactly. As we’re almost where we need to be we notice that it is raining cats and dogs outside. Glad that we were inside checked in, filled out all the paperwork that was needed and they took me back to get changed into my lovely dress for the next several hours. About 45 minutes before my surgery is to take place I’m all settled in and they are putting in my IV another nurse comes in and says that Dr. S just left his office. What?! During the day it would take 30 minutes from his office to this hospital. With traffic? probably 45 minutes. On a Friday afternoon? Most likely an hour. On a Friday afternoon while a down pour happens on the interstate? 2 hours and 30 minutes. I went into surgery 2 hours late. I had already been moved from one floor to another because I was the last one waiting to go into surgery. Once he arrived he went over the game plan and we expressed that if at all we really wanted to save my tube if it was ectopic. I kissed my husband and we were off. The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist saying take deep breaths and I was out.
I remember waking up in a daze. I could barely open my eyes. When I did open my eyes I could only see shadows. I remember hearing my doctor say something but I’m not sure what he said. At one point the nurse asked me my pain level. I remember when I was in pre-op they asked me on a level of 1 to 10 where should they medicate me and we decided on a 2. So I said a 3…I don’t think I was in so much pain as shock at feeling the cuts. She then told me she couldn’t medicate me and I was still too out of it to argue with her. I then remember someone saying that it was ectopic and that I lost my right tube. All I could do was cry. Crying while you’re some what comatose is hard. I then started saying “My Husband. Where is he?” The nurse also denied letting him in and I replied “Why?” I didn’t care if they had others in the room recovering. I then remember my doctor saying that I am doing good and I was going to stay over night and he would see me in the morning.
The next thing I knew they were wheeling me out of recovery and I saw my husband and family in the hall way. I reached out for my husband so he would know that it was me and he could follow us. The bed they had me on wouldn’t fit into the room so they had me scoot myself onto another bed. Once they moved me into the room my family was allowed in the first thing that I asked my husband and Mom is why did they have me say 2 for the pain and when I told the nurse 3 she denied me. My husband went into total protective mode and when my nurse came in to check my vitals immediately asked her. They actually had a good reason. Apparently I was still so out of it my oxygen level wasn’t high enough that I was still using the oxygen from the machine and they had to make sure that was stable before they were allowed to give me any pain medication. At this point I was able to see around the room. My DH said that he had pictures and would show me if I was interested. Uh, yeah. He showed me my ovary. And then the tube with the embryo in it. Holy Crap. It was HUGE. How could I not be in any pain? It is amazing.
I then fell asleep but I could still hear everything going on in the room. I could even hear myself snore? Great. My husband was right – I do snore!! It was the oddest thing. I was asleep but felt like I was awake. Once my family left I thought that my H and I were going to try and get some sleep. Which I did for about two hours until I heard the nurse and my H talking. He went to get more blankets and tell the nurse that my IV bag was empty. She then asked if I was in any pain and to be honest I didn’t feel a thing! I was so excited. She then said I’d need to use the restroom some time which I did. It wasn’t until they helped me out of bed that I really felt the cuts. I had to use the bathroom 5 times throughout the night. The urge seemed to come every hour on the hour.
My doctor came in around 10 AM the next morning and checked out everything. He said everything looked great and he was releasing me to go home. We then spoke briefly about what our next steps would be. He knows that we wanted to take a break before we’d even consider moving on to our next option. He strongly urges moving to IVF to bypass the possibility of another ectopic in the left tube. The chance will be 1% at this time.
I’m now at home and healing nicely. Emotionally I’m okay. This is the first day where I’ve spent most of it along and on the couch. It’s really given me time to put my emotions together and think. I’m returning to work tomorrow. It’s going to be hard getting adjusted because I still can’t sit up straight for a long period of time. I’m also not allowed to lift anything and I have to stay off my feet as much as possible.
I wanted to take a minute to say that my husband is incredible. He has never been the kind of guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve. When I checked my email for the first time on Sunday I noticed several emails from my H. Each email updated me on what was going on throughout my surgery and telling me how much he loves me. I didn’t realize this but the doctor and nurses would call my H from the OR and update him. I was so glad because it didn’t keep him waiting since I was originally supposed to be gone for 2 hours and I was gone for over 3. The last email was sent after my family left and I had fallen asleep. It was a pep talk – he told me that he didn’t see this as we will never have kids but that this is a test to see how badly we want kids. I balled as I read these emails and I am balling as I write this. He made me feel like he was right next to me during the entire surgery holding my hand. How did I get so lucky?
I know this post is long and it has taken me 3 days to write all of this. I still haven’t got out everything I want to say but I really want to put more thought into my next post. I really want to sort out my feelings. My feelings on everything that has happened, what is to come and IVF.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Ectopic and emergency surgery
on Friday. I lost my right tube. I'm doing fine and at home healing now. I'll post more when I can.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
332
or 323 is yesterday's beta. I honestly can't remember because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I knew it wasn't good when it was almost 4:00 and my cell phone rang. When it's later in the day and they call on my cell phone I know that it is my doctor and he usually doesn't call with good news. He spent 10 minutes explaining things but honestly I don't remember much of what he said. His guess is I'll either miscarry on my own or need a D&C next week. I have a beta on Friday morning to see if my numbers are going up or down. After all of this he wants to do some testing to see if he can find a reason why I've had two early miscarriages.
I had to leave work early because I was so distraught. I feel so horrible for blaming my doctor for taking away my normalcy. It's no where near his fault. It is my body. I don't understand why it doesn't like pregnancy.
We plan on taking a break on the TTC front. We do want to get the testing done to see why this is happening although it may not bring any answers for us. We also plan on taking a vacation sometime soon to help clear our minds and relax.
Thank you all for your support and encouragement.
I had to leave work early because I was so distraught. I feel so horrible for blaming my doctor for taking away my normalcy. It's no where near his fault. It is my body. I don't understand why it doesn't like pregnancy.
We plan on taking a break on the TTC front. We do want to get the testing done to see why this is happening although it may not bring any answers for us. We also plan on taking a vacation sometime soon to help clear our minds and relax.
Thank you all for your support and encouragement.
Feeling robbed
I’m feeling very emotional today. I can’t get my doctors words out of my head. I know that my beta numbers are on the low scale but still well within the range that I could be okay. I understand that I could have the same problem again. I’ve already thought about this – many times. But I had decided when my beta doubled for a second time last Monday that I wasn’t going to worry myself. I was going to be happy knowing that two lines show up on tests. I wanted to feel normal. I just wanted to bask in knowing that I am pregnant. Infertility has already robbed me of happiness and normalcy but why did my doctor have to do the same thing? I now find myself searching google for any glimpse of hope.
On my lunch break I checked my facebook and noticed one of my friends who has a baby posted pictures of her trip to the beach. While looking through them you could see the happiness of not only the baby but how happy her and her husband were to have a child. You could see the bond they had with their child and I started crying. I want that bond for my husband and I so badly.
On my lunch break I checked my facebook and noticed one of my friends who has a baby posted pictures of her trip to the beach. While looking through them you could see the happiness of not only the baby but how happy her and her husband were to have a child. You could see the bond they had with their child and I started crying. I want that bond for my husband and I so badly.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Next time I'll think before calling my RE with a problem.
I hesitate posting this as it may sound as if I am ungrateful for my doctors office but after having the blighted ovum and then having to have a D&C in April my emotions are in high gear and I feel extremely overwhelmed.
I don’t ever want to feel like my well being is a bother to someone else. But I should have gone to the ER over the weekend. I would have received the same lack of compassion there as I did at my RE’s office. And I would expect that from an ER who doesn’t know me from ten buck two. I normally like my RE’s office. I haven’t had a problem with my doctor before. I’ve only had one problem and that wasn’t with my doctor or his staff. I called first thing this morning and told the receptionist that I’ve had on and off bright red bleeding all weekend and I was wondering if I need to come in and be seen. Her response was “How far along are you?” I am 5w3d. “Well, it may be too early.” I wanted to say “no kidding, Sherlock”, but I refrained. She got my number (Oh yes, they have to ask for my number each time I come in now because THEY HAVE LOST MY CHART ever since the whole debacle of not calling me about my first beta.) and said that she’d call back after talking to Dr. S. Well, she called back an hour later and said that Dr. S said if I felt like I need to get a scan to come on in and they would “work me in.” Gee, thanks.
My DH met me at the office and they were able to take us right back for an ultrasound. The tech sat for what felt like an hour just staring at the screen. Not taking pictures, nothing. She then said she didn’t see anything but it may just be too early. My husband saw something that looked round and he asked “Is that the sac” her response was “No. I don’t think so.” You don’t think so? You either know or don’t know. Pick one, please. She asked what my last beta number was and last Thursday it was 220. She of course then gave up because she realized my betas were too low to see anything right now. (Duh.)
I then waited to see my doctor who came in and said that even though it is early they still should have seen something small and that with all of my history that it looks like I may be going through the same thing again. He also can’t explain why I am bleeding. I really wanted to be a smartass at this point and ask him how he remembers my history since they have lost my chart. My heart sank at this point because I didn’t expect him to say this. Previously I praised him because his responses are usually filled with “I’m sorry” and “I really wanted this to work for ya’ll.” But I didn’t get this with this appointment. He wanted me to have another beta and progesterone drawn and also wants me to get my TSH levels checked because in his words it is important when you’re pregnant. Another smartass comment almost flew out of my mouth…what does it matter what my TSH level is – you already believe I won’t be pregnant for much longer. He mentioned doing an internal exam but since I wasn’t bleeding at the time then he didn’t think he would see anything. Okay, whatever. I honestly wish he had done the internal exam over the ultrasound. I knew when I called they wouldn’t see anything in an ultrasound. (TMI warning) *When I went to the restroom an hour after my appointment the ultrasound had worked up a lot of the dried brownish blood inside of me and it was on my panty liner, on the toilet paper and some had even dropped into the toilet.* He may have been able to see something. I asked him if it could be my cervix causing the bleeding issue since it was ripped during the D&C and was already short. His only response was no because I would have been bleeding long before now. I felt like he completely misunderstood my question and got a little defensive.
I realize I sound really bitter and spiteful but I came in for some type of answer to the bleeding and I got the complete opposite. This second cycle isn’t near as easy on me as the last. Maybe I’m a little too sensitive right now. Maybe over time what happened today will make more sense. But right now I feel hurt and upset. We’ve already decided that if this doesn’t work out the way we hope it does then this will be our last attempt for a while. I don’t like being worried, stressed, and emotional all while handing out a bunch of money for it all to go wrong and not get any answers as to why this happens.
Maybe I will have a different opinion on all of this in a couple of days but for now I’m praying that my little bean proves him wrong this time. That would be one sweet victory in my mind.
I don’t ever want to feel like my well being is a bother to someone else. But I should have gone to the ER over the weekend. I would have received the same lack of compassion there as I did at my RE’s office. And I would expect that from an ER who doesn’t know me from ten buck two. I normally like my RE’s office. I haven’t had a problem with my doctor before. I’ve only had one problem and that wasn’t with my doctor or his staff. I called first thing this morning and told the receptionist that I’ve had on and off bright red bleeding all weekend and I was wondering if I need to come in and be seen. Her response was “How far along are you?” I am 5w3d. “Well, it may be too early.” I wanted to say “no kidding, Sherlock”, but I refrained. She got my number (Oh yes, they have to ask for my number each time I come in now because THEY HAVE LOST MY CHART ever since the whole debacle of not calling me about my first beta.) and said that she’d call back after talking to Dr. S. Well, she called back an hour later and said that Dr. S said if I felt like I need to get a scan to come on in and they would “work me in.” Gee, thanks.
My DH met me at the office and they were able to take us right back for an ultrasound. The tech sat for what felt like an hour just staring at the screen. Not taking pictures, nothing. She then said she didn’t see anything but it may just be too early. My husband saw something that looked round and he asked “Is that the sac” her response was “No. I don’t think so.” You don’t think so? You either know or don’t know. Pick one, please. She asked what my last beta number was and last Thursday it was 220. She of course then gave up because she realized my betas were too low to see anything right now. (Duh.)
I then waited to see my doctor who came in and said that even though it is early they still should have seen something small and that with all of my history that it looks like I may be going through the same thing again. He also can’t explain why I am bleeding. I really wanted to be a smartass at this point and ask him how he remembers my history since they have lost my chart. My heart sank at this point because I didn’t expect him to say this. Previously I praised him because his responses are usually filled with “I’m sorry” and “I really wanted this to work for ya’ll.” But I didn’t get this with this appointment. He wanted me to have another beta and progesterone drawn and also wants me to get my TSH levels checked because in his words it is important when you’re pregnant. Another smartass comment almost flew out of my mouth…what does it matter what my TSH level is – you already believe I won’t be pregnant for much longer. He mentioned doing an internal exam but since I wasn’t bleeding at the time then he didn’t think he would see anything. Okay, whatever. I honestly wish he had done the internal exam over the ultrasound. I knew when I called they wouldn’t see anything in an ultrasound. (TMI warning) *When I went to the restroom an hour after my appointment the ultrasound had worked up a lot of the dried brownish blood inside of me and it was on my panty liner, on the toilet paper and some had even dropped into the toilet.* He may have been able to see something. I asked him if it could be my cervix causing the bleeding issue since it was ripped during the D&C and was already short. His only response was no because I would have been bleeding long before now. I felt like he completely misunderstood my question and got a little defensive.
I realize I sound really bitter and spiteful but I came in for some type of answer to the bleeding and I got the complete opposite. This second cycle isn’t near as easy on me as the last. Maybe I’m a little too sensitive right now. Maybe over time what happened today will make more sense. But right now I feel hurt and upset. We’ve already decided that if this doesn’t work out the way we hope it does then this will be our last attempt for a while. I don’t like being worried, stressed, and emotional all while handing out a bunch of money for it all to go wrong and not get any answers as to why this happens.
Maybe I will have a different opinion on all of this in a couple of days but for now I’m praying that my little bean proves him wrong this time. That would be one sweet victory in my mind.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I don't think we'll make it to Friday
On Friday afternoon I woke up from my nap and went to the bathroom (TMI warning) and when I wiped I had bright red blood on the tissue. After that it turned pink and then I didn't have anything else. I had a panty liner on and nothing was in it. I decided to wait and not call my doctors office because I felt fine and didn't have any cramps. I was also afraid they would send me to an ER and I know it's too early to see anything on an u/s. I woke up on Saturday morning and had another round of the bleeding. Just a wipe on the TP of red blood. After this episode I went the entire day without any sight on blood until we got home around 12 AM from our friends house. My panty liner was half filled with red blood and when I wiped I had another tp filled with blood.
I still haven't had any pain or cramps. I laid/sat on the couch basically all day on Friday trying to take it easy. Yesterday we spent the morning at home and went to my parents for lunch and then I laid in a float in the pool the rest of the afternoon. I did some standing up for a while at our friends house but nothing that should bring on more blood I would think. I'm scared but trying not to freak out. At this point I know they wouldn't be able to do anything for the bleeding - it's all in the hands of my uterus. I'm going to spend most of today taking it easy as well. I plan on calling my doctors office on Monday morning and see what they want me to do.
I still haven't had any pain or cramps. I laid/sat on the couch basically all day on Friday trying to take it easy. Yesterday we spent the morning at home and went to my parents for lunch and then I laid in a float in the pool the rest of the afternoon. I did some standing up for a while at our friends house but nothing that should bring on more blood I would think. I'm scared but trying not to freak out. At this point I know they wouldn't be able to do anything for the bleeding - it's all in the hands of my uterus. I'm going to spend most of today taking it easy as well. I plan on calling my doctors office on Monday morning and see what they want me to do.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Yesterday's beta was 220. They checked my progesterone as well because I've had a little bit of spotting the past few days. It was 20 and right where it should be. I admit the spotting scares me. I also had slight pain yesterday morning. It was mainly in my pelvic area and it wasn't sharp nor was it unbearable. Dr. Google said that it was probably my uterus stretching and to drink water. I drank a bottle and a half and felt much better.
I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Friday at 11:15. Keep me in your thoughts please!
I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Friday at 11:15. Keep me in your thoughts please!
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