Next time I'll think before calling my RE with a problem.

I hesitate posting this as it may sound as if I am ungrateful for my doctors office but after having the blighted ovum and then having to have a D&C in April my emotions are in high gear and I feel extremely overwhelmed.

I don’t ever want to feel like my well being is a bother to someone else. But I should have gone to the ER over the weekend. I would have received the same lack of compassion there as I did at my RE’s office. And I would expect that from an ER who doesn’t know me from ten buck two. I normally like my RE’s office. I haven’t had a problem with my doctor before. I’ve only had one problem and that wasn’t with my doctor or his staff. I called first thing this morning and told the receptionist that I’ve had on and off bright red bleeding all weekend and I was wondering if I need to come in and be seen. Her response was “How far along are you?” I am 5w3d. “Well, it may be too early.” I wanted to say “no kidding, Sherlock”, but I refrained. She got my number (Oh yes, they have to ask for my number each time I come in now because THEY HAVE LOST MY CHART ever since the whole debacle of not calling me about my first beta.) and said that she’d call back after talking to Dr. S. Well, she called back an hour later and said that Dr. S said if I felt like I need to get a scan to come on in and they would “work me in.” Gee, thanks.

My DH met me at the office and they were able to take us right back for an ultrasound. The tech sat for what felt like an hour just staring at the screen. Not taking pictures, nothing. She then said she didn’t see anything but it may just be too early. My husband saw something that looked round and he asked “Is that the sac” her response was “No. I don’t think so.” You don’t think so? You either know or don’t know. Pick one, please. She asked what my last beta number was and last Thursday it was 220. She of course then gave up because she realized my betas were too low to see anything right now. (Duh.)

I then waited to see my doctor who came in and said that even though it is early they still should have seen something small and that with all of my history that it looks like I may be going through the same thing again. He also can’t explain why I am bleeding. I really wanted to be a smartass at this point and ask him how he remembers my history since they have lost my chart. My heart sank at this point because I didn’t expect him to say this. Previously I praised him because his responses are usually filled with “I’m sorry” and “I really wanted this to work for ya’ll.” But I didn’t get this with this appointment. He wanted me to have another beta and progesterone drawn and also wants me to get my TSH levels checked because in his words it is important when you’re pregnant. Another smartass comment almost flew out of my mouth…what does it matter what my TSH level is – you already believe I won’t be pregnant for much longer. He mentioned doing an internal exam but since I wasn’t bleeding at the time then he didn’t think he would see anything. Okay, whatever. I honestly wish he had done the internal exam over the ultrasound. I knew when I called they wouldn’t see anything in an ultrasound. (TMI warning) *When I went to the restroom an hour after my appointment the ultrasound had worked up a lot of the dried brownish blood inside of me and it was on my panty liner, on the toilet paper and some had even dropped into the toilet.* He may have been able to see something. I asked him if it could be my cervix causing the bleeding issue since it was ripped during the D&C and was already short. His only response was no because I would have been bleeding long before now. I felt like he completely misunderstood my question and got a little defensive.

I realize I sound really bitter and spiteful but I came in for some type of answer to the bleeding and I got the complete opposite. This second cycle isn’t near as easy on me as the last. Maybe I’m a little too sensitive right now. Maybe over time what happened today will make more sense. But right now I feel hurt and upset. We’ve already decided that if this doesn’t work out the way we hope it does then this will be our last attempt for a while. I don’t like being worried, stressed, and emotional all while handing out a bunch of money for it all to go wrong and not get any answers as to why this happens.

Maybe I will have a different opinion on all of this in a couple of days but for now I’m praying that my little bean proves him wrong this time. That would be one sweet victory in my mind.