Stop punching my heart!!

I’m feeling really beat up today. More emotionally than physically. I feel like my heart keeps getting punched. I returned to work on Wednesday. The night before this I couldn’t help but cry uncontrollably. I know that I have my fair share of reasons to cry right now but at that very moment I couldn’t pin point why I was crying. I had spent most of that day by myself. The first time since Friday I didn’t have any company. I spent most of the day on the couch, surfing the internet, watching television, taking naps and THINKING way too much. My dear sweet husband told me it was okay to cry and for me to talk to him. I just kept saying I don’t know why I am crying. I feel too much to know the exact reason. I came up with a few but I know it’s not all that I am feeling.

1. I realized that the next day I would return to work. I didn’t want to go back yet. If it weren’t for the damn economy I wouldn’t be stuck in a temporary position for 15 months with the same company. My boss tried really hard last fall to get me hired on but the company fought back and said no that they couldn’t put anyone else on payroll. So I get no paid time off. If I take off for a doctor’s appointment I usually work through lunch or come in early/stay late just so I can get paid. When I take off for vacation I work through lunches for months just so I don’t lose an entire week’s worth of pay. So if I had paid time off I would have been out all week trying to put myself back together.

2. And as tears rolled down my face I could barely get these words out of my mouth. I’m having a hard time understanding why our babies won’t stay around long enough for us to show them how much we truly love them. We have so much love to give and every chance that we get that opportunity is stolen from us. I don’t understand why they don’t want our love.

3. I also can’t get over the feeling that I’ve done something to deserve all of the hurt and pain that I feel. Is it my fault that I can’t make my husband a father and our parents grandparents?

At times I feel okay. That okay moment hit me yesterday when I made plans for us to go to our friends house for dinner on Saturday. This friend is due the first week of October with her first child. Right now I’m asking myself why did I do this? Although they are very supportive; am I ready to be around someone who is pregnant?

My DH has been taking and picking me up from work since I returned on Wednesday. On our way home on Wednesday we talked about IVF. We hoped that our insurance company would pay for IVF. Our thought was that if they would pay for it we wanted to try and cycle in November. We’ve already met our deductible for the year. So I decided that since today I was actually going to take a lunch break that I would call and see what they would say. Silly me for thinking that we had a chance. So I explained to the lady what happened last Friday and what my doctor recommended and I wanted to see what coverage we might have for IVF. The lady goes “Well, let me document your events from Friday. Okay, let me see. You have 6 IUI’s covered for a lifetime. So no, you don’t have coverage. Anything else I can do?” As tears filled my eyes and my lips began to quiver I quickly said no and hung up. I wanted to ask her more questions but I couldn’t. I realized that I felt personally attacked when she said no. It isn’t her fault and I know sometimes when things don’t go exactly how I hoped I tend to come off as batshit crazy. I don’t quite understand because when I had to call for coverage to see the RE and have IUI’s I had to call them and go through my history, answer a bunch of questions and then they decided to give me 6 IUI’s. They don’t do the same thing for IVF? They don’t take into consideration that IUI’s are only going to cause me more trouble? I just don’t understand insurance companies. I’ve decided to let my husband call and talk to them. He won’t get emotional and he won’t take it personally if they tell him no.

Here I am two hours after the call and I just can’t wrap my head around this. My insurance company would rather pay for the clomid, estrace, ovadril, IUI, tons of betas, ultrasounds, doctors appointments, D&C, laparoscopy, anesthesia, hospital stay, and pain medication again than even consider IVF? They would rather run the risk of me having another ectopic pregnancy? My chances of another ectopic with IUI have improved greatly. Asinine. I won’t put myself through this again if I can help it. So I’d like to give my insurance company a big ol’ FU!!

At this point my husband and I are nowhere near having enough money to pay OOP. It would take us forever to save us this kind of money. Our only hope now is that my mom is offering to pay. But the only way she can afford to help us is if my grandmother’s house sells. And at that point we’d only have one chance. I just don’t know.

I’m beginning to realize I’m not okay yet. And that just because for an hour I didn’t have the past few months events on my mind doesn’t mean I’ve 100% dealt with everything and moved on. I know it may be months before I don’t start crying out of nowhere. I know that I have to let my mind and my body heal over time.




On another note…I forgot the other day to express my thankfulness for such an amazing doctor that I have. If it weren’t for him most likely I would have been in a lot more danger. I am so thankful that he didn’t let my husband and family sit for three hours last Friday and not know a thing. He called my husband throughout surgery to tell him what he saw and what would happen. He realized I wasn’t the only one going through this. While I was writing this post my phone rang and it was my doctor. He wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing. He reminded me to take it easy. (He knows me too well as I’ve had a hard time depending on others and I like to be too independent.) He asked how I was doing emotional and usually I’d give my whole I’m doing fine, don’t worry about me response. But with this conversation I decided that I didn’t have to always be strong, I could let go of my pride for just a couple of minutes because if anyone understands what I am going through it would be him. He hasn’t spent 17 years dealing with IF for nothing. I told him that I’ve had my moments but I’m learning to deal with it all. He told me that it is normal and if I didn’t then he’d be worried that something was wrong with me.

I’ve thanked god every day since Friday for giving me a doctor as amazing as him. His care, his bedside manner, his knowledge and his ability to put a smile on my face even though he is giving me bad news is something out of this world. How did I get so lucky? If you’re reading my blog and you’re in need of an amazing Reproductive Endocrinologist please email me as you can’t get any better than Dr. S!! (It also doesn’t hurt that he is actually quite cute. Haha!)

I am thankful to be alive.