Desire

I can’t seem to cool down this burning desire. This desire that I want a child for us so badly. This desire that tends to creep into my life every second of every day.

This desire knocked me across the head on Saturday at my friends baby shower. I had several moments where I felt tears well up in my eyes. Not only was my friend pregnant but another one of her guests was as well. To top it all off myself and my friends younger sister were the only ones who hasn’t been pregnant or had a child. I realize that I was at a baby shower – I realize that children were going to be the topic of discussion – but I guess I thought they would play games, eat, open presents and be done with it. I didn’t realize that the shower would be so small that it would break into everyone else’s pregnancy/labor stories. I sat quietly. I felt like any advice or input I had didn’t count. My experiences all belonged in the categories of Infertility, IUIs, Blighted Ovum, D&C’s, Ectopic Pregnancy and Laparoscopic surgery – nothing that would keep the shower in an upbeat spirit. And any input I would have was only second hand – and who really wants second hand advice?

As my husband and I were driving to dinner on Saturday we were discussing my friend and how miserable she feels and that I’ve heard that is common in the third trimester. I told him that I’m tired of hearing and reading about pregnancy and having a child – I just want to experience it firsthand.

We’ve decided we’re ready to move along with our journey. We’ve decided we want to try another IUI. I understand the risks and am willing to deal with that if by some chance we get to that point. I’ve asked my DH to call our doctor this week and see if he will okay performing another IUI in the near future. With my H working from home and his work truck it is much easier for him to have this sort of conversation than me sitting in my cube. I do realize my doctor may have an issue as he didn’t get to see my left tube. I also will probably have a larger chance of the cycle being cancelled as I tend to create a lot of mature follicles. I just hope if we get to it I don’t temporarily crazy during this 2ww as well and spend $40+ in HPTs.

IF Sadness

I’ve been a bad blogger and I realize I am way overdue for a real blog post. My life has been very boring. I’ve had trouble coming up with something to blog about. Honestly though, I’ve tried to stay away from reading blogs and message boards. I feel like they fuel the baby wanting fire. But the past couple of days I have been lurking a little bit more. Only because I’ve asked my husband to call our RE next week and speak to him about his thoughts on another IUI instead of IVF for now. But that is a totally different post for another day and time.

Before I did both IUI’s I was never sad about the position we were in. I didn’t cry. I took everything in stride. I used to read posts about being upset about other BFP announcements and think to myself “I’ll never be that kind of girl.” I never truly felt the sadness that IF brings. This year that has brought me pain and heartaches. I find myself jealous of the couples who can afford IVF. I completely understand what a terrible thought that is – but I can’t seem to shake it. I opened a Halloween costume magazine last night and the first page were babies in costumes. I closed the magazine immediately. The other night at dinner I saw a girl I went to high school with and couldn’t help but notice how visibly pregnant she is. My husband didn’t understand why this affected me. But it did. My co-workers 19 year old daughter brought her 4 month old baby into the office the other day. I couldn’t even look and aww at the beautiful baby boy.

On Saturday we decided to do a date night and go to a movie and then dinner – exactly what we did on our first date. I realized while getting dressed that this last loss combined with the fact that we may never be able to do what our doctor recommends has completely taken a toll on my self esteem and I didn’t even realize it until right then. I hated the way a brand new shirt looked on me. I realized that I had put on a few pounds since the ectopic and it’s really affecting the way that I Iook at myself in the mirror. So this put a tail spin on my mood that eventually put my husband in a foul mood.

I don’t know how to move past these feelings…but I’ve got to do it.

On another note…My best friend’s baby shower is this weekend and I wouldn’t miss it for the world but I’m so afraid of being asked these two questions while I am there… “Do you have any children?” and “When are you going to have children?”

What do you do when you get these questions? I’m finding myself getting these questions more and more.

Normal?

My body has never understood what that word means. But it seems as if it's giving me somewhat of a break today. Today is day 30 since my D&C and laparoscopy. Today is also Day 1 of my first cycle post ectopic pregnancy. That is correct folks my body understood that I should be starting my period around this time. I had to take progesterone after my first D&C for AF to finally arrive.

Thank you AF for a bit of normalcy in a life of craziness.

I need your help/advice!

I posted this on the TTTC board that I visit...mostly lurk...and honestly I didn't get many responses. I thought I would post on here to get your thoughts as I'm at a loss on what direction I should pull for.

I need some help. My H and I are faced with a dilemma and I need some input to help us make a decision.

I had my first IUI in February. I had a BFP but it turned out that I had a blighted ovum and had a D&C in April. We did our second IUI in June which also turned into a BFP. Two and a half weeks ago I had emergency laparoscopic surgery and a D&C to remove an ectopic pregnancy. My RE had to remove my right tube.

After surgery he has said to us three times that I can remember that he would recommend us moving onto IVF. His reasons were 1. He couldn’t see my left tube so he doesn’t know how healthy it is and 2. Now that I’ve had one ectopic my chances of having another ectopic with IUI is now at 20% while doing IVF my chance would go down to 1%.

We’re considering going against my doctors recommendation and doing another IUI instead of IVF right now. Here are my reasons:

1. My H and I have done some research and found many success stories of pregnancies with only one tube and did not need IVF.
2. Our insurance does not cover IVF.
3. Our deposit to our RE would be $10,250 and that does not guarantee it would cover everything and we’d also be OOP for meds.
5. We’re nowhere near having that amount of money. We’d have to save for years.
4. Our insurance will cover 4 more IUIs and the medicines that go along with it.
5. With either option I still have the chance of an ectopic pregnancy. One is just a little higher than the other.
6. If I were to lose the second tube during IUI (hopefully not!) then I could still move on to IVF. (From what I have read and I intend to check with my RE)

After much thinking, crying and talking I really need to consider the 80% chance that it won’t happen again. We plan on setting up a meeting with our RE in the next month or so to talk about what direction we want to head. I just want to go into this meeting with the knowledge I need to convince him that we’re okay with the 20% chance.

So if you have any advice, opinions or just comments in general I would appreciate it. My head and heart are scattered with feelings, emotions and thoughts and it is hard to tell what I should listen to and what I shouldn’t.

I'm so bummed.

Last week was a pretty decent week. I worked all week long and didn’t cry near as much as the previous week. But something happened over the weekend. Someone flipped the switch and I felt like a totally different person.

We went to our friend’s 2 year olds birthday party on Saturday and you should have seen the excitement on her face as each gift was opened. She would start doing this little dance and not know what gift to go to she was so excited. I felt tears fill my eyes. I realized we may never experience our own child having this much excitement. Afterwards I just asked my husband to take me home. I took a four hour nap.

I didn’t do a thing on Sunday except cook dinner. I spent all day on the couch watching the television. It took a lot of convincing to get myself up and start dinner yesterday. I cooked one of our favorites but it didn’t turn out right and it bummed me out even more.

This may be the end of the road for us concerning TTC. Maybe not forever but I do believe for a very long time. I heard from RBA’s business office today and after speaking with my insurance company they will not pay for IVF. Just our deposit alone to the RE would be $10,250. This does not include any medications I would have to take.

I feel like my thoughts and my emotions are getting out of hand. I feel as if they aren’t valid and that I need to move on and face the facts. It’s just hard facing the reality that children may not be part of god’s plan for us. I just wonder when I'll be able to go a day, week or month without letting this affect who I am.

I realize this post is scattered but if you’re looking into my life right now that is exactly what it is…scattered.