I’ve been a bad blogger and I realize I am way overdue for a real blog post. My life has been very boring. I’ve had trouble coming up with something to blog about. Honestly though, I’ve tried to stay away from reading blogs and message boards. I feel like they fuel the baby wanting fire. But the past couple of days I have been lurking a little bit more. Only because I’ve asked my husband to call our RE next week and speak to him about his thoughts on another IUI instead of IVF for now. But that is a totally different post for another day and time.
Before I did both IUI’s I was never sad about the position we were in. I didn’t cry. I took everything in stride. I used to read posts about being upset about other BFP announcements and think to myself “I’ll never be that kind of girl.” I never truly felt the sadness that IF brings. This year that has brought me pain and heartaches. I find myself jealous of the couples who can afford IVF. I completely understand what a terrible thought that is – but I can’t seem to shake it. I opened a Halloween costume magazine last night and the first page were babies in costumes. I closed the magazine immediately. The other night at dinner I saw a girl I went to high school with and couldn’t help but notice how visibly pregnant she is. My husband didn’t understand why this affected me. But it did. My co-workers 19 year old daughter brought her 4 month old baby into the office the other day. I couldn’t even look and aww at the beautiful baby boy.
On Saturday we decided to do a date night and go to a movie and then dinner – exactly what we did on our first date. I realized while getting dressed that this last loss combined with the fact that we may never be able to do what our doctor recommends has completely taken a toll on my self esteem and I didn’t even realize it until right then. I hated the way a brand new shirt looked on me. I realized that I had put on a few pounds since the ectopic and it’s really affecting the way that I Iook at myself in the mirror. So this put a tail spin on my mood that eventually put my husband in a foul mood.
I don’t know how to move past these feelings…but I’ve got to do it.
On another note…My best friend’s baby shower is this weekend and I wouldn’t miss it for the world but I’m so afraid of being asked these two questions while I am there… “Do you have any children?” and “When are you going to have children?”
What do you do when you get these questions? I’m finding myself getting these questions more and more.
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About Us
Our TTC Timeline
October 2007 - Stop taking BCP November 17, 2007 - Married! January 2008 - Start TTC March 2008 - Went to OB/GYN for cyst on my ovary and no AF, meds fixed issue for time being. October 2008 - Decided to call OBGYN about TTC they immediately referred me to an RE October 2008 - First appointment with RE October 2008 - Diagnosed with PCOS & Hyperthyroidism October 2008 - First SA for DH, 21 mil November 2008 - First appointment with Endocrinologist November & December 2008 – Many appointments for Thyroid, diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism and Graves disease, put on PTU December 2008 - Second SA for DH, numbers are half of first SA December 2008 - DH first appointment with Urologist January 2009 - DH has 3rd SA, blood work and ultrasound with Urologist, 21.5 mil and diagnosed with varicocele February 2009 – IUI # 1 with 50 mg Clomid, 1 mg Estrace and 1500 mg Metformin February 19, 2009 – IUI # 1 done! 5 follies, 3 or 4 mature February 25, 2009 – Progesterone level at 36! March 2009 – BFP and bleeding, low beta starting at 10 and didn’t continue to double with 3rd beta, diagnosed blighted ovum after several ultrasounds showed an empty sac April 2009 – D&C May 2009 - Progesterone to start cycle May 2009 - IUI # 2 with 100 mg Clomid and 1500 mg Metformin June 11, 2009 – IUI #2 done! 5 follies, 3 mature June 23, 2009 – BFP! Late June/July 2009 – Low betas starting at 9 that doubled for a couple of weeks then only raised slowly, bleeding at 6 weeks and continued for 15 days, diagnosed ectopic, D&C and laparoscopy to remove ectopic pregnancy and lost right tube. IVF now recommended for best chance. September 14, 2009 – AF Arrives, Start of IUI #3! 100 mg Clomid, 1 mg Estrace and 1500 mg Metformin September 22, 2009 – HSG, Left tube all clear! October 1, 2009 – IUI #3 done! October 14, 2009 – 13dpIUI and AF arrives, On to IUI # 4! Oh lucky number 4 please be the one!! 100 mg Clomid, 1 mg Estrace and 1500 mg Metformin October 28 & 29, 2009 - IUI #4 done! November 12, 2009 - AF arrives, on to IUI #5 with new protocol!! 100 iu's Follistim, 1500 mg Metformin and hCG trigger November 25/26, 2009 - B2B IUI done! 17+ follies December 4, 2009 - AF arrived early December 2009 - February 2011 - LONG break waiting for $$ to do IVF February 18, 2011 - IVF Consult April 2011 - IVF
Glossary of Crazy TTC Acronyms
BCP = Birth Control Pills Beta = Blood test for HcG (pregnancy hormone) BFN = Big Fat Negative (on HPT) BFP = Big Fat Positive (i.e. PREGNANT!) CBEFM = Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor CM = Cervical mucus DH = Dear Husband...or Damn Husband. ER = Egg Retrieval (part of IVF) ET = Embryo Transfer (last step of IVF) FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer Follies = Follicles or Eggs HPT = Home Pregnancy Test HSG = x-ray of Uterus and Fallopian tubes done by inserting dye through the cervix. IF = Infertility Injectibles = see "Stims" IUI = Intrauterine Insemination IVF = In Vitro Fertilization OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome OPK = Ovulation Predictor Kit PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome PIO = Progersterone in Oil POAS = Pee on a stick (i.e. taking a HPT) PTU = Thyroid medication RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist SA = Semen Analysis Stims = follicle stimulating drugs TTC = Trying to Conceive TTTC = Trouble Trying to Conceive
2 comments:
(((hugs))) Believe me...I know how hard it is. The questions are hard. Depends on the person and my mood. Sometimes I would say we're working on it. Sometimes I would say we're infertile to shut them up. But then at times neither of them work and people wnat to offer their dumb advice and say oh stop trying so hard or it will happen and I let lose on them and say, well actually we've been trying for 5.5 years and have had 2 miscarriages and so many surgeries so it doens't happen as easily for us as it does anyone else and that normally helps to shut them up.
(((hugs)))
Isn't it crazy how the IF sadness can overcome you in an instant? I have been in a bit of a funk myself. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time lately :(
As to the "when are you going to have kids?" question, it depends on the person and situation. If it was a random person at a shower, I would just be really vague and say, "we're trying o figure that out." I hope the shower isn't too painful!
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