Unbelievable.

Unbelievable is the only word to describe this week. Late Sunday night I had to take my DH to the ER because the two blood clots that are in his right leg got worse and from his knee down all the way through this toes were swollen so bad you couldn’t tell her had an ankle. He was also in excruciating pain. We were in the ER from 11 PM to 4 AM. They gave him a shot of Lovenox and lortab and sent us on our way. After only a few hours sleep we had to get up and get ready for my ultrasound appointment. The ultrasound tech that the sac was larger but not by much and she still didn’t see anything inside. At this point I just sit and stare at the ceiling not knowing what to think. My doctor comes in to talk to us and tells us he is very sorry and really had a lot of hope after seeing a sac last week and that my beta had doubled but that he is diagnosing me with a Blighted Ovum. My body thinks that I am pregnant but in all reality I’m not. My embryo never made it. So my two options are to wait it out and let nature takes its course or I can do a D&C.

At this time we’ve decided to wait. After my husband’s two trips to the ER, several appointments for him, medicine for him, all of my appointments and medicine we are running low on funds so at this time I prefer not to spend the extra money to kill my pregnant/not really pregnant state. I don’t have a ton of words for what is happening. Maybe because it hasn’t truly happened yet? When will my body realize there isn’t a baby?? Why does my body fail me over and over again? Did I do something wrong? I guess what I have right now is questions. I’ve only truly cried once and that was Monday night trying to sleep. I feel like a failure.

To top it all off yesterday when I went to leave for work I realized my car is DEAD. Great.

830

That is yesterday's beta number. Nothing but smiles happening over here. :)

Grow little one!!

I went in to visit my doctor today to talk about everything. Little did I know that I'd be getting a visit from the dildo camera. I'm glad they did though because I was going to request an ultrasound be done this week anyway. It didn't take the ultrasound tech long to find a sac in my uterus. I haven't seen anything more beautiful in my life. She said it was small so she couldn't see if anything was in the sac or not.

We got to sit down with my doctor (And let me say once again that I love my doctor and would have given anything if I saw him last week and not the one we did...) and he said the sac was measuring at four and a half weeks. If you go by my last period I should be 6w1d or going by when I had my hCG shot 5 and a half weeks. He said at this point he isn’t truly sure when I ovulated. It could be later than they originally suspected. So for now I am pregnant. I’ll have another ultrasound next Monday as they will be able to see things a lot more clearly.

So for now I’m just praying Baby D will just grow!!! Grow little one, grow!!!

It doubled!

My beta doubled from what it was on Tuesday. It was a 93 and now it is at 202.

I say we have a little one just like it's daddy...a PITA and it also likes to mosey. I've always teased my DH that he likes to mosey and doesn't truly understand the meaning of hurry.

My nurse is supposed to call me tomorrow and let me know what she wants me to do.

No doom and glum in this phone call!

Nervous...

I don't know why but I am nervous about receiving today's beta number. If everything is okay I should hear from them any time now. If not, it won't be until later today.

All of this is starting to become too much. My DH and I feel like we both need a vacation from all of this "doom and glum" they put us under. I just want us to be happy and excited. Not scared and dread what the next day might bring.

5w3d

I want to start this post off by saying I love my doctor and his entire staff. I appreciate all of the monitoring to make sure this is a healthy pregnancy.

But the more and more I think about what this other doctor said the more I get pissed off. I had an ultrasound done, which the tech was fantastic. She explained everything and let me know what everything was. She didn't see a sac, which I knew they wouldn't be able to since I am so early on. She else did not see an ecoptic, which made me happy to hear. Nothing bad was seen on the ultrasound. Afterwards, we went to talk to the doctor and get the results from my beta they drew this morning. My beta went up to 93. Up 21 from yesterday. He flat out told me that he hopes my levels go up and then steadily go back down to 0. He did not want this to form into pregnancy, at all. He wants me to repeat my beta on either Thursday or Friday. He also said if my levels do not go down then they will dicuss terminating the pregnancy.

Excuse me? My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. I don't know if this guy doesn't have a personality or what but flat out telling us you don't want this pregnancy to work without the least bit of compassion breaks my heart. Someone needs to teach this dude compassion. I almost took the heel of my shoe to his nuts. I totally and completely understand that they only want the best and look out for the patient but this doctor works with infertiles for a living - you'd think he would understand the emotional effects this has on a couple.

For now, my husband and I have decided to keep doing the betas and when they want to do an u/s we'll do it. But until they see something absolutely wrong with the ultrasound we're not terminating this pregnancy. We've put too much heart, time, hope, love and money into this for them to give up so easily.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm in 100 different directions on this but I'm still fired up. I'm also sick with a nasty cold and I'm very nauseated this evening.

News isn't good.

My beta went to 72. It didn't double. I had another blood draw this morning and this afternoon I have to drive to Atlanta to see another doctor and have an ultrasound.

I guess it is bad when your doctor calls you at 6 o'clock at night, huh? Although, he called my office line last night so I wasn't able to speak with him.

You know what makes this all better? I am sick. I'm talking fever, body aches, cough and congestion. How wonderful.

I'll try and post tonight with what they say but I may not have time. Today is my mother's birthday and we're going to Stoney River for dinner. All I want is rolls and mashed potatoes! They are soo good!

My level went up.

To 42. It more than doubled. I'm not sure what to think. The bleeding only lasted 48 hours total. When the nurse drew the blood on Friday I asked her what happens if my levels were to go up. She said it could be a tubal pregnancy. I then told her about how the bleeding was only 48 hours and that I randomly threw up the other morning. She looked a little worried but did randomly mention that some pregnancies end up in a real pregnancy when they shouldn't. That is the only hope she would give me.

The other nurse called me in the afternoon and told me my level. She verified that I was on prenatal vitamins. I set up a time for another beta on Monday. She then explained if the doctor wanted me to do anything else she'd call me later in the day and let me know. I never heard from them yesterday.

I took a digital this morning. My levels are finally high enough for it to say "pregnant" unlike Tuesday morning.

I'm praying for the best but will not be shocked at the worst.

My beta is 10. Huh?

My beta on 12dpiui is 10. Excuse me? With all of this bleeding it's 10? It means a positive but I just don't see it this way. We are not able to move onto IUI #2 until our next cycle because of this level. The chances of my level doubling when I go in on Friday are highly unlikely. My nurse said we'll continue testing until my level is 0.

I swear...something else could happen this week and it wouldn't surprise me!

Snow in the state of Georgia
2 positive tests
2 negative tests
Bleeding
Random throwing up
Negative urine test at RE office
Beta of 10

What more can this week bring??

Freaking out because that is what I do best.

Let's start out with Sunday... On Sunday I started spotting. I freaked and thought it was over. It stopped. I decided on Monday to buy a test. I got back from the store and had some spotting. I had it in my mind then that the IUI didn’t work. I tested. After a few minutes I didn’t see a thing so I went and watched TV and took our dog to the vet. Came home, used the restroom and noticed the test had a second line. I freaked out because that is what I do best. DH said “Oh yeah, I saw that line earlier too.” I again freaked out because that is what I do best. He couldn’t remember how long after I took the test he saw that but knew it wasn’t too long after I took it. About two hours later I took another test. It was positive. I freaked out because that is what I do best. Later that night we ran to Wal-mart and bought an Equate brand and then a CBE digital. Right before bed I took the Equate and also noticed the bleeding was heavier. It was a negative. I was angry that the other two tests lied to me. The next morning I woke up and took the digital. It popped up with “Not Pregnant.” Again, I was angry that the other two tests lied to me.

Let’s go back to between taking the first test and then noticing it had a line hours later. In this time I called my RE office to start our 2nd IUI. I made an appointment for Tuesday at 11. I told them about the tests and the bleeding. Which by the way the bleeding was full force at this point. They did an ultrasound, urine test and took my blood to check my Beta. My nurse said the urine test was negative. She gave me my instructions for this cycle and told me she would call me today only if my Beta came back positive and off I went.

Let’s fast forward to 4:30 AM this morning…I wake up… my body says “GET YOUR ASS TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO THROW UP”… my stomach felt uneasy after this for a while but then nothing else.

Let’s fast forward to right now…So here I am…it’s Wednesday…I just get back from lunch…my office phone has a voicemail… it’s my nurse... she says to call her… I call, get the office voicemail…I leave a message…I’m still waiting on a phone call… and freaking out because that is what I do best.

Either she has forgotten she wouldn’t call me with Negative results or it came back positive. So I am freaking out because that is what I do best.

EDIT: Also, I have to use the restroom so bad but I don't want to leave my desk in fear I'll miss her call again.

It's over.

IUI #1 was a bust. AF arrived this morning. I don't have any other words.