Go rest high

Go Rest High on That Mountain
Vince Gill

I know your life

On earth was troubled

And only you could know the pain

You weren't afraid to face the devil

You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain

Son, your work on earth is done

Go to heaven a shoutin'

Love for the Father and the Son

Oh, how we cried the day you left us

We gathered round your grave to grieve

I wish I could see the angels faces

When they hear your sweet voice sing

Go rest high on that mountain

Son, your work on earth is done

Go to heaven a shoutin'

Love for the Father and the Son

April 10th, 2009

Our Angel Baby

May you rest in peace.

I'm sorry

I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while. I have a good reason for not posting. I promised myself that 2010 would be a better year than 2009 and that I would do everything possible to ensure that I enjoyed myself this year. And posting on my blog brings emotions to me that I can’t even explain. So I stepped away for a while…But some things you just can’t run away from…

I’ve passed a few “anniversaries” within the last two months. The first being it’s been once year since we had our first IUI; the second being it’s been one year since our first ever BFP; the third being the heartbreak we were feeling this time last year when we realized I had a blighted ovum; and the fourth anniversary I would say is the worst of them all is my second EDD - 3/12/2010.

I’ve tried to keep my mind far away from these dates. But I don’t think I would consider myself “normal” if I didn’t admit to myself that these dates do bother me. And they especially bother me when I hear a co-worker is leaving because her daughter is in labor and she is a week over-due. I remember in August hearing her announce to people that she was going to be a grandmother again and I remember hearing the due date was so close to mine and I just sat in my cube and cried. Like I am now. I would give anything if that were my mother’s voice I heard with excitement that I was in labor.

We are not actively TTC and we aren’t sure we will ever have the chance to TTC with fertility medicines and procedures as it is so expensive and heartrenching. I can’t see putting down $10,000 (which we don’t have – and maybe this is why I feel this way) to not have a successful pregnancy. I just can’t put myself through it anymore.

So for now we have a week-long vacation planned in May with several other couples. We are headed to the Redneck Riviera ya’ll – Panama City Beach, FL!! Oh yes!! Although, it won’t be as beautiful as our cruise to the Caribbean last year, I am excited as we are going with some really good friends. This is our first ever trip with other couples – usually we go along as we really enjoy our alone time. :)

To any of the blogs that I follow: I hope everyone else is doing well. I’m sorry that I have not commented on your blogs in a while but as I explained about signing onto my blog just doesn’t help bring peace to my life.

"Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines." ~Robert Schuller

Those Damn Hormones

They get me every time!

Yesterday I found myself extremely emotional. I had random moments of tears and cries and then I went to the bathroom. The witch had arrived! Thank you Lord!! For 5 months now I haven't had to take progesterone once for AF to arrive...I think that is pretty awesome considering I am PCOS and before we started with my RE I was having 60+ day cycles and wouldn’t start a new one without the help of progesterone.

I never did hear from my RE yesterday. I'm okay with that considering we can't move to IVF any time soon. For now we will try on our own and hope for the best.

On Thursday evening I have a baby shower to go to. I’m so excited to go to this baby shower as this shower is being thrown for a fellow IF’er who tried for almost four years to get pregnant. For religious reasons she and her H decided not to pursue fertility treatment and decided to adopt. On a wonderful October day while still working on their home study they received a call from a family member about a young woman who was thinking of putting her unborn baby girl up for adoption. They were encouraged to send their profile to the young lady. The young lady sat down with all of the profiles to review and her very first one happened to be L and her H’s. She wouldn’t look at another one, she found the adoptive parents in them. Little Allie was born on Friday, January 12th. I cannot wait to celebrate with L and little Allie on Thursday. It is truly a blessing.

I’m going to give you the short version of the past week as I really could go on a rant…

My RE and I spoke last Monday and he wants us to move onto IVF for several reasons. He understands we don’t have IVF insurance and just don’t have the money to afford IVF. He said he would contact his business office to see what they could do about discounting an IVF cycle for us and to call back on Friday to go over the details and to get a prescription for progesterone if AF had not shown up by Friday.

So, I wait all week…I pray and I hope they are able to reduce the cost to something reasonable. My H is getting the largest bonus possible at the end of this month for his December sales and combined with our tax return I hope we are close to the cost and we would then figure out how to get the rest of the money.

I called on Friday. He wasn't in the office due to the weather. (Okay, so I live in Georgia, we hardly have snow but Thursday night we got maybe quarter of an inch combined with ice.) So I have to wait until Monday to speak with my RE.

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon…My H and I have a date night planned of dinner and shopping at the mall to use a couple of gift cards. We stop on our way out and pick up the mail. I open an envelope from my RE’s business office. And I see that it is forms for IVF along with a schedule of fees. I cried. It wasn’t at all what I had in mind. What they consider a discount is a slap in the face.

I was angry. Angry that my doctor allowed them to send out this paperwork and not even speak to me first. Angry that I wasn’t forewarned. Angry that I let me hopes get so high. Angry that even though my RE couldn't come into the office due to the weather that he then didn't know how to pick up the phone. Angry that this is where we are at.

And I am still angry. Angry, sad, mad that IF has taken my happy life and turned it upside down. I hate you IF!

We may be at the end of our TTC road and I honestly don't know what to think.

Hello? AF?

Today is Cycle Day 30. And no signs whatsoever. My previous 5 cycles were all 28 days or less. So where are you? I'm not sure if I mentioned before but on CD 2 I stopped taking Metformin as I wanted a break and it really is expensive. Could it be that the Metformin was actually working and I didn't even know it?

My RE called me on the 23rd but I didn't know the number so I didn't answer. He asked for me to call after the holidays so that we could go over our next plan. At the time I wasn't ready to hear what he said. I wanted to get through the holidays and not think about what went so wrong in 2009.

I'm now ready to hear what he has to say. I'm ready for AF to come. As soon as she does I will start taking the Metformin again. I will call my RE's office on Monday to speak with him. I also plan on calling the business office on Monday to find out if we overstim again how much is the cost to convert to IVF. I'm interested to hear if the cost is lower.

On Friday, my H and I went to Target and we wound up looking at the Christmas clearance decorations (of course :) While I was looking I found one of the stockings that matched the new ones I bought for Christmas...I couldn't help but buy it as I have this feeling we will need that extra stocking next year. :)

I'm ready for an awesome 2010!!

Hasta 2009!

Good riddance 2009! You made this the toughest year of my life and fankly you suck.

Dear 2010,

Can you be nicer to me this year? I sure would appreciate it!

Thanks,
Leigh Ann

Hope everyone has a great new year!!! We're headed out in a few for dinner, drinks and then headed to some bars in Athens - it has been a while and it is SOO NEEDED!!!

Family Christmas Party = Self Pity Party

Every December my husband's extended family has a christmas party that includes food and a gift swap game. Every year it is always held at his Aunt's house where they have built a barn that has a kitchen and a ton of southern antiques. Well, this is the first year that his cousin wasn't able to attend the gathering. She and her family moved to North Dakota last year and she was having surgery the day before. When it was time to eat his Aunt announced that his cousin wouldn't be there today but that she wanted to announce that she is going to be a grandmother for the third time again. Normally, I would be thrilled. On this day, I couldn't stop my emotions. I was overwhelmed and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I started crying right there. I thought about how it should of been us announcing our pregnancy. Luckily, I was able to pull it together quick enough that no one noticed.

Not long after, while everyone was in line getting food I was sitting with my MIL, SIL and neice. They started talking about the babies of the family aren't babies any more. My SIL said that we need more babies in the family. I knew exactly where this was heading. MY SIL then asked if we were still trying. Very quickly, I responded with I don't know and turned my head. I guess I was a dead give-away and she started apologizing profusely. This is when I really lost it. I couldn't stop myself. Here came the ugly cry. The cry I don't even like my husband to see. Through tears, I explained we've done three more cycles and they all failed. As quickly as I could I tried to contain myself. I didn't want anyone else to see the mess that I was.

To top it all off, when we were getting ready to leave my H's uncle comes up to us and my MIL and asked, "Aren't they having a baby as well?" FML.

This day is when I realized how bad I am. How I walk through life like everything is okay when it's not. I never realized that all this time I've been lying to myself.

I'm ready for some good news in our life.

Thanks, Mom...

I'd like to send out a great big ole' thank you to my mother who has mentioned not once but TWICE this week that I should still take an HPT. So apparently over the past year since I told my Mom about us seeing our RE she has spread the word at her school. She told me on Tuesday that one lady said that she bleed like that, thought it was her period but really she was miscarrying a twin and carried the one baby to term. So her thought was maybe this is what was happening. (Sorry, Mom. Not going to happen. At 9dpIUI the embryo(s) didn't even have time to implant.)

Her second story came tonight. This story comes from a lady whom she works with who has twins from IVF with my RE. She said that her SIL was pregnant with triplets and had bleeding and lost one of the babies...okay, so you get where my mom was going with this.

So to make her happy...I came home from the mall tonight, took an HPT and stared at...

A TEST WITH ONE LINE. Sorry to disappoint, mother.

Here is hoping our luck is better with the lottery tickets we bought tonight.

Ironic

Do you remember the song Ironic by Alanis Morissette? Well, that is my life. Last week I had a ton of hope that things were turning around for us. Who would produce 17 + follicles and not get pregnant? Last week I had sore bb’s, tired all of the time and Thursday night I woke up at 2 AM extremely nauseous. Against my better judgment on Friday I ran to Wal-mart on my lunch break and grabbed a box of 3 tests so that I’d have enough to use within the next week. I got back and ran to the bathroom, opened the test up and went to use it when low and behold what did I notice?

Blood. FML.

How ironic is it that when I go to test that little witch showed her ugly face. I had to leave work. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t believe this is MY LIFE. This is what I am dealing with. Since my first beta experience on March 4th, 2009 my life has turned into nothing but bad news. In one years time I’ve produced 30 + follies and I have nothing to show for it but medical bills, a lot more pain and sadness, one less tube and empty arms.

I am dreading the call that I need to make today. The call to tell my RE’s office that I am not pregnant and that AF showed up way too early. The call I dread even more is the return call from my RE. The call where he will tell me that he is sorry. 10,000 apologies will not help me. It’s not his fault.

Right now we plan on taking a break. We’re not even sure how long as before we could even think of using our last IUI we have to save up money for our deductible that goes up next year. And honestly I’m not even sure the time and money we’d spend on another IUI cycle would be worth it. Deep in my heart I believe that IVF is our next path. And unless we sell my grandmother’s house we can throw that out of the window. I’ve also decided to stop taking metformin for the time being as it is the most expensive drug I take on a daily basis. My goal for myself is to try and enjoy Christmas and New Years and plan for a fantastic 2010!!

9dpIUI

And I'm bleeding. I really thought this was our time. FU 2009.