Last week was a pretty decent week. I worked all week long and didn’t cry near as much as the previous week. But something happened over the weekend. Someone flipped the switch and I felt like a totally different person.
We went to our friend’s 2 year olds birthday party on Saturday and you should have seen the excitement on her face as each gift was opened. She would start doing this little dance and not know what gift to go to she was so excited. I felt tears fill my eyes. I realized we may never experience our own child having this much excitement. Afterwards I just asked my husband to take me home. I took a four hour nap.
I didn’t do a thing on Sunday except cook dinner. I spent all day on the couch watching the television. It took a lot of convincing to get myself up and start dinner yesterday. I cooked one of our favorites but it didn’t turn out right and it bummed me out even more.
This may be the end of the road for us concerning TTC. Maybe not forever but I do believe for a very long time. I heard from RBA’s business office today and after speaking with my insurance company they will not pay for IVF. Just our deposit alone to the RE would be $10,250. This does not include any medications I would have to take.
I feel like my thoughts and my emotions are getting out of hand. I feel as if they aren’t valid and that I need to move on and face the facts. It’s just hard facing the reality that children may not be part of god’s plan for us. I just wonder when I'll be able to go a day, week or month without letting this affect who I am.
I realize this post is scattered but if you’re looking into my life right now that is exactly what it is…scattered.
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About Us
Our TTC Timeline
October 2007 - Stop taking BCP November 17, 2007 - Married! January 2008 - Start TTC March 2008 - Went to OB/GYN for cyst on my ovary and no AF, meds fixed issue for time being. October 2008 - Decided to call OBGYN about TTC they immediately referred me to an RE October 2008 - First appointment with RE October 2008 - Diagnosed with PCOS & Hyperthyroidism October 2008 - First SA for DH, 21 mil November 2008 - First appointment with Endocrinologist November & December 2008 – Many appointments for Thyroid, diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism and Graves disease, put on PTU December 2008 - Second SA for DH, numbers are half of first SA December 2008 - DH first appointment with Urologist January 2009 - DH has 3rd SA, blood work and ultrasound with Urologist, 21.5 mil and diagnosed with varicocele February 2009 – IUI # 1 with 50 mg Clomid, 1 mg Estrace and 1500 mg Metformin February 19, 2009 – IUI # 1 done! 5 follies, 3 or 4 mature February 25, 2009 – Progesterone level at 36! March 2009 – BFP and bleeding, low beta starting at 10 and didn’t continue to double with 3rd beta, diagnosed blighted ovum after several ultrasounds showed an empty sac April 2009 – D&C May 2009 - Progesterone to start cycle May 2009 - IUI # 2 with 100 mg Clomid and 1500 mg Metformin June 11, 2009 – IUI #2 done! 5 follies, 3 mature June 23, 2009 – BFP! Late June/July 2009 – Low betas starting at 9 that doubled for a couple of weeks then only raised slowly, bleeding at 6 weeks and continued for 15 days, diagnosed ectopic, D&C and laparoscopy to remove ectopic pregnancy and lost right tube. IVF now recommended for best chance. September 14, 2009 – AF Arrives, Start of IUI #3! 100 mg Clomid, 1 mg Estrace and 1500 mg Metformin September 22, 2009 – HSG, Left tube all clear! October 1, 2009 – IUI #3 done! October 14, 2009 – 13dpIUI and AF arrives, On to IUI # 4! Oh lucky number 4 please be the one!! 100 mg Clomid, 1 mg Estrace and 1500 mg Metformin October 28 & 29, 2009 - IUI #4 done! November 12, 2009 - AF arrives, on to IUI #5 with new protocol!! 100 iu's Follistim, 1500 mg Metformin and hCG trigger November 25/26, 2009 - B2B IUI done! 17+ follies December 4, 2009 - AF arrived early December 2009 - February 2011 - LONG break waiting for $$ to do IVF February 18, 2011 - IVF Consult April 2011 - IVF
Glossary of Crazy TTC Acronyms
BCP = Birth Control Pills Beta = Blood test for HcG (pregnancy hormone) BFN = Big Fat Negative (on HPT) BFP = Big Fat Positive (i.e. PREGNANT!) CBEFM = Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor CM = Cervical mucus DH = Dear Husband...or Damn Husband. ER = Egg Retrieval (part of IVF) ET = Embryo Transfer (last step of IVF) FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer Follies = Follicles or Eggs HPT = Home Pregnancy Test HSG = x-ray of Uterus and Fallopian tubes done by inserting dye through the cervix. IF = Infertility Injectibles = see "Stims" IUI = Intrauterine Insemination IVF = In Vitro Fertilization OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome OPK = Ovulation Predictor Kit PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome PIO = Progersterone in Oil POAS = Pee on a stick (i.e. taking a HPT) PTU = Thyroid medication RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist SA = Semen Analysis Stims = follicle stimulating drugs TTC = Trying to Conceive TTTC = Trouble Trying to Conceive
1 comments:
Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry you have to go through all this! I could really feel the pain and fear behind this post. I hope you get some direction about your next steps (if any).
I'm sure you've already thought about this, but is there any family member you could borrow money from to do IVF? Or do a less-expensive, mini-ivf/ micro-ivf? I have seen people on the nest posting about promo prices that many RE's are giving in this economy -- maybe you can look around your area and see if there's anything like that?
I wish this were all easier for you. :( (((hugs)))
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