Moving on

I know that it has been a while since I've posted. I couldn't bring myself to talk about our failed cycle. I wouldn't even talk to my own mother for the first couple of days. My worst fear came true and to this day I am still shocked that it didn't work. I originally had our WTF appointment scheduled for a few weeks after the failed cycle but I cancelled it. I just couldn't step foot in our RE's office and hear anything negative. My RE called me a couple of times to talk but it was hard to listen as I wanted to run far, far away from discussing the fact that we just threw $15,000 down the drain. His second phone call was to my DH and he wanted him to see the urologist again. That sent me into a tailspin of emotions. If we have 3 frozen why does he need to go see the urologist? I chose to completely ignore the fact that this phone call happened as it just doesn't make sense to me. It's not like it was another failed IUI and it "might" be that his issue is a bigger deal. With IVF as long as we had a couple of good sperm we were good to go...as we did.

Over the past few months I've had many sad days; but lately I've started to accept the path that we are on and am ready to move on. We've talked lately about doing the FET and how many we want to transfer. The day that Dr. S called to tell me the already known news, he mentioned transferring all 3 when we do an FET. I have many reservations about transferring 3. The 3 we have frozen is our last chance at having a biological child. We certainly won't have the money to do another IVF and our insurance won't cover it.

Since we've started talking seriously about doing this I've had a couple of dreams about positive pregnancy tests. They are scaring the heck out of me. One of them the test was so hot it burned me and then I wouldn't go to the doctor as I was afraid of bad news. When I woke up from this dream I had an anxiety attack. The same thing happened to me when we were in the waiting to start IVF stage. Except that panic attack was much different. It happened because I was afraid of a BFN.

I called Tuesday to setup our post-IVF meeting. We are scheduled for Tuesday, September 13. Positive thoughts that it will be a very productive meeting and that we can move forward knowing we are making the best decisions for us.


"Sometimes you gotta lose till you win..." Little Miss by Sugarland

Beta is Negative.

Nothing more I can say really. $15,000 down the drain. Excuse me while I throw up.

Lots to catch up on

Sorry I haven't updated lately. (although I don't think anyone is actually reading my blog)

We got the call last Tuesday that we had 23 eggs retrieved, 20 mature and that 9 fertilized. My doctor said they would keep an eye on the rest to see if they would fertilize as well. Well, jump to Wednesday we were sitting around waiting on the phone call if we were supposed to head for a 3dt or not. Finally got the call that things looked good and we were to hold off for a 5dt on Saturday.

On Saturday H and I went to Panera on our way to the ET. I was a freaking ball of nerves! So when we arrive we spoke with the embryologist and he showed us 2 beautiful blasts and advised we should transfer two. He told us the embryos could be shown in a text book! Well, back to my last post about how many we want to transfer. H and I had a long talk and felt although Dr. S recommends only transferring 1, we really felt like we wanted to transfer two as this will be our only shot at IVF. So when the doctor arrived, not my doctor, we informed her of our wishes and she had no problem with transferring two. So on 4/30/11 we transferred two awesome looking embryos!

They were able to freeze two embryos on day 5 and one embryo on day 6. So we have a total of 3 frozen.

So here I am 6dp5dt and it's my third day of testing and still a BFN. Yesterday was an extremely hard and emotional day for me. I cried about 50% of the day. All excitement I had on the day of ER has been lost. I can't seem to find it anywhere. I am SO SCARED! Actually, I am crying as I write this post. I am so afraid that I am letting so many people down. Most importantly, my husband. I fully realize I am not out of the race but with two perfect embryos I fully had my heart set on twins and just knew I'd have a positive by now. As Mother's Day approaches I keep thinking about this day and wonder how I am going to wake up that morning with the possibility of knowing I will never be a mother. I will never get to share this day with children of my own. I am 27 years old and the final decision for us to have children is staring me in the face.

I am so sorry to turn this post into something very negative but it helps to write this out. I share my feelings with DH and tell him that being home alone during the day makes me feel very alone. But I know he doesn't understand. Hell, I don't even understand why I am having these feelings right now. I just pray that god will watch over us and help us heal no matter what the final outcome is.

5DT on Saturday!!

My doctor called me Tuesday morning and told me I had 23 retrieved, 20 mature and 9 fertilized. He told me it wasn't quite the percentage he likes for fertilization but they will continue to watch the others to make sure they don't turn into fertilized embryos as well.

I have to say that he kind of had a debby downer attitude on the phone. He questioned if we should even transfer anything this week. Possibly doing an FET. I made it clear I was feeling great and planned on keeping off my feet for the rest of the week to ensure I would be ready for the transfer. We've already waited so long I do not want to wait any further.

Tuesday was also my first night of PIO. Let me tell you to completely read all of the instructions. My husband almost shot me up with the 18 gage needle that draws the PIO. I was already laying on the bed freaking out with tears and acting like a baby!! (I laugh at it all now!!) So he decided to call the IVF nurses line and speak to someone. Thank goodness he did because the nurse's exact words were "NO! Don't inject her with that needle. You will leave a hole in her!!" So lesson learned...PIO comes with two needles :)

So I got the call on day 3 that everything looks good so we were headed for a 5DT. Very excited about this call but I wish I could get a little more information about our little growing babes. I love my doctor and his office but I have a few moments here and there where I feel like a number. I hate it. And it could totally be my hormones but I haven't heard from my doctor since Tuesday and I wish he would have called to go over how they look, what exactly is going on and just to reassure us this will work. The last two times we spoke he was a debbie downer.

So my transfer is tomorrow at 10:30 AM. We are about 90% sure (or I am, H I believe is 100% sure) we will transfer only 1. But I have until the morning to make my final decision. Please keep us in your thoughts!!

ER was yesterday!

It's been a couple of days since I posted but we've been busy the past few days and I just didn't have the time to update.

But by the time we decided to trigger on Saturday night I had 41 follies; yes, you read that right! My e2 was around 3400. My doctor decided that I need to take a lupron trigger instead of HCG as he is really afraid of OHSS. My doctor also had me start Cabergoline the day of my trigger to help ward off OHSS. I've been trying to keep up my protein drinks, high protein foods and lot of sport drinks. So far I've felt good and have not had any issues. Another point I've tried to do the past week is to stay off my feet as much as I could.

My ER was yesterday at 9:00 AM. It went very well. When I got to the surgical center yesterday I felt very full - my ovaries and eggs were ready to roll! They were able to get 23 eggs! I was so excited by that number. As soon as they allowed my husband to come in all I could say was "23!" He got a kick out of that. As well, my husband said I was very talkative while we waited on the nurse to come back in. I kept telling him that it all feels real now. And that I am very excited. I also kept telling him I thought he would be an amazing father. He also said I shared a lot with the nurses. I guess the anesthesia really had my emotional.

I spent most of yesterday after ER in the bed sleeping or watching television. Currently I am feeling good and I hope that it stays this way. I should hear from my clinic before 1:00 today with a fertilization report. Keep your fingers crossed!!!

And we're slowing down...

Yesterday's e2 level was 1582 so I was reduced to 200iu's last night. Todays e2? 3082 - wowzers! As of this morning I have 32 follies all ranging from 1.1 - 1.6. So I am lowering my dose tonight to 75iu's.

I'm drinking my sports and protein drinks the best that I can. I am also trying to eat as much protein as I can. So hopefully these will help!

Tomorrow I have another monitoring appointment as well as my physical.

Woah, slow down little eggs!

I apologize if my blog entries are boring but right now other than the appointments my life is boring. So far no drama regarding this cycle - and I am not complaining about that!

My e2 level yesterday was 1334 so I continued another night of follistim at 225iu's.

I had another monitoring appointment this morning and things are still progressing well, maybe too well! As of this morning, I had 18 on the left ovary and 13 on the right ovary - 31 follies in total. All are ranging between 1.3 and 1.4, a couple are 1.2. So I'm now supposed to start protein drinks as well as drink a couple sports drinks a day.

Just waiting on my e2 level and what I need to do tonight regarding my follistim.

First Monitoring Appointment - Check!

I had m first e2 check yesterday and it was 787. So I started my ganirelix a day early but I was to stay at 225 iu. But ouch does the needle for the ganirelix hurt.

This morning turned out to be a very good appointment. I have 17 follies in total. 15 at 1.0 and 2 at 1.1. So the nurse and ultrasound tech were very excited about the quantity and that they were all together in size. However, she said they don't want me to produce any further follicles as I am running the risk of OHSS. She said that soon they will want me to take protein shakes. Have any of you found protein shakes you like? I find them disgusting but hope to find something I can stand to drink.

I'm still waiting on the call on what dose I should take tonight and if I need to go to the office tomorrow for another round of blood work and ultrasound.

Over the past few days I've had issues with wanting to eat. I just haven't been hungry. So much I believe it is causing issues with the pills I have to take. Last night I woke up and got sick. So I hope my appetite comes back soon!

$200

This evening, while my husband injected my first shot of Follistim, he proclaimed "I just shot $200 worth of medicine into your belly!" Wow, we are finally here. I can't believe it.

I had my suppression check yesterday and it showed I have 20 follicles on the right (of course I do, it's always the ovary that causes me pain!) and 14 on the left. Woah momma. I'm not sure what my E2 and progesterone but my nurse said I passed so that is what matters to me.

Next appointment is on Monday but that is to check my E2.

IVF Update

Extremely sorry for the lack of posts but after our last meeting our path to IVF included just more waiting. Waiting wasn't on my radar at the time and it just put me into a funk. Our meeting with the doctor included him wanting us to wait some more time, have a few tests done, start metformin again and lose weight. (ugh!!) When you aren't working waiting a couple months seems like an entire year!!

So here is a timeline of the events that have happened during the last couple of months:
2/22 - Found new OBGYN (LOVE him, more on that later), completed papsmear and talked him into sending me for all of my labs since we are now completely OOP due to a job change
2/24 - SHG performed - ALL clear!
2/26 - Sign up for Weight Watchers
3/28 - AF Shows, start BCP
3/29 - 2 hour glucose (all clear!) and complete labs
4/10 - Took last BCP
4/11 - Meeting with Dr. S and Nurse Consult
4/11 - DH SA

I had a horrible night sleep Sunday night. I woke up about every hour and then woke up at 7 AM a complete ball of nerves. I had to wake my husband up so I could just talk to him about anything but our meetings. I had so many fears he would want us to wait more.

But our meeting yesterday was exactly what I needed. We received the okay to move on and received our IVF Calendar! Right now my protocol is fairly simple as I am on the Antagonist Protocol. I will start with 225 iu. of Follisitim and Ganirelix. Dr. S hopes for a 5 day retrieval and after looking at what I've done in the past recommends transferring only 1 egg.

So my tentative IVF Calendar is as follows:
4/13 - Supression check
4/14 - 4/18 - Start Follistim
4/19 - First bloodwork and ultrasound appointment, continue Follistim
4/20 - 4/23 - Begin Ganirelix, continue monitoring appointments
4/25 - Tentative ER date
4/30 - Tentative ET date
5/5 - Beta draw

And so folks, there you have it! We are so very excited to begin this part of our life.

We are just ready to bring home OUR child.

February 18th, 2011

IVF Consult is scheduled. 10 days and counting and the day just can't come soon enough! But I would be lying if I said I'm not scared. I can't help but lay in bed at night and worry. Our best chance is this and we have one shot.

Please lord be with us.

Scared

I'm supposed to call my doctor today. To set everything up. But I am scared. What if it doesn't work? What if our one last chance doesn't turn out as we hope?

Excited but scared.