We did IUI 1 of 2 for this cycle today. It started off with our nurse telling us that our post-wash was only 2.8 million. Which she followed up with, “It’s low but it’s still enough to get you pregnant.” My response was less than enthusiastic. While we waited on the doctor my H and I discussed how this cycle could be any more of an abomination. And when our doctor came in it just went even further downhill. He sat down and went over each of our sperm counts for all of our IUI’s. We’ve gone from 16 to 11 to 7.5 and now 2.5. Our pre-wash numbers were in the 7-8 million range. He explained that the amount this time was 1.3 and last time it was 2.8 so that has something to do with the low counts. This next part I’m not too familiar with but what we do have to work with they were at a stage 4 and that is really good as they didn’t die. He also explained a lot more about our sper.m counts but I was so thrown back that we were having to have this talk that it took everything in me not to cry…so listening wasn’t my top priority at the moment. He then moved on to my thin lining. He said if this cycle doesn’t work he wants us to either A) Take a break or B) Change medications. He is afraid that clomid is thinning out my lining. And he doesn’t want me on it for another cycle since I was just on it for the two previous. He then ended this lovely conversation by saying, “So this is going to work, right?” It took everything in me not to laugh. I just shrugged my shoulders. I couldn’t say yes when I’ve already got my mind set on this cycle failing.
After the procedure he discussed us having our 2nd IUI tomorrow. He mentioned that if we wanted we could always BD and not come in but if we wanted to come in tomorrow and do the IUI he’d like us to but they are unsure of what our counts will be. (FYI we have decided to do our 2nd IUI tomorrow.)
As soon at the doctor left the room I told H that him going over everything beforehand really made me stressed out and upset. Both of us are just shocked that after everything we have been through this year that another punch in the face was thrown at us today. I just can’t believe this is our life.
After we had lunch together I just sat in my car and cried. I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. I don’t understand what I’ve done. How could life be this unfair? When will our prayers be answered? I can’t wait to be a mom…so lord, if you’re reading this…please guide us through this. Our hearts are aching.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Done.
This is just becoming so taxing that I can’t even remember to take all of the pills I’m supposed to take. I missed my last dose of Clomid. I ended up taking it the next morning when I remembered. And then last night, even though I knew it was important to take the estrace as we needed my lining to thicken up, I forgot it as well. So I took it this morning.
I feel like I am sabotaging this cycle and I don’t even know why. After this cycle if it doesn’t work we’re going to take some time off. We’ll wait until after the new year, possibly into spring before we start another cycle. I’m tired of doctor’s appointments and I’m most tired of taking medications.
If we ever had the chance to do IVF I’m not sure how I would handle it.
I feel like I am sabotaging this cycle and I don’t even know why. After this cycle if it doesn’t work we’re going to take some time off. We’ll wait until after the new year, possibly into spring before we start another cycle. I’m tired of doctor’s appointments and I’m most tired of taking medications.
If we ever had the chance to do IVF I’m not sure how I would handle it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
3 follies on the right...
Happy friggin birthday to me. As a belated birthday gift I have 3 follies all on the right side! Ugh. Really? None on the left where I actually have a tube? The follies were all very nice at 1.9, 1.8 and 1.6 but my lining is at a 6.5 and they prefer to see 7 or higher. I do understand that the eggs that are released from my right side can meet up with the left tube…but come on people, have you seen my luck this year? So we’ll wait to see if I have a surge today or tomorrow and if not I will trigger tomorrow night for back to back IUI’s on Wednesday and Thursday. This is actually a couple cycle days earlier than my previous IUI’s.
I don’t know how feel about this cycle. It’s hard to find hope when the odds have been against us all year.
Oh, and happy blog and RE-iversary to me. October 8th, 2008 was my first blog post and last week was our 1 year anniversary of seeing our RE. It is a sad day in my book…last year I just knew seeing this doctor was going to work and we’d get pregnant. But IF and God had a different plan for us. At this point I’m still trying to figure out what this plan is and what it is supposed to accomplish.
I don’t know how feel about this cycle. It’s hard to find hope when the odds have been against us all year.
Oh, and happy blog and RE-iversary to me. October 8th, 2008 was my first blog post and last week was our 1 year anniversary of seeing our RE. It is a sad day in my book…last year I just knew seeing this doctor was going to work and we’d get pregnant. But IF and God had a different plan for us. At this point I’m still trying to figure out what this plan is and what it is supposed to accomplish.
Friday, October 16, 2009
And we're off!
After a debacle trying to make my CD 3 appointment I’m free and clear to move onto IUI #4. Both my doctor and my nurse were dumbfounded that this cycle didn’t work. I wanted to keep that aspect of the conversation to a minimum as I had already emotionally put away why this cycle didn’t work. I didn’t want to dwell on it any further as I’ve chosen to move forward. But I’ll tell you my RE’s office ticked me off today. I’ve never felt like a number as it’s a smaller office with only one doctor but when you hear outside of the room you’re waiting in, “Who is in here? Oh, it’s only a clomid check.” It’s hard not to feel like a number. After going here for a year with 3 IUI’s, 2 surgeries and many many blood draw appointments I should be more than just a “clomid check.” I have a name.
We’re doing the same protocol as the last two times as I respond really well. So I will take my first dose of clomid tonight. Yeah…I can’t wait for the mood swings.
The rest of this post is purely a vent… (which I never intended for a vent to be this long. Wow. I understand if you totally skip it.)
My birthday is on the 25th. My mom asked me what I would like for my birthday and my response was clothes. We decided we’d go shopping this Sunday for some fall clothes. Also, on everyone’s birthday we always go to dinner. Well, my husband calls me not too long ago and said that his mom called him and wants to do lunch this Sunday for my birthday and my SIL’s birthday. He told her I already had plans. Her response was “Do you think she can change them and go shopping with her mom another day?” My husband explained that probably not but he would call me anyway…
This brings me to a subject on my blog that I haven’t spoke about yet. I’ve started to write about this several times but chose not to in fear someone I know might find my blog and then put this out into the world. But her asking this question has brought me to the point where I feel I need to write about it and hopefully it will help me get over it all and move past it.
Back in July when I had my ectopic pregnancy his Mom did not show up to the hospital. My entire family did. When we were on our way to the hospital for pre-op his Mom asked what hospital. At this point she heard that it is a hospital that will probably take her an hour and a half to get to…and she decides that is was too far. She did ask my H several times if he wanted her there and all he would say is “it’s up to you, Mom.” Which I think is a fair answer. Yes, he wanted his Mom there to support us but he wasn’t about to force her into doing something she didn’t want to do. She did email my H a couple of times that evening while I was in surgery and they would go back and forth but it still is not the same as her being in the waiting room sitting next to him.
And to this day I cannot get past the resentment I have for her not coming. I remember the time she spent 24 hours in the hospital waiting room waiting for her grandchild to be born. I remember every time her son (my H) was in the emergency room for blood clots my parents always came to the hospital. I remember her pushing comments on us about wanting a grandchild from my H and I. I remember her going to the hospital in the middle of the night because her granddaughter was sick with a stomach virus.
I don’t understand why she didn’t come. Did it not occur to her that the embryo stuck in my tube was her grandchild? An hour and a half was so much of an issue it kept you from being with your son while his wife was in surgery???
I have a lump in my throat as I write this. It still bring me to tears thinking about the emotions I have now. I broke down about a month after everything went down and told my H what feelings I had about his Mom not showing up. My H felt every same emotion that I felt. But we also agreed we wouldn’t ever tell his Mom any of these feelings. His mother is really a very kind and lovely lady but telling her this she would sit with guilt for the rest of her life. I’d never wish that for someone. I’d never want to hurt her as I know it would do.
So when she asked if I’d change my plans with my Mother my exact thought flew to that day. So no, I will not change my plans. My mother is the one who gave birth to me and she is also the same person who will show up whenever and wherever my H and I need her to. And that my folks is called resentment. However, I do hope that one day I can get past these feelings. I do hope that one day when I see her I won’t think of that day and how disappointed I was that she wasn’t there to support her son. Because although I may have been the one in surgery, so was my H. We may not have been in the same room together but if you remember the emails he sent me while I was in surgery, it was like he was laying right next to me.
I honestly didn’t mean for this post to be this long but as I started to write my emotions took control. I had to get it out. It feels good to get it out. And it reminds me why I blog.
We’re doing the same protocol as the last two times as I respond really well. So I will take my first dose of clomid tonight. Yeah…I can’t wait for the mood swings.
The rest of this post is purely a vent… (which I never intended for a vent to be this long. Wow. I understand if you totally skip it.)
My birthday is on the 25th. My mom asked me what I would like for my birthday and my response was clothes. We decided we’d go shopping this Sunday for some fall clothes. Also, on everyone’s birthday we always go to dinner. Well, my husband calls me not too long ago and said that his mom called him and wants to do lunch this Sunday for my birthday and my SIL’s birthday. He told her I already had plans. Her response was “Do you think she can change them and go shopping with her mom another day?” My husband explained that probably not but he would call me anyway…
This brings me to a subject on my blog that I haven’t spoke about yet. I’ve started to write about this several times but chose not to in fear someone I know might find my blog and then put this out into the world. But her asking this question has brought me to the point where I feel I need to write about it and hopefully it will help me get over it all and move past it.
Back in July when I had my ectopic pregnancy his Mom did not show up to the hospital. My entire family did. When we were on our way to the hospital for pre-op his Mom asked what hospital. At this point she heard that it is a hospital that will probably take her an hour and a half to get to…and she decides that is was too far. She did ask my H several times if he wanted her there and all he would say is “it’s up to you, Mom.” Which I think is a fair answer. Yes, he wanted his Mom there to support us but he wasn’t about to force her into doing something she didn’t want to do. She did email my H a couple of times that evening while I was in surgery and they would go back and forth but it still is not the same as her being in the waiting room sitting next to him.
And to this day I cannot get past the resentment I have for her not coming. I remember the time she spent 24 hours in the hospital waiting room waiting for her grandchild to be born. I remember every time her son (my H) was in the emergency room for blood clots my parents always came to the hospital. I remember her pushing comments on us about wanting a grandchild from my H and I. I remember her going to the hospital in the middle of the night because her granddaughter was sick with a stomach virus.
I don’t understand why she didn’t come. Did it not occur to her that the embryo stuck in my tube was her grandchild? An hour and a half was so much of an issue it kept you from being with your son while his wife was in surgery???
I have a lump in my throat as I write this. It still bring me to tears thinking about the emotions I have now. I broke down about a month after everything went down and told my H what feelings I had about his Mom not showing up. My H felt every same emotion that I felt. But we also agreed we wouldn’t ever tell his Mom any of these feelings. His mother is really a very kind and lovely lady but telling her this she would sit with guilt for the rest of her life. I’d never wish that for someone. I’d never want to hurt her as I know it would do.
So when she asked if I’d change my plans with my Mother my exact thought flew to that day. So no, I will not change my plans. My mother is the one who gave birth to me and she is also the same person who will show up whenever and wherever my H and I need her to. And that my folks is called resentment. However, I do hope that one day I can get past these feelings. I do hope that one day when I see her I won’t think of that day and how disappointed I was that she wasn’t there to support her son. Because although I may have been the one in surgery, so was my H. We may not have been in the same room together but if you remember the emails he sent me while I was in surgery, it was like he was laying right next to me.
I honestly didn’t mean for this post to be this long but as I started to write my emotions took control. I had to get it out. It feels good to get it out. And it reminds me why I blog.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Lucky number four???
Yep. Lovely AF decided to come a day early. And honestly, I’m not upset. I did all the crying I’m going to do on Monday and Tuesday. I’m ready to move on to the next step. You want to know the best part? This next IUI is completely paid for by insurance! Not just the IUI itself…all appointments, etc. Hoorah! Last month when I went they had a new receptionist since the other lady had her baby and she said it shows I don’t have to pay anything but asked me if I normally paid anything because she had learned the patients know more about it then the paperwork tends to indicate. I decided that we had always paid 20% so I better go ahead in case something was screwed up on my paperwork. Well, by the time the IUI came around it still said that so I decided to let the office file it and see what comes of it.
Well, low and behold we were researching on the Aetna website last night and noticed that I had met my out of pocket amount. Wow. Really? So everything from here on out is 100% paid for. The plan is now to jump right into IUI #4.
And now I’m filled with excitement…which is great since on Monday and Tuesday I cried my heart out.
Well, low and behold we were researching on the Aetna website last night and noticed that I had met my out of pocket amount. Wow. Really? So everything from here on out is 100% paid for. The plan is now to jump right into IUI #4.
And now I’m filled with excitement…which is great since on Monday and Tuesday I cried my heart out.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Not feeling hopeful
By now I’m usually getting a very faint line but not this time. I don’t hold out very much hope for this cycle.
I just went back through my blog to reread posts from the previous two rounds and realized our count wasn’t as strong post-wash as it had been previously. We only had around 7 million. The other two times were 11 and 16 million. We also didn’t BD the next day either. We did BD the morning after the second IUI but not with the first. After all the bad this year feeling positive just doesn’t fall under a category I’m able to use.
Although, do I really want this cycle to mimic any of the things that the last two cycles did? They both ended bad, so why would I? The only parts that are the same is it took just as long for my follies to get to the mature stage, I had my IUI on a Thursday just like all the rest and I’ve had a ton of CM from O on just like last time.
Right now I pray that instead of another bad BFP I’d much rather a BFN. Although, a good BFP would be even better.
I just went back through my blog to reread posts from the previous two rounds and realized our count wasn’t as strong post-wash as it had been previously. We only had around 7 million. The other two times were 11 and 16 million. We also didn’t BD the next day either. We did BD the morning after the second IUI but not with the first. After all the bad this year feeling positive just doesn’t fall under a category I’m able to use.
Although, do I really want this cycle to mimic any of the things that the last two cycles did? They both ended bad, so why would I? The only parts that are the same is it took just as long for my follies to get to the mature stage, I had my IUI on a Thursday just like all the rest and I’ve had a ton of CM from O on just like last time.
Right now I pray that instead of another bad BFP I’d much rather a BFN. Although, a good BFP would be even better.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Today is CD24 and Day 6pIUI
and I have this overwhelming urge to POAFREAKINSTICK!!!!! Ugh! Although I know each time I would test out my trigger it would of been gone by yesterday...I still have the urge.
Oh...and the heartburn. Dear Lord the heartburn. Every freaking afternoon. My lunch starts to hit me by 3 and when I get in the car by 4:30 it is in full effect. Yesterday my H and I went to lunch at one of our favorite Italian places and oh man was it good. By the heartburn started around 3:00 and I went to bed with it. Milk and Pepto didn't help me. :(
Now off to see if I can hold on for 8 more days...I think we'll take a trip this weekend to Trader Joes. I'm so excited. Hopefuly cooking all of the delicious food this weekend will keep my mind off of POAS.
Oh...and the heartburn. Dear Lord the heartburn. Every freaking afternoon. My lunch starts to hit me by 3 and when I get in the car by 4:30 it is in full effect. Yesterday my H and I went to lunch at one of our favorite Italian places and oh man was it good. By the heartburn started around 3:00 and I went to bed with it. Milk and Pepto didn't help me. :(
Now off to see if I can hold on for 8 more days...I think we'll take a trip this weekend to Trader Joes. I'm so excited. Hopefuly cooking all of the delicious food this weekend will keep my mind off of POAS.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
And let the weird dreams begin
After every "O" I always have very weird, vivid dreams. Friday night I dreamt that my friend, who will be referenced as Susan from now on, who is due on Tuesday went into labor. And when I arrived at the hospital Susan along with her husband and mom were all just laying in the bed talking about her being in labor. I remember her mom said that Susan was still in her every day clothes and most likely will deliver in them. Uh, what?? That is about all I remember from this dream...Oh and FYI, she did not go into labor yesterday.
Last night I had a dream that we were doing one of our family reunions and that I was so upset because I didn't get to have a shower before everyone started to arrive. I was then also helping my cousin pick out a dish to put her food in. Which is funny in and of itself as this cousin doesn't cook and has tought her children to love chicken fingers and chips. I was getting so irritated that she wouldn't use the serving bowl that I told her to use. I also remember complaining about not having the same amount of tables that we would normally have. I then got upset with my Mom and Aunt because they were eating before everyone arrived.
WTF. I dream on occasion but hardly will I ever remember what happened. But with every 3 IUI's I've had this year I always have these odd dreams after I ovulate.
Today is day 3pIUI and so far so good. I didn't go and buy $ tree tests to test out my trigger. But I can't help myself from lurking on the 1st trimester message boards. I've also let myself google my EDD. June 25th. A summer baby sounds good to me :) Right now I'm just excited at the possibility and I'd like it to stay this way. The plan this week is to ask my boss for a ton of projects so I'm busy the entire time I'm at the office. This will also help me at night as when I have a busy day I'm so tired at night I don't have time to think.
Last night I had a dream that we were doing one of our family reunions and that I was so upset because I didn't get to have a shower before everyone started to arrive. I was then also helping my cousin pick out a dish to put her food in. Which is funny in and of itself as this cousin doesn't cook and has tought her children to love chicken fingers and chips. I was getting so irritated that she wouldn't use the serving bowl that I told her to use. I also remember complaining about not having the same amount of tables that we would normally have. I then got upset with my Mom and Aunt because they were eating before everyone arrived.
WTF. I dream on occasion but hardly will I ever remember what happened. But with every 3 IUI's I've had this year I always have these odd dreams after I ovulate.
Today is day 3pIUI and so far so good. I didn't go and buy $ tree tests to test out my trigger. But I can't help myself from lurking on the 1st trimester message boards. I've also let myself google my EDD. June 25th. A summer baby sounds good to me :) Right now I'm just excited at the possibility and I'd like it to stay this way. The plan this week is to ask my boss for a ton of projects so I'm busy the entire time I'm at the office. This will also help me at night as when I have a busy day I'm so tired at night I don't have time to think.
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