And we're off!

After a debacle trying to make my CD 3 appointment I’m free and clear to move onto IUI #4. Both my doctor and my nurse were dumbfounded that this cycle didn’t work. I wanted to keep that aspect of the conversation to a minimum as I had already emotionally put away why this cycle didn’t work. I didn’t want to dwell on it any further as I’ve chosen to move forward. But I’ll tell you my RE’s office ticked me off today. I’ve never felt like a number as it’s a smaller office with only one doctor but when you hear outside of the room you’re waiting in, “Who is in here? Oh, it’s only a clomid check.” It’s hard not to feel like a number. After going here for a year with 3 IUI’s, 2 surgeries and many many blood draw appointments I should be more than just a “clomid check.” I have a name.

We’re doing the same protocol as the last two times as I respond really well. So I will take my first dose of clomid tonight. Yeah…I can’t wait for the mood swings.

The rest of this post is purely a vent… (which I never intended for a vent to be this long. Wow. I understand if you totally skip it.)

My birthday is on the 25th. My mom asked me what I would like for my birthday and my response was clothes. We decided we’d go shopping this Sunday for some fall clothes. Also, on everyone’s birthday we always go to dinner. Well, my husband calls me not too long ago and said that his mom called him and wants to do lunch this Sunday for my birthday and my SIL’s birthday. He told her I already had plans. Her response was “Do you think she can change them and go shopping with her mom another day?” My husband explained that probably not but he would call me anyway…

This brings me to a subject on my blog that I haven’t spoke about yet. I’ve started to write about this several times but chose not to in fear someone I know might find my blog and then put this out into the world. But her asking this question has brought me to the point where I feel I need to write about it and hopefully it will help me get over it all and move past it.

Back in July when I had my ectopic pregnancy his Mom did not show up to the hospital. My entire family did. When we were on our way to the hospital for pre-op his Mom asked what hospital. At this point she heard that it is a hospital that will probably take her an hour and a half to get to…and she decides that is was too far. She did ask my H several times if he wanted her there and all he would say is “it’s up to you, Mom.” Which I think is a fair answer. Yes, he wanted his Mom there to support us but he wasn’t about to force her into doing something she didn’t want to do. She did email my H a couple of times that evening while I was in surgery and they would go back and forth but it still is not the same as her being in the waiting room sitting next to him.

And to this day I cannot get past the resentment I have for her not coming. I remember the time she spent 24 hours in the hospital waiting room waiting for her grandchild to be born. I remember every time her son (my H) was in the emergency room for blood clots my parents always came to the hospital. I remember her pushing comments on us about wanting a grandchild from my H and I. I remember her going to the hospital in the middle of the night because her granddaughter was sick with a stomach virus.

I don’t understand why she didn’t come. Did it not occur to her that the embryo stuck in my tube was her grandchild? An hour and a half was so much of an issue it kept you from being with your son while his wife was in surgery???

I have a lump in my throat as I write this. It still bring me to tears thinking about the emotions I have now. I broke down about a month after everything went down and told my H what feelings I had about his Mom not showing up. My H felt every same emotion that I felt. But we also agreed we wouldn’t ever tell his Mom any of these feelings. His mother is really a very kind and lovely lady but telling her this she would sit with guilt for the rest of her life. I’d never wish that for someone. I’d never want to hurt her as I know it would do.

So when she asked if I’d change my plans with my Mother my exact thought flew to that day. So no, I will not change my plans. My mother is the one who gave birth to me and she is also the same person who will show up whenever and wherever my H and I need her to. And that my folks is called resentment. However, I do hope that one day I can get past these feelings. I do hope that one day when I see her I won’t think of that day and how disappointed I was that she wasn’t there to support her son. Because although I may have been the one in surgery, so was my H. We may not have been in the same room together but if you remember the emails he sent me while I was in surgery, it was like he was laying right next to me.

I honestly didn’t mean for this post to be this long but as I started to write my emotions took control. I had to get it out. It feels good to get it out. And it reminds me why I blog.