And we're off!

After a debacle trying to make my CD 3 appointment I’m free and clear to move onto IUI #4. Both my doctor and my nurse were dumbfounded that this cycle didn’t work. I wanted to keep that aspect of the conversation to a minimum as I had already emotionally put away why this cycle didn’t work. I didn’t want to dwell on it any further as I’ve chosen to move forward. But I’ll tell you my RE’s office ticked me off today. I’ve never felt like a number as it’s a smaller office with only one doctor but when you hear outside of the room you’re waiting in, “Who is in here? Oh, it’s only a clomid check.” It’s hard not to feel like a number. After going here for a year with 3 IUI’s, 2 surgeries and many many blood draw appointments I should be more than just a “clomid check.” I have a name.

We’re doing the same protocol as the last two times as I respond really well. So I will take my first dose of clomid tonight. Yeah…I can’t wait for the mood swings.

The rest of this post is purely a vent… (which I never intended for a vent to be this long. Wow. I understand if you totally skip it.)

My birthday is on the 25th. My mom asked me what I would like for my birthday and my response was clothes. We decided we’d go shopping this Sunday for some fall clothes. Also, on everyone’s birthday we always go to dinner. Well, my husband calls me not too long ago and said that his mom called him and wants to do lunch this Sunday for my birthday and my SIL’s birthday. He told her I already had plans. Her response was “Do you think she can change them and go shopping with her mom another day?” My husband explained that probably not but he would call me anyway…

This brings me to a subject on my blog that I haven’t spoke about yet. I’ve started to write about this several times but chose not to in fear someone I know might find my blog and then put this out into the world. But her asking this question has brought me to the point where I feel I need to write about it and hopefully it will help me get over it all and move past it.

Back in July when I had my ectopic pregnancy his Mom did not show up to the hospital. My entire family did. When we were on our way to the hospital for pre-op his Mom asked what hospital. At this point she heard that it is a hospital that will probably take her an hour and a half to get to…and she decides that is was too far. She did ask my H several times if he wanted her there and all he would say is “it’s up to you, Mom.” Which I think is a fair answer. Yes, he wanted his Mom there to support us but he wasn’t about to force her into doing something she didn’t want to do. She did email my H a couple of times that evening while I was in surgery and they would go back and forth but it still is not the same as her being in the waiting room sitting next to him.

And to this day I cannot get past the resentment I have for her not coming. I remember the time she spent 24 hours in the hospital waiting room waiting for her grandchild to be born. I remember every time her son (my H) was in the emergency room for blood clots my parents always came to the hospital. I remember her pushing comments on us about wanting a grandchild from my H and I. I remember her going to the hospital in the middle of the night because her granddaughter was sick with a stomach virus.

I don’t understand why she didn’t come. Did it not occur to her that the embryo stuck in my tube was her grandchild? An hour and a half was so much of an issue it kept you from being with your son while his wife was in surgery???

I have a lump in my throat as I write this. It still bring me to tears thinking about the emotions I have now. I broke down about a month after everything went down and told my H what feelings I had about his Mom not showing up. My H felt every same emotion that I felt. But we also agreed we wouldn’t ever tell his Mom any of these feelings. His mother is really a very kind and lovely lady but telling her this she would sit with guilt for the rest of her life. I’d never wish that for someone. I’d never want to hurt her as I know it would do.

So when she asked if I’d change my plans with my Mother my exact thought flew to that day. So no, I will not change my plans. My mother is the one who gave birth to me and she is also the same person who will show up whenever and wherever my H and I need her to. And that my folks is called resentment. However, I do hope that one day I can get past these feelings. I do hope that one day when I see her I won’t think of that day and how disappointed I was that she wasn’t there to support her son. Because although I may have been the one in surgery, so was my H. We may not have been in the same room together but if you remember the emails he sent me while I was in surgery, it was like he was laying right next to me.

I honestly didn’t mean for this post to be this long but as I started to write my emotions took control. I had to get it out. It feels good to get it out. And it reminds me why I blog.

Lucky number four???

Yep. Lovely AF decided to come a day early. And honestly, I’m not upset. I did all the crying I’m going to do on Monday and Tuesday. I’m ready to move on to the next step. You want to know the best part? This next IUI is completely paid for by insurance! Not just the IUI itself…all appointments, etc. Hoorah! Last month when I went they had a new receptionist since the other lady had her baby and she said it shows I don’t have to pay anything but asked me if I normally paid anything because she had learned the patients know more about it then the paperwork tends to indicate. I decided that we had always paid 20% so I better go ahead in case something was screwed up on my paperwork. Well, by the time the IUI came around it still said that so I decided to let the office file it and see what comes of it.

Well, low and behold we were researching on the Aetna website last night and noticed that I had met my out of pocket amount. Wow. Really? So everything from here on out is 100% paid for. The plan is now to jump right into IUI #4.

And now I’m filled with excitement…which is great since on Monday and Tuesday I cried my heart out.

Not feeling hopeful

By now I’m usually getting a very faint line but not this time. I don’t hold out very much hope for this cycle.

I just went back through my blog to reread posts from the previous two rounds and realized our count wasn’t as strong post-wash as it had been previously. We only had around 7 million. The other two times were 11 and 16 million. We also didn’t BD the next day either. We did BD the morning after the second IUI but not with the first. After all the bad this year feeling positive just doesn’t fall under a category I’m able to use.

Although, do I really want this cycle to mimic any of the things that the last two cycles did? They both ended bad, so why would I? The only parts that are the same is it took just as long for my follies to get to the mature stage, I had my IUI on a Thursday just like all the rest and I’ve had a ton of CM from O on just like last time.

Right now I pray that instead of another bad BFP I’d much rather a BFN. Although, a good BFP would be even better.

Today is CD24 and Day 6pIUI

and I have this overwhelming urge to POAFREAKINSTICK!!!!! Ugh! Although I know each time I would test out my trigger it would of been gone by yesterday...I still have the urge.

Oh...and the heartburn. Dear Lord the heartburn. Every freaking afternoon. My lunch starts to hit me by 3 and when I get in the car by 4:30 it is in full effect. Yesterday my H and I went to lunch at one of our favorite Italian places and oh man was it good. By the heartburn started around 3:00 and I went to bed with it. Milk and Pepto didn't help me. :(

Now off to see if I can hold on for 8 more days...I think we'll take a trip this weekend to Trader Joes. I'm so excited. Hopefuly cooking all of the delicious food this weekend will keep my mind off of POAS.

And let the weird dreams begin

After every "O" I always have very weird, vivid dreams. Friday night I dreamt that my friend, who will be referenced as Susan from now on, who is due on Tuesday went into labor. And when I arrived at the hospital Susan along with her husband and mom were all just laying in the bed talking about her being in labor. I remember her mom said that Susan was still in her every day clothes and most likely will deliver in them. Uh, what?? That is about all I remember from this dream...Oh and FYI, she did not go into labor yesterday.

Last night I had a dream that we were doing one of our family reunions and that I was so upset because I didn't get to have a shower before everyone started to arrive. I was then also helping my cousin pick out a dish to put her food in. Which is funny in and of itself as this cousin doesn't cook and has tought her children to love chicken fingers and chips. I was getting so irritated that she wouldn't use the serving bowl that I told her to use. I also remember complaining about not having the same amount of tables that we would normally have. I then got upset with my Mom and Aunt because they were eating before everyone arrived.

WTF. I dream on occasion but hardly will I ever remember what happened. But with every 3 IUI's I've had this year I always have these odd dreams after I ovulate.

Today is day 3pIUI and so far so good. I didn't go and buy $ tree tests to test out my trigger. But I can't help myself from lurking on the 1st trimester message boards. I've also let myself google my EDD. June 25th. A summer baby sounds good to me :) Right now I'm just excited at the possibility and I'd like it to stay this way. The plan this week is to ask my boss for a ton of projects so I'm busy the entire time I'm at the office. This will also help me at night as when I have a busy day I'm so tired at night I don't have time to think.

HCG - Check

IUI – pending

I took my HCG shot last night. Actually, my H gave me the shot. It actually stung when he put the needle in and then it stung while he injected the medicine in me as well. The previous two times I had to take ovadril it didn’t sting so this was new to me. I’m not sure if it’s because this time the pharmacist said to take it out of the fridge 30 minutes before hand and we did but previous times no one told me this so we took it out and injected it right then.

So, we are on track for our IUI tomorrow. Since my appointment time is so close to lunch time I’m going to take the rest of the afternoon off from work. I’m going to have lunch with my H and then go home and relax. Maybe take a little nap and let my body do it’s magic! I have also decided that I am not going to test out my trigger. I have a good idea about the time that it is normally takes to be out of my system. I also feel like it is the fuel that burns the fire for my POAS addiction. I also pray that I can at least hold out until 14dpiui to test. And anything I can do so as not to feel like I am going out of my freaking mind by taking several tests a day for two weeks and then turning the test every which way to make sure not even a shadow of a line is there I am going to try. Last IUI I seriously felt like I was BSC.

So here we go…tomorrow at 11:30 is the big moment!

Getting close

To our 3rd IUI. I had my first monitoring appointment on Friday and like every other cycle I wasn’t quite ready at that point. I had three on my left at 1.2, 1.2 and 1.5 and one on my right at 1.4. When the tech said I had three on my left I wanted to get up and dance since I’ve been having pep talks with my left ovary to work extra hard this time as I’m really depending on it! Although, I know that I can release an egg from my right side and it can travel down the left tube I didn’t want to put all of my “eggs” (haha) in that basket.

My Doctor wanted me to come back in today for another monitoring appointment. I had three on my left at 1.7, 1.7 and 1.8 and two on my right at 2.0 and 1.4. I am going to take ovadril tomorrow night for an IUI on Thursday (My previous two were both done on Thurdays as well!) I was actually given the option to take the shot tonight and then IUI on Wednesday with the on-call doctor at the Atlanta office but when I found out who the on-call doctor was I opted for Thursday. If you remember this post from earlier this year you know why I don’t want to work with this doctor again. I’m so excited to finally be here again. By the time the IUI gets here I will have more 5 mature follies ready to release. Wow.

So I will hear from my nurse this afternoon about what needs to happen next…if I don’t get an LH surge over the weekend most likely I will return for another ultrasound on Monday and hope to then take ovadril and set up the IUI for Wednesday.

I did have my HSG last Tuesday. Everything went fine. The NP who did the procedure said that everything looks good but the end of the tube did look a little dilated. So no issues with the left tube – woohoo!

Here we go again...Will the 3rd time be the charm?

Today is CD 4. Which means, yes folks, I’ve had two cycles in a row that were 29 days each. WTF? Did my body finally get the memo that 60+ days for a cycle just isn’t cool? This also means that even though I got a positive on an OPK (and for 4 more days) that our hail mary didn’t work. I actually gave up hope due to having so many positive OPKs. But that didn’t stop me from wasting 4 HPTs.

I’m also on day 2 of clomid. Oh how I have not missed Mr. Clomid. Yep, we’re going for our 3rd IUI. I also have an HSG scheduled for next Tuesday. Maybe the 3rd time will be the charm for us??

I have to say that I am scared. I think I’m more scared of this cycle working but ending bad then it actually not working at all. When I went to make the call on Tuesday that I was on CD 2 to my RE’s office I had a panic attack. I felt my chest get heavy and I couldn’t breathe. Then I started crying. I tried to call my H but he wasn’t answering. He called me back about an hour later and I asked him to make the call. Which he gratefully did. Just knowing that we’re headed down this road again and that the previous attempts didn’t work out is freaking me out. I don’t want any more emotional and physical pain. I’m not sure I can handle it again.

I just keep praying that we will pull through this. That on the other side of all of this there is life past infertility.

Furious

I am so livid. My cell phone doesn’t normally ring unless it is my parents or my husband. I don’t spend a lot of time on it but when a number I don’t know calls I usually don’t answer as 99% of the time it is a wrong number and they realize this once they get my voicemail. Well, last night while I was with my mom a local number called but I decided not to answer. They didn’t leave a voicemail so I assumed it was a wrong number. Well, I’m sitting at my desk this morning and the same number pops up. I decided this time to answer. And it was Northside Hospital where I had my surgery at demanding a payment right then and there. Well, it was only last week that I received my final total of what I owe. $600 out of $16,000. Not bad but right now we don’t have that money laying around and I had planned on calling them to set up a payment plan after we got back from our mini vacation this weekend. I questioned the lady why she was calling me and harassing me for a payment a week after I received the invoice and her response was that the amount was due and asked if I’d be paying by check or credit card. I explained to her neither at the moment. She then asked me when I’d be putting a check in the mail. I told her twice I was at work and would not talk about this further. I eventually had to hang up on her as she wouldn’t listen to a thing I was telling her.

I’m so mad that they are harassing me already! Out of all our medical bills the past year NO ONE and I mean NO ONE has called and harassed us for payment.

If they would have called and started the conversation out with explaining to me what I owe and asked me if I have $600 laying around and if not did I want to set-up a payment plan I would have talked to her but she was so rude with her approach I didn’t even want to talk to her.

I wanted to scream at the lady that you’re harassing me for money to pay for taking out my baby and taking my fallopian tube and to have respect for the people you’re calling. I’m not several months behind in paying them. I don’t have a non-payment history with this hospital. I never said I wouldn’t pay them. I also wanted to ask if it ever occurred to NSH that the first phone call should be a nice phone call and then if I haven’t paid after that you can then get more stern about asking for a payment?

I’ve always paid my bills. I’m never late. So this angers me to no end.

What a difference a day makes.

Wow. What a turn of events. I don’t want to jinx myself. Nor take away the excitement that I’ve felt since yesterday afternoon. But I had to share this with just more than my H and my doctor.

Since I went off of birth control in October of 2007 and we started actively TTC in January of 2008 I have not ovulated on my own without medical intervention…EXCEPT FOR THIS CYCLE!!! Holy crap. I decided on Sunday since I had a couple of sticks left for the digital OPK’s I would use it. Well, it didn’t detect a surge. I decided on my lunch break to oh what the heck and buy a pack from the store. I took the test around 1:00 and low and behold the test line popped up as dark as dark can be long before the control line. I started freaking out. I’ve never had this happen before. I sent my husband a text message telling him…It was the best afternoon I’ve had in a long time!!

My H also spoke to our doctor this afternoon. The gist of the conversation was about how we can’t afford IVF but our insurance will still pay for 4 more IUI’s. Our doctor explained that since I got the positive OPK we should get busy (HAHA J ) and hopefully in a couple of weeks they would see me for a beta. He then said if that didn’t work and I got my period to call the office to set up our next IUI cycle and an HSG to be positive my other tube is open. Awesome. I am so glad that he is open to doing more IUIs. I am also thankful he wants to do an HSG to be sure my other tube is free and clear.

For whatever reason it may be I decided before bed last night to take the last digital OPK that I had and it popped up a big ole’ smiley face J Wow. I think I even did a little dance.