Hasta 2009!

Good riddance 2009! You made this the toughest year of my life and fankly you suck.

Dear 2010,

Can you be nicer to me this year? I sure would appreciate it!

Thanks,
Leigh Ann

Hope everyone has a great new year!!! We're headed out in a few for dinner, drinks and then headed to some bars in Athens - it has been a while and it is SOO NEEDED!!!

Family Christmas Party = Self Pity Party

Every December my husband's extended family has a christmas party that includes food and a gift swap game. Every year it is always held at his Aunt's house where they have built a barn that has a kitchen and a ton of southern antiques. Well, this is the first year that his cousin wasn't able to attend the gathering. She and her family moved to North Dakota last year and she was having surgery the day before. When it was time to eat his Aunt announced that his cousin wouldn't be there today but that she wanted to announce that she is going to be a grandmother for the third time again. Normally, I would be thrilled. On this day, I couldn't stop my emotions. I was overwhelmed and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I started crying right there. I thought about how it should of been us announcing our pregnancy. Luckily, I was able to pull it together quick enough that no one noticed.

Not long after, while everyone was in line getting food I was sitting with my MIL, SIL and neice. They started talking about the babies of the family aren't babies any more. My SIL said that we need more babies in the family. I knew exactly where this was heading. MY SIL then asked if we were still trying. Very quickly, I responded with I don't know and turned my head. I guess I was a dead give-away and she started apologizing profusely. This is when I really lost it. I couldn't stop myself. Here came the ugly cry. The cry I don't even like my husband to see. Through tears, I explained we've done three more cycles and they all failed. As quickly as I could I tried to contain myself. I didn't want anyone else to see the mess that I was.

To top it all off, when we were getting ready to leave my H's uncle comes up to us and my MIL and asked, "Aren't they having a baby as well?" FML.

This day is when I realized how bad I am. How I walk through life like everything is okay when it's not. I never realized that all this time I've been lying to myself.

I'm ready for some good news in our life.

Thanks, Mom...

I'd like to send out a great big ole' thank you to my mother who has mentioned not once but TWICE this week that I should still take an HPT. So apparently over the past year since I told my Mom about us seeing our RE she has spread the word at her school. She told me on Tuesday that one lady said that she bleed like that, thought it was her period but really she was miscarrying a twin and carried the one baby to term. So her thought was maybe this is what was happening. (Sorry, Mom. Not going to happen. At 9dpIUI the embryo(s) didn't even have time to implant.)

Her second story came tonight. This story comes from a lady whom she works with who has twins from IVF with my RE. She said that her SIL was pregnant with triplets and had bleeding and lost one of the babies...okay, so you get where my mom was going with this.

So to make her happy...I came home from the mall tonight, took an HPT and stared at...

A TEST WITH ONE LINE. Sorry to disappoint, mother.

Here is hoping our luck is better with the lottery tickets we bought tonight.

Ironic

Do you remember the song Ironic by Alanis Morissette? Well, that is my life. Last week I had a ton of hope that things were turning around for us. Who would produce 17 + follicles and not get pregnant? Last week I had sore bb’s, tired all of the time and Thursday night I woke up at 2 AM extremely nauseous. Against my better judgment on Friday I ran to Wal-mart on my lunch break and grabbed a box of 3 tests so that I’d have enough to use within the next week. I got back and ran to the bathroom, opened the test up and went to use it when low and behold what did I notice?

Blood. FML.

How ironic is it that when I go to test that little witch showed her ugly face. I had to leave work. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t believe this is MY LIFE. This is what I am dealing with. Since my first beta experience on March 4th, 2009 my life has turned into nothing but bad news. In one years time I’ve produced 30 + follies and I have nothing to show for it but medical bills, a lot more pain and sadness, one less tube and empty arms.

I am dreading the call that I need to make today. The call to tell my RE’s office that I am not pregnant and that AF showed up way too early. The call I dread even more is the return call from my RE. The call where he will tell me that he is sorry. 10,000 apologies will not help me. It’s not his fault.

Right now we plan on taking a break. We’re not even sure how long as before we could even think of using our last IUI we have to save up money for our deductible that goes up next year. And honestly I’m not even sure the time and money we’d spend on another IUI cycle would be worth it. Deep in my heart I believe that IVF is our next path. And unless we sell my grandmother’s house we can throw that out of the window. I’ve also decided to stop taking metformin for the time being as it is the most expensive drug I take on a daily basis. My goal for myself is to try and enjoy Christmas and New Years and plan for a fantastic 2010!!

9dpIUI

And I'm bleeding. I really thought this was our time. FU 2009.

After stressing all morning...

WE ARE NOT CANCELLED!!! I couldn’t even eat lunch today I was so worried.

My RE said he is usually very conservative but seeing my history he believes my risk for more than two is very low. Which, my H and I completely agree with this. I have produced multiple eggs with each IUI cycle and so far I have yet to have a successful pregnancy. He was so excited with how well I responded to the medicine and that my odds are very much in our favor this time around– his excitement took all of my worry and threw it out the door!

So tonight we will trigger for a Wednesday IUI. My RE doesn’t want to do back to back this time so we can try and get the highest count on Wednesday. Sadly, it won’t be my RE who does the insemination as he will be out of town. Luckily, the RE who will be doing the IUI was the first board-certified RE in Atlanta and is one of the founding partners of RBA. I do feel like I will be in very good hands.

The same excitement I had with my first IUI is here with me again this cycle! We are ready to be parents and cannot wait to show the world what great parents we will be!

Pending cancellation…

So they were just as baffled as to why my lead follie went from 1.8 to 1.6. My nurse said that when they see that the first thing they look for is to see if one ruptured and I ovulated but since my e2 went up yesterday that was not the case. The only thing that may have happened is that another follie was close to that one and it threw the measurement off.

The tech doing my ultrasound immediately asks me, “Are you going to continue with this cycle? Has he talked to you? You have a lot of follies.” My reply was, “No, but I’m sure I’ll get that talk today.” She then asked me if my insurance covers IVF and well, we all know that answer. She believes I would be a great candidate for IVF.

So once the nurse comes in she goes “Oh no, we’re doing too good! You’re doing better than a lot of my IVF patients.” In a way, I don’t know if I should be happy or mad at my ovaries for producing so many follies. I didn’t get a good look at the paper today but I did see “12+” for my left ovary with the lead follie being 1.9 and then from there I saw 1.7, 1.7, 1.7, 1.6…and so on. So it looks like if I triggered today I’d have 4 that are mature.

Now I wait and see what my e2 level is and what my RE says about this cycle. I have a feeling it will be my RE who calls me this afternoon instead of my nurse.

Sometimes I wonder...

Why I even want a child when I have one at home??

My soon to be 29 year old husband has been looking online all night at prices and places to buy an XBox 360. Mind you, I bought him a Wii last year for our anniversary. He now wants to sell the Wii and buy the Xbox.

Do they ever truly grow up? :)

Not triggering...

Ultrasound and Blood work appointment 11/22
Left - 1.6, 1.6, 1.5, 1.5, 1.4, 1.4, 1.0
Right - 1.4, 1,4, 1.2, 1.1, 1.0
e2 - 2400

Are you as confused as I am? Yesterday my lead follie was 1.8...today 1.6?? The tech looked really confused when looking at the ultrasound and then looking at the paper from the previous day. She told me that it will look like one shrunk, but it didn't and to not be scared. She said that she measured it twice. Honestly, I'm not sure who to believe. I want my regular ultrasound tech at my normal office for my ultrasounds from here on out - I just don't trust either who did them this weekend.

Since my e2 shot up to 2400 they want me to go down to 75 iu's and come in tomorrow (at my normal office) for another ultrasound and blood work. I hope this is my last as my insurance only covers 6 ultrasounds per IUI cycle. We have a credit but it won't cover the entire ultrasound.

I'm also really scared that we're getting too close to having too many follies too close in size. I fear by the time we get to trigger that the 1.6 - 1.4's could all be mature - that would be 8 follies but two of them I have a hard time believing they would make it to the left tube since they are on my right ovary.

My other fear now that we aren't triggering tonight is that my IUI will fall on Thanksgiving and it will make an odd situation showing up late to lunch at my parent's house.

I guess we will just have to wait and see how things go down tomorrow...sigh.

Stimming Day 6 & 7

Ultrasound and Blood work appointment 11/21
Left - 1.8, 1.4, 1.3, 1.3, 1.2, 1.1, 1.0 (Nurse wrote down 7 +)
Right - 1.1, 1.1 (Where did you come from?? She also put 2 +)
e2 - 1200 something (Different nurse called me while I was shopping and didn't pick up on the exact number)

Holy progress!! Where did all of these follies come from? I'll tell you what, I had a feeling that my ovaries were working over time as all day yesterday I felt like I was having AF-like cramps. I'm having the same cramping this afternoon. I asked the nurse who I saw today if I had too many and she doesn't think so as she belives I will trigger tomorrow night and only 2 will be mature. I am to continue taking 100 iu's of Follistim and then I go back tomorrow for another round of blood work and an ultrasound.

Wow - we're getting so close, so fast! This is truly the fastest I've ever progressed. I was praying we wouldn't have the IUI on Thanksgiving and by the way everything looks we'll go for back to back IUI's on Monday and Tuesday.

Thank you for all of your support - it means the world to me!

Stimming Day 4 & 5

Ultrasound and Blood work appointment 11/19
Left - 1.3, 1.1, 1.0 and 1.0
Right - NONE
e2 - 521

I'd like to thank my left ovary for once again working it's oh so wonderful magic! If we can keep up the good progress I would greatly appreciate it!

Everything is good except I really am bruising from the shots. But it will all be worth it if we end up with a baby at the end of all of this!

My refill for the Follistim was only $10!!! I did a little dance when my H called and told me that! He said he had the credit card in his hand waiting thinking it was going to be super expensive. Our nurse told us the Follistim is about $100 per 100 iu’s – we about died!

Also, I'm afraid that H has the flu or the start of something. He has been complaining about just feeling "off" and somewhat achy along with a headache. Hopefully he can fight this off.

Our RE recommend Fertility Blend vitamins for H to take to help his s.perm count. Well, he took his first dose on Tuesday and within 10 minutes got sick. So we have decided that he won't be taking these as what is the point in spending $40 on vitamins just to make youself sick?

Stims Day 1-3

My first 3 days of stimming went great! The first one I couldn’t even feel but the second dose hurt and stung. I actually have a bruise because of it.

3 follies, only one measureable at this point…but the really good part??? All are on my left side!!! Thank you left ovary for stepping up to the plate! The one follie is at 1.0. They are pretty sure when I come in on Thursday for my next ultrasound I will have more.

My e2 level is 240, which my nurse said was good. I am staying at 100 iu’s for the next two nights and then an ultrasound and bloodwork on Thursday.

So things seem to be going great and I can’t wait! One thing I am nervous about is my IUI falling next Thursday, Friday or Saturday and putting all of our plans out of whack. I guess we’ll just wait and see...

IUI #5…bring it on!!

After AF arrived basically right at 14 dpIUI on the dot yesterday I met my H for lunch where we discussed what we wanted to do. A decision had to be made right then because if we were going to do it then I had to have my CD3 ultrasound today. We decided since it will be free except for the co-pays for the medicines we really should not pass up this opportunity.

After talking with my RE for 20 minutes he finally okayed us for another IUI this year. His first recommendation was for us to take a break for a couple of months and then start back with an IUI with Femera and Follistim. He was concerned about our emotional well being. (Which FYI…Infertility and our medical conditions this year have only made my husband stronger and more united as a couple. No need to worry about us in this department.) All I had to explain to him was that for this year we have met our OOP max and his tone completely changed. He 100% understood why we were okay with doing our 5th IUI now instead of waiting. Our bank account, with this economy, really rules the roost these days.

We spoke about the different medicines we could try since Clomid is no longer an option since it was thinning my lining. We did speak about the nature of multiples and if we got down to the IUI and I had an excessive amount of follies what my H and I would like to do. And honestly. We don’t know what we would do. We’ve always said it would be one of those wait until we get there and then we’ll worry about it. He strongly urged we talk about it because if I were to have more than 6 follies his recommendation will be to cancel the cycle. I thought about it on my way home from work yesterday and the way that I view things is that I don’t have a tube on my right side. I have an extremely hard time believing that I have the kind of luck for the eggs released from my right side will travel to the left. (Have you seen my luck this year?? Come on people!) So say the situation were that I had a couple on my left ovary but 6 on my right – I would still want to do the IUI. But if the situation were reversed then yes, we’d have a huge decision to make.

We settled on 75 IU’s on Follistim only since we have such great insurance coverage.

I went in this morning for my CD2 ultrasound and they found one small cyst. My nurse told me it shouldn’t be a problem. She then showed me how the pen works for the Follistim. I really wished my H would have been here to learn how it all works as he will be the one poking me every evening. Then she dropped the bombshell of how many times I have to come in for ultrasounds and blood work! Holy Moly! Starting Tuesday I have to go in every day…wow. So this throws my entire work schedule into a tizzy.

My nurse just called and said that my estradiol level was at 81 and slightly on the high side but the cyst should be going away on it’s on so no need to worry. I’m currently googling estradiol levels because I’m not one hundred percent sure what it all means. She also said she spoke to my RE and he wanted to up the dosage of Follistim to 100 IU’s. So I’ll get about 4 doses from the vile.

So here we go…I stim for the first time tomorrow night right before we leave to go to dinner for our 2 year anniversary. It’s so funny how this new protocol seems to have given my attitude and hope the lift it needed! Can’t wait!!!!

Happy non-due date & BFN day to me

Today marks our first due date. We should be bringing home a baby today. Sadly, we’re not.

And today also marks BFN for me as well. Three sticks all laughed in my face this week.

I have to say I have the best husband as he knows this is going to be a hard day for me. He made coffee to go and a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast. He knows exactly how to cheer me up!

As of today I’m still not sure what I plan on doing when AF shows. I’m extremely tired of being kicked around this year but on the other side of things all we’d have to pay for is meds. The only plan we have right now is to join Weight Watchers.

Devastated

We did IUI 1 of 2 for this cycle today. It started off with our nurse telling us that our post-wash was only 2.8 million. Which she followed up with, “It’s low but it’s still enough to get you pregnant.” My response was less than enthusiastic. While we waited on the doctor my H and I discussed how this cycle could be any more of an abomination. And when our doctor came in it just went even further downhill. He sat down and went over each of our sperm counts for all of our IUI’s. We’ve gone from 16 to 11 to 7.5 and now 2.5. Our pre-wash numbers were in the 7-8 million range. He explained that the amount this time was 1.3 and last time it was 2.8 so that has something to do with the low counts. This next part I’m not too familiar with but what we do have to work with they were at a stage 4 and that is really good as they didn’t die. He also explained a lot more about our sper.m counts but I was so thrown back that we were having to have this talk that it took everything in me not to cry…so listening wasn’t my top priority at the moment. He then moved on to my thin lining. He said if this cycle doesn’t work he wants us to either A) Take a break or B) Change medications. He is afraid that clomid is thinning out my lining. And he doesn’t want me on it for another cycle since I was just on it for the two previous. He then ended this lovely conversation by saying, “So this is going to work, right?” It took everything in me not to laugh. I just shrugged my shoulders. I couldn’t say yes when I’ve already got my mind set on this cycle failing.

After the procedure he discussed us having our 2nd IUI tomorrow. He mentioned that if we wanted we could always BD and not come in but if we wanted to come in tomorrow and do the IUI he’d like us to but they are unsure of what our counts will be. (FYI we have decided to do our 2nd IUI tomorrow.)

As soon at the doctor left the room I told H that him going over everything beforehand really made me stressed out and upset. Both of us are just shocked that after everything we have been through this year that another punch in the face was thrown at us today. I just can’t believe this is our life.

After we had lunch together I just sat in my car and cried. I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. I don’t understand what I’ve done. How could life be this unfair? When will our prayers be answered? I can’t wait to be a mom…so lord, if you’re reading this…please guide us through this. Our hearts are aching.

Done.

This is just becoming so taxing that I can’t even remember to take all of the pills I’m supposed to take. I missed my last dose of Clomid. I ended up taking it the next morning when I remembered. And then last night, even though I knew it was important to take the estrace as we needed my lining to thicken up, I forgot it as well. So I took it this morning.

I feel like I am sabotaging this cycle and I don’t even know why. After this cycle if it doesn’t work we’re going to take some time off. We’ll wait until after the new year, possibly into spring before we start another cycle. I’m tired of doctor’s appointments and I’m most tired of taking medications.

If we ever had the chance to do IVF I’m not sure how I would handle it.

3 follies on the right...

Happy friggin birthday to me. As a belated birthday gift I have 3 follies all on the right side! Ugh. Really? None on the left where I actually have a tube? The follies were all very nice at 1.9, 1.8 and 1.6 but my lining is at a 6.5 and they prefer to see 7 or higher. I do understand that the eggs that are released from my right side can meet up with the left tube…but come on people, have you seen my luck this year? So we’ll wait to see if I have a surge today or tomorrow and if not I will trigger tomorrow night for back to back IUI’s on Wednesday and Thursday. This is actually a couple cycle days earlier than my previous IUI’s.

I don’t know how feel about this cycle. It’s hard to find hope when the odds have been against us all year.

Oh, and happy blog and RE-iversary to me. October 8th, 2008 was my first blog post and last week was our 1 year anniversary of seeing our RE. It is a sad day in my book…last year I just knew seeing this doctor was going to work and we’d get pregnant. But IF and God had a different plan for us. At this point I’m still trying to figure out what this plan is and what it is supposed to accomplish.

And we're off!

After a debacle trying to make my CD 3 appointment I’m free and clear to move onto IUI #4. Both my doctor and my nurse were dumbfounded that this cycle didn’t work. I wanted to keep that aspect of the conversation to a minimum as I had already emotionally put away why this cycle didn’t work. I didn’t want to dwell on it any further as I’ve chosen to move forward. But I’ll tell you my RE’s office ticked me off today. I’ve never felt like a number as it’s a smaller office with only one doctor but when you hear outside of the room you’re waiting in, “Who is in here? Oh, it’s only a clomid check.” It’s hard not to feel like a number. After going here for a year with 3 IUI’s, 2 surgeries and many many blood draw appointments I should be more than just a “clomid check.” I have a name.

We’re doing the same protocol as the last two times as I respond really well. So I will take my first dose of clomid tonight. Yeah…I can’t wait for the mood swings.

The rest of this post is purely a vent… (which I never intended for a vent to be this long. Wow. I understand if you totally skip it.)

My birthday is on the 25th. My mom asked me what I would like for my birthday and my response was clothes. We decided we’d go shopping this Sunday for some fall clothes. Also, on everyone’s birthday we always go to dinner. Well, my husband calls me not too long ago and said that his mom called him and wants to do lunch this Sunday for my birthday and my SIL’s birthday. He told her I already had plans. Her response was “Do you think she can change them and go shopping with her mom another day?” My husband explained that probably not but he would call me anyway…

This brings me to a subject on my blog that I haven’t spoke about yet. I’ve started to write about this several times but chose not to in fear someone I know might find my blog and then put this out into the world. But her asking this question has brought me to the point where I feel I need to write about it and hopefully it will help me get over it all and move past it.

Back in July when I had my ectopic pregnancy his Mom did not show up to the hospital. My entire family did. When we were on our way to the hospital for pre-op his Mom asked what hospital. At this point she heard that it is a hospital that will probably take her an hour and a half to get to…and she decides that is was too far. She did ask my H several times if he wanted her there and all he would say is “it’s up to you, Mom.” Which I think is a fair answer. Yes, he wanted his Mom there to support us but he wasn’t about to force her into doing something she didn’t want to do. She did email my H a couple of times that evening while I was in surgery and they would go back and forth but it still is not the same as her being in the waiting room sitting next to him.

And to this day I cannot get past the resentment I have for her not coming. I remember the time she spent 24 hours in the hospital waiting room waiting for her grandchild to be born. I remember every time her son (my H) was in the emergency room for blood clots my parents always came to the hospital. I remember her pushing comments on us about wanting a grandchild from my H and I. I remember her going to the hospital in the middle of the night because her granddaughter was sick with a stomach virus.

I don’t understand why she didn’t come. Did it not occur to her that the embryo stuck in my tube was her grandchild? An hour and a half was so much of an issue it kept you from being with your son while his wife was in surgery???

I have a lump in my throat as I write this. It still bring me to tears thinking about the emotions I have now. I broke down about a month after everything went down and told my H what feelings I had about his Mom not showing up. My H felt every same emotion that I felt. But we also agreed we wouldn’t ever tell his Mom any of these feelings. His mother is really a very kind and lovely lady but telling her this she would sit with guilt for the rest of her life. I’d never wish that for someone. I’d never want to hurt her as I know it would do.

So when she asked if I’d change my plans with my Mother my exact thought flew to that day. So no, I will not change my plans. My mother is the one who gave birth to me and she is also the same person who will show up whenever and wherever my H and I need her to. And that my folks is called resentment. However, I do hope that one day I can get past these feelings. I do hope that one day when I see her I won’t think of that day and how disappointed I was that she wasn’t there to support her son. Because although I may have been the one in surgery, so was my H. We may not have been in the same room together but if you remember the emails he sent me while I was in surgery, it was like he was laying right next to me.

I honestly didn’t mean for this post to be this long but as I started to write my emotions took control. I had to get it out. It feels good to get it out. And it reminds me why I blog.

Lucky number four???

Yep. Lovely AF decided to come a day early. And honestly, I’m not upset. I did all the crying I’m going to do on Monday and Tuesday. I’m ready to move on to the next step. You want to know the best part? This next IUI is completely paid for by insurance! Not just the IUI itself…all appointments, etc. Hoorah! Last month when I went they had a new receptionist since the other lady had her baby and she said it shows I don’t have to pay anything but asked me if I normally paid anything because she had learned the patients know more about it then the paperwork tends to indicate. I decided that we had always paid 20% so I better go ahead in case something was screwed up on my paperwork. Well, by the time the IUI came around it still said that so I decided to let the office file it and see what comes of it.

Well, low and behold we were researching on the Aetna website last night and noticed that I had met my out of pocket amount. Wow. Really? So everything from here on out is 100% paid for. The plan is now to jump right into IUI #4.

And now I’m filled with excitement…which is great since on Monday and Tuesday I cried my heart out.

Not feeling hopeful

By now I’m usually getting a very faint line but not this time. I don’t hold out very much hope for this cycle.

I just went back through my blog to reread posts from the previous two rounds and realized our count wasn’t as strong post-wash as it had been previously. We only had around 7 million. The other two times were 11 and 16 million. We also didn’t BD the next day either. We did BD the morning after the second IUI but not with the first. After all the bad this year feeling positive just doesn’t fall under a category I’m able to use.

Although, do I really want this cycle to mimic any of the things that the last two cycles did? They both ended bad, so why would I? The only parts that are the same is it took just as long for my follies to get to the mature stage, I had my IUI on a Thursday just like all the rest and I’ve had a ton of CM from O on just like last time.

Right now I pray that instead of another bad BFP I’d much rather a BFN. Although, a good BFP would be even better.

Today is CD24 and Day 6pIUI

and I have this overwhelming urge to POAFREAKINSTICK!!!!! Ugh! Although I know each time I would test out my trigger it would of been gone by yesterday...I still have the urge.

Oh...and the heartburn. Dear Lord the heartburn. Every freaking afternoon. My lunch starts to hit me by 3 and when I get in the car by 4:30 it is in full effect. Yesterday my H and I went to lunch at one of our favorite Italian places and oh man was it good. By the heartburn started around 3:00 and I went to bed with it. Milk and Pepto didn't help me. :(

Now off to see if I can hold on for 8 more days...I think we'll take a trip this weekend to Trader Joes. I'm so excited. Hopefuly cooking all of the delicious food this weekend will keep my mind off of POAS.

And let the weird dreams begin

After every "O" I always have very weird, vivid dreams. Friday night I dreamt that my friend, who will be referenced as Susan from now on, who is due on Tuesday went into labor. And when I arrived at the hospital Susan along with her husband and mom were all just laying in the bed talking about her being in labor. I remember her mom said that Susan was still in her every day clothes and most likely will deliver in them. Uh, what?? That is about all I remember from this dream...Oh and FYI, she did not go into labor yesterday.

Last night I had a dream that we were doing one of our family reunions and that I was so upset because I didn't get to have a shower before everyone started to arrive. I was then also helping my cousin pick out a dish to put her food in. Which is funny in and of itself as this cousin doesn't cook and has tought her children to love chicken fingers and chips. I was getting so irritated that she wouldn't use the serving bowl that I told her to use. I also remember complaining about not having the same amount of tables that we would normally have. I then got upset with my Mom and Aunt because they were eating before everyone arrived.

WTF. I dream on occasion but hardly will I ever remember what happened. But with every 3 IUI's I've had this year I always have these odd dreams after I ovulate.

Today is day 3pIUI and so far so good. I didn't go and buy $ tree tests to test out my trigger. But I can't help myself from lurking on the 1st trimester message boards. I've also let myself google my EDD. June 25th. A summer baby sounds good to me :) Right now I'm just excited at the possibility and I'd like it to stay this way. The plan this week is to ask my boss for a ton of projects so I'm busy the entire time I'm at the office. This will also help me at night as when I have a busy day I'm so tired at night I don't have time to think.

HCG - Check

IUI – pending

I took my HCG shot last night. Actually, my H gave me the shot. It actually stung when he put the needle in and then it stung while he injected the medicine in me as well. The previous two times I had to take ovadril it didn’t sting so this was new to me. I’m not sure if it’s because this time the pharmacist said to take it out of the fridge 30 minutes before hand and we did but previous times no one told me this so we took it out and injected it right then.

So, we are on track for our IUI tomorrow. Since my appointment time is so close to lunch time I’m going to take the rest of the afternoon off from work. I’m going to have lunch with my H and then go home and relax. Maybe take a little nap and let my body do it’s magic! I have also decided that I am not going to test out my trigger. I have a good idea about the time that it is normally takes to be out of my system. I also feel like it is the fuel that burns the fire for my POAS addiction. I also pray that I can at least hold out until 14dpiui to test. And anything I can do so as not to feel like I am going out of my freaking mind by taking several tests a day for two weeks and then turning the test every which way to make sure not even a shadow of a line is there I am going to try. Last IUI I seriously felt like I was BSC.

So here we go…tomorrow at 11:30 is the big moment!

Getting close

To our 3rd IUI. I had my first monitoring appointment on Friday and like every other cycle I wasn’t quite ready at that point. I had three on my left at 1.2, 1.2 and 1.5 and one on my right at 1.4. When the tech said I had three on my left I wanted to get up and dance since I’ve been having pep talks with my left ovary to work extra hard this time as I’m really depending on it! Although, I know that I can release an egg from my right side and it can travel down the left tube I didn’t want to put all of my “eggs” (haha) in that basket.

My Doctor wanted me to come back in today for another monitoring appointment. I had three on my left at 1.7, 1.7 and 1.8 and two on my right at 2.0 and 1.4. I am going to take ovadril tomorrow night for an IUI on Thursday (My previous two were both done on Thurdays as well!) I was actually given the option to take the shot tonight and then IUI on Wednesday with the on-call doctor at the Atlanta office but when I found out who the on-call doctor was I opted for Thursday. If you remember this post from earlier this year you know why I don’t want to work with this doctor again. I’m so excited to finally be here again. By the time the IUI gets here I will have more 5 mature follies ready to release. Wow.

So I will hear from my nurse this afternoon about what needs to happen next…if I don’t get an LH surge over the weekend most likely I will return for another ultrasound on Monday and hope to then take ovadril and set up the IUI for Wednesday.

I did have my HSG last Tuesday. Everything went fine. The NP who did the procedure said that everything looks good but the end of the tube did look a little dilated. So no issues with the left tube – woohoo!

Here we go again...Will the 3rd time be the charm?

Today is CD 4. Which means, yes folks, I’ve had two cycles in a row that were 29 days each. WTF? Did my body finally get the memo that 60+ days for a cycle just isn’t cool? This also means that even though I got a positive on an OPK (and for 4 more days) that our hail mary didn’t work. I actually gave up hope due to having so many positive OPKs. But that didn’t stop me from wasting 4 HPTs.

I’m also on day 2 of clomid. Oh how I have not missed Mr. Clomid. Yep, we’re going for our 3rd IUI. I also have an HSG scheduled for next Tuesday. Maybe the 3rd time will be the charm for us??

I have to say that I am scared. I think I’m more scared of this cycle working but ending bad then it actually not working at all. When I went to make the call on Tuesday that I was on CD 2 to my RE’s office I had a panic attack. I felt my chest get heavy and I couldn’t breathe. Then I started crying. I tried to call my H but he wasn’t answering. He called me back about an hour later and I asked him to make the call. Which he gratefully did. Just knowing that we’re headed down this road again and that the previous attempts didn’t work out is freaking me out. I don’t want any more emotional and physical pain. I’m not sure I can handle it again.

I just keep praying that we will pull through this. That on the other side of all of this there is life past infertility.

Furious

I am so livid. My cell phone doesn’t normally ring unless it is my parents or my husband. I don’t spend a lot of time on it but when a number I don’t know calls I usually don’t answer as 99% of the time it is a wrong number and they realize this once they get my voicemail. Well, last night while I was with my mom a local number called but I decided not to answer. They didn’t leave a voicemail so I assumed it was a wrong number. Well, I’m sitting at my desk this morning and the same number pops up. I decided this time to answer. And it was Northside Hospital where I had my surgery at demanding a payment right then and there. Well, it was only last week that I received my final total of what I owe. $600 out of $16,000. Not bad but right now we don’t have that money laying around and I had planned on calling them to set up a payment plan after we got back from our mini vacation this weekend. I questioned the lady why she was calling me and harassing me for a payment a week after I received the invoice and her response was that the amount was due and asked if I’d be paying by check or credit card. I explained to her neither at the moment. She then asked me when I’d be putting a check in the mail. I told her twice I was at work and would not talk about this further. I eventually had to hang up on her as she wouldn’t listen to a thing I was telling her.

I’m so mad that they are harassing me already! Out of all our medical bills the past year NO ONE and I mean NO ONE has called and harassed us for payment.

If they would have called and started the conversation out with explaining to me what I owe and asked me if I have $600 laying around and if not did I want to set-up a payment plan I would have talked to her but she was so rude with her approach I didn’t even want to talk to her.

I wanted to scream at the lady that you’re harassing me for money to pay for taking out my baby and taking my fallopian tube and to have respect for the people you’re calling. I’m not several months behind in paying them. I don’t have a non-payment history with this hospital. I never said I wouldn’t pay them. I also wanted to ask if it ever occurred to NSH that the first phone call should be a nice phone call and then if I haven’t paid after that you can then get more stern about asking for a payment?

I’ve always paid my bills. I’m never late. So this angers me to no end.

What a difference a day makes.

Wow. What a turn of events. I don’t want to jinx myself. Nor take away the excitement that I’ve felt since yesterday afternoon. But I had to share this with just more than my H and my doctor.

Since I went off of birth control in October of 2007 and we started actively TTC in January of 2008 I have not ovulated on my own without medical intervention…EXCEPT FOR THIS CYCLE!!! Holy crap. I decided on Sunday since I had a couple of sticks left for the digital OPK’s I would use it. Well, it didn’t detect a surge. I decided on my lunch break to oh what the heck and buy a pack from the store. I took the test around 1:00 and low and behold the test line popped up as dark as dark can be long before the control line. I started freaking out. I’ve never had this happen before. I sent my husband a text message telling him…It was the best afternoon I’ve had in a long time!!

My H also spoke to our doctor this afternoon. The gist of the conversation was about how we can’t afford IVF but our insurance will still pay for 4 more IUI’s. Our doctor explained that since I got the positive OPK we should get busy (HAHA J ) and hopefully in a couple of weeks they would see me for a beta. He then said if that didn’t work and I got my period to call the office to set up our next IUI cycle and an HSG to be positive my other tube is open. Awesome. I am so glad that he is open to doing more IUIs. I am also thankful he wants to do an HSG to be sure my other tube is free and clear.

For whatever reason it may be I decided before bed last night to take the last digital OPK that I had and it popped up a big ole’ smiley face J Wow. I think I even did a little dance.

Desire

I can’t seem to cool down this burning desire. This desire that I want a child for us so badly. This desire that tends to creep into my life every second of every day.

This desire knocked me across the head on Saturday at my friends baby shower. I had several moments where I felt tears well up in my eyes. Not only was my friend pregnant but another one of her guests was as well. To top it all off myself and my friends younger sister were the only ones who hasn’t been pregnant or had a child. I realize that I was at a baby shower – I realize that children were going to be the topic of discussion – but I guess I thought they would play games, eat, open presents and be done with it. I didn’t realize that the shower would be so small that it would break into everyone else’s pregnancy/labor stories. I sat quietly. I felt like any advice or input I had didn’t count. My experiences all belonged in the categories of Infertility, IUIs, Blighted Ovum, D&C’s, Ectopic Pregnancy and Laparoscopic surgery – nothing that would keep the shower in an upbeat spirit. And any input I would have was only second hand – and who really wants second hand advice?

As my husband and I were driving to dinner on Saturday we were discussing my friend and how miserable she feels and that I’ve heard that is common in the third trimester. I told him that I’m tired of hearing and reading about pregnancy and having a child – I just want to experience it firsthand.

We’ve decided we’re ready to move along with our journey. We’ve decided we want to try another IUI. I understand the risks and am willing to deal with that if by some chance we get to that point. I’ve asked my DH to call our doctor this week and see if he will okay performing another IUI in the near future. With my H working from home and his work truck it is much easier for him to have this sort of conversation than me sitting in my cube. I do realize my doctor may have an issue as he didn’t get to see my left tube. I also will probably have a larger chance of the cycle being cancelled as I tend to create a lot of mature follicles. I just hope if we get to it I don’t temporarily crazy during this 2ww as well and spend $40+ in HPTs.

IF Sadness

I’ve been a bad blogger and I realize I am way overdue for a real blog post. My life has been very boring. I’ve had trouble coming up with something to blog about. Honestly though, I’ve tried to stay away from reading blogs and message boards. I feel like they fuel the baby wanting fire. But the past couple of days I have been lurking a little bit more. Only because I’ve asked my husband to call our RE next week and speak to him about his thoughts on another IUI instead of IVF for now. But that is a totally different post for another day and time.

Before I did both IUI’s I was never sad about the position we were in. I didn’t cry. I took everything in stride. I used to read posts about being upset about other BFP announcements and think to myself “I’ll never be that kind of girl.” I never truly felt the sadness that IF brings. This year that has brought me pain and heartaches. I find myself jealous of the couples who can afford IVF. I completely understand what a terrible thought that is – but I can’t seem to shake it. I opened a Halloween costume magazine last night and the first page were babies in costumes. I closed the magazine immediately. The other night at dinner I saw a girl I went to high school with and couldn’t help but notice how visibly pregnant she is. My husband didn’t understand why this affected me. But it did. My co-workers 19 year old daughter brought her 4 month old baby into the office the other day. I couldn’t even look and aww at the beautiful baby boy.

On Saturday we decided to do a date night and go to a movie and then dinner – exactly what we did on our first date. I realized while getting dressed that this last loss combined with the fact that we may never be able to do what our doctor recommends has completely taken a toll on my self esteem and I didn’t even realize it until right then. I hated the way a brand new shirt looked on me. I realized that I had put on a few pounds since the ectopic and it’s really affecting the way that I Iook at myself in the mirror. So this put a tail spin on my mood that eventually put my husband in a foul mood.

I don’t know how to move past these feelings…but I’ve got to do it.

On another note…My best friend’s baby shower is this weekend and I wouldn’t miss it for the world but I’m so afraid of being asked these two questions while I am there… “Do you have any children?” and “When are you going to have children?”

What do you do when you get these questions? I’m finding myself getting these questions more and more.

Normal?

My body has never understood what that word means. But it seems as if it's giving me somewhat of a break today. Today is day 30 since my D&C and laparoscopy. Today is also Day 1 of my first cycle post ectopic pregnancy. That is correct folks my body understood that I should be starting my period around this time. I had to take progesterone after my first D&C for AF to finally arrive.

Thank you AF for a bit of normalcy in a life of craziness.

I need your help/advice!

I posted this on the TTTC board that I visit...mostly lurk...and honestly I didn't get many responses. I thought I would post on here to get your thoughts as I'm at a loss on what direction I should pull for.

I need some help. My H and I are faced with a dilemma and I need some input to help us make a decision.

I had my first IUI in February. I had a BFP but it turned out that I had a blighted ovum and had a D&C in April. We did our second IUI in June which also turned into a BFP. Two and a half weeks ago I had emergency laparoscopic surgery and a D&C to remove an ectopic pregnancy. My RE had to remove my right tube.

After surgery he has said to us three times that I can remember that he would recommend us moving onto IVF. His reasons were 1. He couldn’t see my left tube so he doesn’t know how healthy it is and 2. Now that I’ve had one ectopic my chances of having another ectopic with IUI is now at 20% while doing IVF my chance would go down to 1%.

We’re considering going against my doctors recommendation and doing another IUI instead of IVF right now. Here are my reasons:

1. My H and I have done some research and found many success stories of pregnancies with only one tube and did not need IVF.
2. Our insurance does not cover IVF.
3. Our deposit to our RE would be $10,250 and that does not guarantee it would cover everything and we’d also be OOP for meds.
5. We’re nowhere near having that amount of money. We’d have to save for years.
4. Our insurance will cover 4 more IUIs and the medicines that go along with it.
5. With either option I still have the chance of an ectopic pregnancy. One is just a little higher than the other.
6. If I were to lose the second tube during IUI (hopefully not!) then I could still move on to IVF. (From what I have read and I intend to check with my RE)

After much thinking, crying and talking I really need to consider the 80% chance that it won’t happen again. We plan on setting up a meeting with our RE in the next month or so to talk about what direction we want to head. I just want to go into this meeting with the knowledge I need to convince him that we’re okay with the 20% chance.

So if you have any advice, opinions or just comments in general I would appreciate it. My head and heart are scattered with feelings, emotions and thoughts and it is hard to tell what I should listen to and what I shouldn’t.

I'm so bummed.

Last week was a pretty decent week. I worked all week long and didn’t cry near as much as the previous week. But something happened over the weekend. Someone flipped the switch and I felt like a totally different person.

We went to our friend’s 2 year olds birthday party on Saturday and you should have seen the excitement on her face as each gift was opened. She would start doing this little dance and not know what gift to go to she was so excited. I felt tears fill my eyes. I realized we may never experience our own child having this much excitement. Afterwards I just asked my husband to take me home. I took a four hour nap.

I didn’t do a thing on Sunday except cook dinner. I spent all day on the couch watching the television. It took a lot of convincing to get myself up and start dinner yesterday. I cooked one of our favorites but it didn’t turn out right and it bummed me out even more.

This may be the end of the road for us concerning TTC. Maybe not forever but I do believe for a very long time. I heard from RBA’s business office today and after speaking with my insurance company they will not pay for IVF. Just our deposit alone to the RE would be $10,250. This does not include any medications I would have to take.

I feel like my thoughts and my emotions are getting out of hand. I feel as if they aren’t valid and that I need to move on and face the facts. It’s just hard facing the reality that children may not be part of god’s plan for us. I just wonder when I'll be able to go a day, week or month without letting this affect who I am.

I realize this post is scattered but if you’re looking into my life right now that is exactly what it is…scattered.

Stop punching my heart!!

I’m feeling really beat up today. More emotionally than physically. I feel like my heart keeps getting punched. I returned to work on Wednesday. The night before this I couldn’t help but cry uncontrollably. I know that I have my fair share of reasons to cry right now but at that very moment I couldn’t pin point why I was crying. I had spent most of that day by myself. The first time since Friday I didn’t have any company. I spent most of the day on the couch, surfing the internet, watching television, taking naps and THINKING way too much. My dear sweet husband told me it was okay to cry and for me to talk to him. I just kept saying I don’t know why I am crying. I feel too much to know the exact reason. I came up with a few but I know it’s not all that I am feeling.

1. I realized that the next day I would return to work. I didn’t want to go back yet. If it weren’t for the damn economy I wouldn’t be stuck in a temporary position for 15 months with the same company. My boss tried really hard last fall to get me hired on but the company fought back and said no that they couldn’t put anyone else on payroll. So I get no paid time off. If I take off for a doctor’s appointment I usually work through lunch or come in early/stay late just so I can get paid. When I take off for vacation I work through lunches for months just so I don’t lose an entire week’s worth of pay. So if I had paid time off I would have been out all week trying to put myself back together.

2. And as tears rolled down my face I could barely get these words out of my mouth. I’m having a hard time understanding why our babies won’t stay around long enough for us to show them how much we truly love them. We have so much love to give and every chance that we get that opportunity is stolen from us. I don’t understand why they don’t want our love.

3. I also can’t get over the feeling that I’ve done something to deserve all of the hurt and pain that I feel. Is it my fault that I can’t make my husband a father and our parents grandparents?

At times I feel okay. That okay moment hit me yesterday when I made plans for us to go to our friends house for dinner on Saturday. This friend is due the first week of October with her first child. Right now I’m asking myself why did I do this? Although they are very supportive; am I ready to be around someone who is pregnant?

My DH has been taking and picking me up from work since I returned on Wednesday. On our way home on Wednesday we talked about IVF. We hoped that our insurance company would pay for IVF. Our thought was that if they would pay for it we wanted to try and cycle in November. We’ve already met our deductible for the year. So I decided that since today I was actually going to take a lunch break that I would call and see what they would say. Silly me for thinking that we had a chance. So I explained to the lady what happened last Friday and what my doctor recommended and I wanted to see what coverage we might have for IVF. The lady goes “Well, let me document your events from Friday. Okay, let me see. You have 6 IUI’s covered for a lifetime. So no, you don’t have coverage. Anything else I can do?” As tears filled my eyes and my lips began to quiver I quickly said no and hung up. I wanted to ask her more questions but I couldn’t. I realized that I felt personally attacked when she said no. It isn’t her fault and I know sometimes when things don’t go exactly how I hoped I tend to come off as batshit crazy. I don’t quite understand because when I had to call for coverage to see the RE and have IUI’s I had to call them and go through my history, answer a bunch of questions and then they decided to give me 6 IUI’s. They don’t do the same thing for IVF? They don’t take into consideration that IUI’s are only going to cause me more trouble? I just don’t understand insurance companies. I’ve decided to let my husband call and talk to them. He won’t get emotional and he won’t take it personally if they tell him no.

Here I am two hours after the call and I just can’t wrap my head around this. My insurance company would rather pay for the clomid, estrace, ovadril, IUI, tons of betas, ultrasounds, doctors appointments, D&C, laparoscopy, anesthesia, hospital stay, and pain medication again than even consider IVF? They would rather run the risk of me having another ectopic pregnancy? My chances of another ectopic with IUI have improved greatly. Asinine. I won’t put myself through this again if I can help it. So I’d like to give my insurance company a big ol’ FU!!

At this point my husband and I are nowhere near having enough money to pay OOP. It would take us forever to save us this kind of money. Our only hope now is that my mom is offering to pay. But the only way she can afford to help us is if my grandmother’s house sells. And at that point we’d only have one chance. I just don’t know.

I’m beginning to realize I’m not okay yet. And that just because for an hour I didn’t have the past few months events on my mind doesn’t mean I’ve 100% dealt with everything and moved on. I know it may be months before I don’t start crying out of nowhere. I know that I have to let my mind and my body heal over time.




On another note…I forgot the other day to express my thankfulness for such an amazing doctor that I have. If it weren’t for him most likely I would have been in a lot more danger. I am so thankful that he didn’t let my husband and family sit for three hours last Friday and not know a thing. He called my husband throughout surgery to tell him what he saw and what would happen. He realized I wasn’t the only one going through this. While I was writing this post my phone rang and it was my doctor. He wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing. He reminded me to take it easy. (He knows me too well as I’ve had a hard time depending on others and I like to be too independent.) He asked how I was doing emotional and usually I’d give my whole I’m doing fine, don’t worry about me response. But with this conversation I decided that I didn’t have to always be strong, I could let go of my pride for just a couple of minutes because if anyone understands what I am going through it would be him. He hasn’t spent 17 years dealing with IF for nothing. I told him that I’ve had my moments but I’m learning to deal with it all. He told me that it is normal and if I didn’t then he’d be worried that something was wrong with me.

I’ve thanked god every day since Friday for giving me a doctor as amazing as him. His care, his bedside manner, his knowledge and his ability to put a smile on my face even though he is giving me bad news is something out of this world. How did I get so lucky? If you’re reading my blog and you’re in need of an amazing Reproductive Endocrinologist please email me as you can’t get any better than Dr. S!! (It also doesn’t hurt that he is actually quite cute. Haha!)

I am thankful to be alive.

Recount of my ectopic experience

I’m not sure where to start as this was truly not suspected. We really thought I was miscarrying on my own and that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

On Thursday I was still bleeding and I decided to call my doctors office to update them and also get a refill on metformin. They scheduled me to come in for a beta, ultrasound and to meet with my doctor. I thought it would be an appointment where they would say they couldn’t see anything but a sac and that I’d either be told to wait it out or have a D&C next week.

I went into work before my appointment because I am bogged down with projects that I wanted to put in some time on. I left for my appointment and as the u/s tech started the ultrasound she said she would look first and then let us know what was going on. She started taking picture immediately. It felt like 10 minutes before she said anything. She showed me that my uterus was still empty. She said that most likely my doctor will want to come in and take a look himself. He came in started looking and said that my right ovary was a comma shape and he noticed something around my right ovary. I got dressed and we went to speak with the doctor.

He told us that he believes that it is one of two things that he saw on the u/s. Ectopic or a cyst on my ovary. At this point I still didn’t believe that it was ectopic because all I’ve ever heard was that I’d be in severe pain. I never experienced this. He then gave us three options…

1. A shot of methotrexate. It’s only about 80% effective. We’d never find out what actually happened. Could cause a lot of different side effects.

2. Wait it out. Not recommended at all by my doctor and most likely he wouldn’t have let me pick this.

3. Laparoscopy and a D&C. 99% effective. We’ll have an answer as to what happened with this pregnancy.

My DH and I really wanted some answers and we wanted this over with as soon as possible. I was on day 15 of bleeding and really wanted to move on to some normalcy for my life.

I had to quickly go to quest to have a few tests run to make sure I could have the surgery. I ran there and the lady freaked saying that those tests couldn’t be run stat. Telling her I had to have surgery that afternoon didn’t work so I broke out the tears and told her about the pregnancy. She quickly changed her tone and worked her magic that I knew she could do to have it do STAT.

I then had to run back to work send some reports to my boss and explain to her what was going on. I was out of work and on my way home within 20 minutes. I still wasn’t sure when, where or if I’d have surgery on Friday as I had to wait to hear from my doctors office. Once I get home they do call and I’m all set for 5:00 at a hospital over an hour away from my house in Atlanta. I had to leave pretty soon after the call because I need to be at the hospital two hours before surgery for pre-op. Since we were told that it would be an hour surgery and an hour recovery and then I could leave I only brought a change of pants so that I could wear something comfortable around the cuts.

We arrived at the hospital and of course parked what felt like an hour away from where we actually needed to be. Go me for finding out where admissions are at exactly. As we’re almost where we need to be we notice that it is raining cats and dogs outside. Glad that we were inside checked in, filled out all the paperwork that was needed and they took me back to get changed into my lovely dress for the next several hours. About 45 minutes before my surgery is to take place I’m all settled in and they are putting in my IV another nurse comes in and says that Dr. S just left his office. What?! During the day it would take 30 minutes from his office to this hospital. With traffic? probably 45 minutes. On a Friday afternoon? Most likely an hour. On a Friday afternoon while a down pour happens on the interstate? 2 hours and 30 minutes. I went into surgery 2 hours late. I had already been moved from one floor to another because I was the last one waiting to go into surgery. Once he arrived he went over the game plan and we expressed that if at all we really wanted to save my tube if it was ectopic. I kissed my husband and we were off. The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist saying take deep breaths and I was out.

I remember waking up in a daze. I could barely open my eyes. When I did open my eyes I could only see shadows. I remember hearing my doctor say something but I’m not sure what he said. At one point the nurse asked me my pain level. I remember when I was in pre-op they asked me on a level of 1 to 10 where should they medicate me and we decided on a 2. So I said a 3…I don’t think I was in so much pain as shock at feeling the cuts. She then told me she couldn’t medicate me and I was still too out of it to argue with her. I then remember someone saying that it was ectopic and that I lost my right tube. All I could do was cry. Crying while you’re some what comatose is hard. I then started saying “My Husband. Where is he?” The nurse also denied letting him in and I replied “Why?” I didn’t care if they had others in the room recovering. I then remember my doctor saying that I am doing good and I was going to stay over night and he would see me in the morning.

The next thing I knew they were wheeling me out of recovery and I saw my husband and family in the hall way. I reached out for my husband so he would know that it was me and he could follow us. The bed they had me on wouldn’t fit into the room so they had me scoot myself onto another bed. Once they moved me into the room my family was allowed in the first thing that I asked my husband and Mom is why did they have me say 2 for the pain and when I told the nurse 3 she denied me. My husband went into total protective mode and when my nurse came in to check my vitals immediately asked her. They actually had a good reason. Apparently I was still so out of it my oxygen level wasn’t high enough that I was still using the oxygen from the machine and they had to make sure that was stable before they were allowed to give me any pain medication. At this point I was able to see around the room. My DH said that he had pictures and would show me if I was interested. Uh, yeah. He showed me my ovary. And then the tube with the embryo in it. Holy Crap. It was HUGE. How could I not be in any pain? It is amazing.

I then fell asleep but I could still hear everything going on in the room. I could even hear myself snore? Great. My husband was right – I do snore!! It was the oddest thing. I was asleep but felt like I was awake. Once my family left I thought that my H and I were going to try and get some sleep. Which I did for about two hours until I heard the nurse and my H talking. He went to get more blankets and tell the nurse that my IV bag was empty. She then asked if I was in any pain and to be honest I didn’t feel a thing! I was so excited. She then said I’d need to use the restroom some time which I did. It wasn’t until they helped me out of bed that I really felt the cuts. I had to use the bathroom 5 times throughout the night. The urge seemed to come every hour on the hour.

My doctor came in around 10 AM the next morning and checked out everything. He said everything looked great and he was releasing me to go home. We then spoke briefly about what our next steps would be. He knows that we wanted to take a break before we’d even consider moving on to our next option. He strongly urges moving to IVF to bypass the possibility of another ectopic in the left tube. The chance will be 1% at this time.

I’m now at home and healing nicely. Emotionally I’m okay. This is the first day where I’ve spent most of it along and on the couch. It’s really given me time to put my emotions together and think. I’m returning to work tomorrow. It’s going to be hard getting adjusted because I still can’t sit up straight for a long period of time. I’m also not allowed to lift anything and I have to stay off my feet as much as possible.

I wanted to take a minute to say that my husband is incredible. He has never been the kind of guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve. When I checked my email for the first time on Sunday I noticed several emails from my H. Each email updated me on what was going on throughout my surgery and telling me how much he loves me. I didn’t realize this but the doctor and nurses would call my H from the OR and update him. I was so glad because it didn’t keep him waiting since I was originally supposed to be gone for 2 hours and I was gone for over 3. The last email was sent after my family left and I had fallen asleep. It was a pep talk – he told me that he didn’t see this as we will never have kids but that this is a test to see how badly we want kids. I balled as I read these emails and I am balling as I write this. He made me feel like he was right next to me during the entire surgery holding my hand. How did I get so lucky?

I know this post is long and it has taken me 3 days to write all of this. I still haven’t got out everything I want to say but I really want to put more thought into my next post. I really want to sort out my feelings. My feelings on everything that has happened, what is to come and IVF.

Ectopic and emergency surgery

on Friday. I lost my right tube. I'm doing fine and at home healing now. I'll post more when I can.

332

or 323 is yesterday's beta. I honestly can't remember because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I knew it wasn't good when it was almost 4:00 and my cell phone rang. When it's later in the day and they call on my cell phone I know that it is my doctor and he usually doesn't call with good news. He spent 10 minutes explaining things but honestly I don't remember much of what he said. His guess is I'll either miscarry on my own or need a D&C next week. I have a beta on Friday morning to see if my numbers are going up or down. After all of this he wants to do some testing to see if he can find a reason why I've had two early miscarriages.

I had to leave work early because I was so distraught. I feel so horrible for blaming my doctor for taking away my normalcy. It's no where near his fault. It is my body. I don't understand why it doesn't like pregnancy.

We plan on taking a break on the TTC front. We do want to get the testing done to see why this is happening although it may not bring any answers for us. We also plan on taking a vacation sometime soon to help clear our minds and relax.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement.

Feeling robbed

I’m feeling very emotional today. I can’t get my doctors words out of my head. I know that my beta numbers are on the low scale but still well within the range that I could be okay. I understand that I could have the same problem again. I’ve already thought about this – many times. But I had decided when my beta doubled for a second time last Monday that I wasn’t going to worry myself. I was going to be happy knowing that two lines show up on tests. I wanted to feel normal. I just wanted to bask in knowing that I am pregnant. Infertility has already robbed me of happiness and normalcy but why did my doctor have to do the same thing? I now find myself searching google for any glimpse of hope.

On my lunch break I checked my facebook and noticed one of my friends who has a baby posted pictures of her trip to the beach. While looking through them you could see the happiness of not only the baby but how happy her and her husband were to have a child. You could see the bond they had with their child and I started crying. I want that bond for my husband and I so badly.

Next time I'll think before calling my RE with a problem.

I hesitate posting this as it may sound as if I am ungrateful for my doctors office but after having the blighted ovum and then having to have a D&C in April my emotions are in high gear and I feel extremely overwhelmed.

I don’t ever want to feel like my well being is a bother to someone else. But I should have gone to the ER over the weekend. I would have received the same lack of compassion there as I did at my RE’s office. And I would expect that from an ER who doesn’t know me from ten buck two. I normally like my RE’s office. I haven’t had a problem with my doctor before. I’ve only had one problem and that wasn’t with my doctor or his staff. I called first thing this morning and told the receptionist that I’ve had on and off bright red bleeding all weekend and I was wondering if I need to come in and be seen. Her response was “How far along are you?” I am 5w3d. “Well, it may be too early.” I wanted to say “no kidding, Sherlock”, but I refrained. She got my number (Oh yes, they have to ask for my number each time I come in now because THEY HAVE LOST MY CHART ever since the whole debacle of not calling me about my first beta.) and said that she’d call back after talking to Dr. S. Well, she called back an hour later and said that Dr. S said if I felt like I need to get a scan to come on in and they would “work me in.” Gee, thanks.

My DH met me at the office and they were able to take us right back for an ultrasound. The tech sat for what felt like an hour just staring at the screen. Not taking pictures, nothing. She then said she didn’t see anything but it may just be too early. My husband saw something that looked round and he asked “Is that the sac” her response was “No. I don’t think so.” You don’t think so? You either know or don’t know. Pick one, please. She asked what my last beta number was and last Thursday it was 220. She of course then gave up because she realized my betas were too low to see anything right now. (Duh.)

I then waited to see my doctor who came in and said that even though it is early they still should have seen something small and that with all of my history that it looks like I may be going through the same thing again. He also can’t explain why I am bleeding. I really wanted to be a smartass at this point and ask him how he remembers my history since they have lost my chart. My heart sank at this point because I didn’t expect him to say this. Previously I praised him because his responses are usually filled with “I’m sorry” and “I really wanted this to work for ya’ll.” But I didn’t get this with this appointment. He wanted me to have another beta and progesterone drawn and also wants me to get my TSH levels checked because in his words it is important when you’re pregnant. Another smartass comment almost flew out of my mouth…what does it matter what my TSH level is – you already believe I won’t be pregnant for much longer. He mentioned doing an internal exam but since I wasn’t bleeding at the time then he didn’t think he would see anything. Okay, whatever. I honestly wish he had done the internal exam over the ultrasound. I knew when I called they wouldn’t see anything in an ultrasound. (TMI warning) *When I went to the restroom an hour after my appointment the ultrasound had worked up a lot of the dried brownish blood inside of me and it was on my panty liner, on the toilet paper and some had even dropped into the toilet.* He may have been able to see something. I asked him if it could be my cervix causing the bleeding issue since it was ripped during the D&C and was already short. His only response was no because I would have been bleeding long before now. I felt like he completely misunderstood my question and got a little defensive.

I realize I sound really bitter and spiteful but I came in for some type of answer to the bleeding and I got the complete opposite. This second cycle isn’t near as easy on me as the last. Maybe I’m a little too sensitive right now. Maybe over time what happened today will make more sense. But right now I feel hurt and upset. We’ve already decided that if this doesn’t work out the way we hope it does then this will be our last attempt for a while. I don’t like being worried, stressed, and emotional all while handing out a bunch of money for it all to go wrong and not get any answers as to why this happens.

Maybe I will have a different opinion on all of this in a couple of days but for now I’m praying that my little bean proves him wrong this time. That would be one sweet victory in my mind.

I don't think we'll make it to Friday

On Friday afternoon I woke up from my nap and went to the bathroom (TMI warning) and when I wiped I had bright red blood on the tissue. After that it turned pink and then I didn't have anything else. I had a panty liner on and nothing was in it. I decided to wait and not call my doctors office because I felt fine and didn't have any cramps. I was also afraid they would send me to an ER and I know it's too early to see anything on an u/s. I woke up on Saturday morning and had another round of the bleeding. Just a wipe on the TP of red blood. After this episode I went the entire day without any sight on blood until we got home around 12 AM from our friends house. My panty liner was half filled with red blood and when I wiped I had another tp filled with blood.

I still haven't had any pain or cramps. I laid/sat on the couch basically all day on Friday trying to take it easy. Yesterday we spent the morning at home and went to my parents for lunch and then I laid in a float in the pool the rest of the afternoon. I did some standing up for a while at our friends house but nothing that should bring on more blood I would think. I'm scared but trying not to freak out. At this point I know they wouldn't be able to do anything for the bleeding - it's all in the hands of my uterus. I'm going to spend most of today taking it easy as well. I plan on calling my doctors office on Monday morning and see what they want me to do.

Yesterday's beta was 220. They checked my progesterone as well because I've had a little bit of spotting the past few days. It was 20 and right where it should be. I admit the spotting scares me. I also had slight pain yesterday morning. It was mainly in my pelvic area and it wasn't sharp nor was it unbearable. Dr. Google said that it was probably my uterus stretching and to drink water. I drank a bottle and a half and felt much better.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Friday at 11:15. Keep me in your thoughts please!

It more that doubled!!

Today's beta number is 88! Yeah!! We've hit a milestone. Last time we didn't double with the third beta. So right now I am smiling. I pray that everything goes well with the 4th beta on Thursday so that my arm can stop looking like a war zone.

We decided now it is okay to tell both of our parents. They both knew we did the IUI earlier this month. My husband actually called his mom this afternoon and told her. I got an email and the subject line was "I love you," the email was in all caps and said "CAN YOU TELL I’M EXCITED???? I’M SO HAPPY AND I’LL KEEP PRAYING THAT ALL GOES WELL!!!" My MIL cracks me up - it is too sweet! I'm going to call my mom on my way home from work. We would do something more special for the grandparents but I really don't want to do a big production and something happen.

17.8 is todays level.
Doubling time of 48.79.
This just doesn't sound good.
My husband keeping telling me to have hope but really - who has heard of someone having a good pregnancy with such low numbers?

9

I have nothing to say. This is depressing.

RE's office never called.

I'm somewhat peeved at my RE's office. Both nurses told me yesterday when they drew my blood that they get the results back between 2 and 4. So I waited, and waited, and waited and never heard from them. They open at 8 AM so you can bet I'll be calling them on the dot.

I'm not expecting a high beta number since the lines on the test are so light. I did have some very small spotting and light cramps last night. The spotting was a rusty color and it was very, very minimal. The cramping was light and only lasted about 10 minutes or so.

I really hope they have a good explanation as to why they didn't call me yesterday. It was very stressful and I don't appreciate it.

Going to get this figured out.

I'm getting this shit figured out once and for all. Beta is scheduled tomorrow at 8 AM. These tests where some have a very light line and some don't are pissing me off. I should know something tomorrow afternoon

I think I'm knocked up.

On two tests yesterday I had very, very light lines. I took one this morning and the line was a little darker. Darker to the point where I didn't have to turn the test, you could look at this one and the line was light but it was there. I haven't told DH yet...I actually made him hide my extra test on Sunday thinking I could hold out until Thursday. The walmart down the street from work is just too easy to go on my lunch break. Do you think he'll be mad that I went and bought more?

Sorry if I don't make sense...I'm really shaking right now.

**Who knows? I took a second test about two hours later after drinking half of a 32oz gatorade and it didn't show anything? Could I have gotten a false positive?

New low.

I POAS during lunch and I think I see a second line that is very, very, very light. I’m thinking about POAS again later this afternoon. Sigh. This is seriously a new low. If this cycle doesn’t work I think I want to take a break. The first time around was so much easier.

Antsy.

I on day 6 past IUI and I’m feeling very anxious. I didn’t really notice any cervical mucus last week but yesterday and today I’ve had very creamy white cervical mucus. I didn’t experience this after my first IUI so it made me think. Maybe I didn’t ovulate last week. Maybe I’m about to O really soon. I decided to test out my trigger and take an OPK. OPK turned out negative and so did the HPT. Trigger is out of my system. I noticed this morning that I had some more so when I got back to my desk I decided to visit my best friend google. (Sometimes google can be the devil.) I typed in “Cervical mucus after ovulation” and the first website that came up was www.thelaboroflove.com so I clicked on it and in the article it brought up I read this…

“Around the time of implantation many women experience a sudden increase in cervical fluid again and there even may be some pink or brownish tint to some of the cervical mucus. This is thought to be a bit of blood that is caused by the implantation of the egg in the lining of the uterus. After this initial increase in cervical mucus and a slight tint pink the experience of each woman varies widely.”

This really put me at ease. Of course, this is the only article I can find that states this. Most state just spotting as a sign of implantation. I’ll most likely start testing on Sunday.

And let the 2ww begin!

IUI # 2 took place yesterday and I’m officially in the 2 week wait. My doctor didn’t get to do the insemination this time as I believe he is on vacation so I had another doctor in the practice. I really liked her and she was actually very funny. When the nurse brought us back and went over all of the numbers of my DH’s count. I don’t remember everything exactly as she wasn’t very personable and ran though it very quickly. We had 16 million post wash which is 5 million more than we had last time. The insemination took less than 5 minutes but this time it hurt more than I remembered the first one hurting. I wasn’t doubled over in pain but it was more like a shocking pain. The doctor recommended having sex the morning and night after. DH was excited about this of course – he even tried to get the doctor to say that we needed to have sex during lunch that day as well. She didn’t bite but played a long with him and joked. It made for a very comfortable experience with a doctor I’ve never met.

I decided to take the day off from work unlike last time. I am glad I made this decision since I had more cramps this time and a little bit of bleeding. The cramps actually lasted all day and I even went to bed feeling crampy. I tried to spend the rest of the day on the couch resting. I did make a delicious dinner that ended the day just wonderfully. I took Anne Burrell’s recipe from the Food Network’s Braised Beef Short Ribs recipe and reduced it to 4 people. I really surprised myself with how well they looked and tasted. I thought it was going to be hard but it wasn’t - just time consuming.

So now I’m here just waiting. I plan on buying $ tree cheapies to test out the trigger. With the last IUI I wiped out the $ tree of their cheapie tests and DH made fun of me. What can I say – I’m obsessed and at least this gives me something to do every day until I know something. I am absolutely not the type who won’t test. Here’s hoping!!

IUI # 2 here we come!

I have 5 follies – 3 are mature enough right now to release eggs. 1.2, 1.2, 1.5, 1.8 and 2.0 Nurse J walked in with a big smile and asked "Ready to have multiples?" HAHA! You should have seen my DH's face. He said, "Well, at least we'd get a reality show." LOL!! She explained that we have 3 that are ready and that since I'm triggering tonight and won't have the IUI until Thursday that the 1.2's could be mature by the time we get there. So the chance of us getting pregnant is great, the chance of us having twins is likely and the chance of us having more than twins is 5%. She did bring up if multiples did occur that they may want to talk to me about selective reduction – which I completely understand and hope they would want to talk to me about this especially if they think that I me or any of the babies were in danger.

I'm really excited that we're at this step again and I'm very hopeful that this will work. You know what will be cool? I will be 10 dpIUI on Fathers day. My plan will be to test on day 10 and hope I'll see too linmes. I think it would be completely awesome to give my DH a little something special that day. Last time I gave him the onesie I had stored away. I'll have to come up with something else this time.

My appointment went okay…

I have 2 follies – one at 1.2 and the other at 1.3. My lining is also not as thick as they would like to see. I didn’t see Nurse J today as she wasn’t in yet so I saw Nurse T and she explained that I’m not quite where they want me to be and she is confident that Dr S will want me to continue taking the Estrace, continue LH monitoring, and come back on Tuesday for another check. I’m waiting on Nurse J to call and confirm this plan. It seems like things are progressing just like my last cycle – let’s hope that this cycle is as successful.

Nurse T did say that for people who don’t ovulate on their own having 1 follicle is good and that having 2 is even better. This made me feel better because to be honest, I was hoping they would have been 1.4 to 1.5.

CD 12

Today is the start of CD 12 and I’m feeling extremely anxious. I’m supposed to start using OPK’s today but I’ll admit I started them on CD 10 because I’m always so afraid of missing an O even though I know I don’t normally O on my own. I’ve noticed a vast difference with taking 100 mg of clomid instead of 50. I probably have double the amount of CM than I’ve ever had. I had a taste of the clomid crazies several times this week. They aren’t pretty. Every day this week I’ve left my job hating it - every single aspect of it. I’m not sure if it is really my job that I hate or if the clomid is making me feel this way. This week things that have been said, not said and actions taken have not settled well with me. I have a melt down in my car every afternoon. I hope next week is a better week. I don’t like this feeling this way.

Tomorrow is my mid-cycle ultrasound and I am excited. I hope everything looks good and we’ll be on our way to IUI # 2 in just a couple of days.

Fight Like A Girl

While on my way home from work last week I heard a song on the radio that really spoke to me. It is a song of building confidence and never losing hope. A couple of lines really hit home – dealing with infertility is draining. It’s very hard not letting it take over your life and who you are as a person. The lyrics are “I'll hold my head high. I'll never let this define the light in my eyes. Love myself, give it hell I'll take on this world If I stand and be strong No, I'll never give up I will conquer with love And I'll fight Like a girl”

The song, Fight like a girl, is by a new country duo – Bombshel. I’ve added the video to this post with the song. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do. I listen to it daily to remind myself that I am more than infertility. I will kick its ass. :)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wwtl_vKWdVs 

I started but unknown territory.

Hallelujah! I started my period on Sunday. This has been one of the worst periods on my life. I’ve never had cramps or a flow like this one. **TMI ALERT** I haven’t been able to take a shower without trying to get out and have blood running down my legs. I feel like an old grandma because I have to wear one of the biggest pads I’ve seen in my life. A tampon just won’t cut it. Never in my life have I experienced this sort of emotion and it’s such an unknown territory. I thought I would be so excited for my period to return. I never thought I would be down in the dumps. But experiencing one of the many happenings of ending a pregnancy hit me link a ton of bricks.

Hopefully I’ll be over this once my period ends…it will be such a relief not wearing a diaper.

Today is CD3 - I have my ultrasound tomorrow.

Anxious

I'm getting extremely anxious. I really want my period to start NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week - NOW!! It's hard to control this feeling. It mostly happens when my husband and I see our nieces or out in public and see a child and we watch them along with making comments and giggle at them. The worst part that seems to hit me right in my stomach is signing onto Myspace or Facebook and seeing these statuses:

This is a status from my hairdresser:

"Had a great day with my hubby and sweet baby gurl! Can't believe our first anniversary is this weekend!"

Note: She was married in May 2008 and got pregnant just a few short months afterwards.

This status is from one of my best friends since high school:

"has a very active baby this morning!"

My friend is in her 20th week - they tried for over a year and a half to get pregnant and I'm very excited for them. When we thought we were pregnant they were so happy and excited for us - it actually allowed me to be excited because we were going to share our pregnancies together.

Everyone around me is getting to experience these moments but us. I want these moments. I want that feeling that I'll be needed for the rest of my life. I want to show my children exactly what my mother showed my brother and I - unconditional love.

30 Day Shred

I had a break down on the cruise because a dress a bought a couple of months back that fit me perfectly wouldn't zip-up. I looked forward to wearing this dress - I bought the perfect jewlery and shoes to go with this dress and not even my spanx was getting me in this dress. I felt so defeated.

I purchased Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD yesterday from Amazon. I should have it by Monday or Tuesday. I've heard nothing but great stuff about this work-out and best of all each session is less than 30 minutes. That is exactly what I need!

I'm ready to get my butt kicked.

Back to reality...boo!

Sorry it’s taken me so long to update. The week before we left for our cruise was a busy one! I had so many things to do before we left – I felt so stressed to get it all done, especially everything at work. Since we’ve gotten back its back to reality…I believe you always need a vacation from your vacation. It’s been hard getting back into the swing of things. I have at least cooked two nights this week! Go me!

The cruise was amazing! We had a blast! Our cruise left out of Miami on Sunday but we left on Friday after work and drove to Valdosta. We then got up on Saturday, enjoyed breakfast at Shoneys and then finished our trip to Miami. Everyone thinks we are crazy for making the 12 hour trip by car. Well, my husband was diagnosed a couple of months ago with two blood clots in his right leg resulting in two trips to the ER. A month before our cruise he went for a follow-up ultrasound and they noticed that one of the clots had moved into his deep vein and had moved into his thigh. The other clot moved behind his knee and was causing him tremendous pain. They put him on blood thinners and pain meds and sent him home. They told him that if he were to fly he’d need to be up and walking around the entire time we were up in the air. Well, since this is impossible we chose to drive and just stop every few hours and let him walk around.

We traveled to San Juan, St Thomas and St Maarten. All of which are amazing. Our favorite stop was St Maarten – we did a catamaran ride which had two stops - one to snorkel; and then to the beach. It was amazingly beautiful! I’ll post some pictures later as I’m posting via email.

On to the TTC part of our life…Nothing exciting at the moment.

I started taking progesterone on Tuesday. I have 4 more days to go. Every other time I’ve taken progesterone I’ve started my period two weeks to the day of starting the pills. Hopefully, this time will be the same. This will put me starting my cycle on May 19^th and hopefully IUI # 2 between June 2^nd and 5^th. So this is the plan for now…

I will not buy new work pants.

I JUST WON’T DO IT!! For some reason my pants are so tight today it’s hard to breathe. I don’t eat any different than I did pre-pregnancy. Why do my pants make me feel like I’ve eaten a big mack, extra large fries and a milk shake for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the last month? I hope some of my clothes will still fit me for the cruise. We leave this Friday and won’t be back until late on May 3rd. Woohoo! When we get back we’re joining a gym.

I went to the restroom not too long ago and looked at myself in the mirror. Holy crap. I look like I’ve popped. My body and I had a long conversation. I told it even though I should be 12 weeks pregnant with a cutie, I’m not. So it has to stop growing. It has to allow me to eat milk products*. It has to allow all of my clothes to fit me like they did just two months ago. And finally it has to realize that I’m not pregnant.

If my body continues this path of “popping” then I’m going to get some really strange looks on the cruise while I’m enjoying my so yummy Miami Vice’s that I’ve craved for some time now.

*Side note: A little over a month ago I tried to eat a few oreos and a small glass of milk after dinner and I felt so nauseous I had to go to bed. This happened again a week later. My husband and I went to a terrible new restaurant with another couple this past weekend. All of us left not even close to full because the food sucked so badly. We went to Dairy Queen afterwards for a blizzard. I ordered a small and got a quarter of the way into it and started feeling heavily nauseous. I’ve never had this problem until now.

Who do you think was more uncomfortable?

I got a call Friday evening from our insurance company. The lady verifies who I am and then goes on to say, “Our records indicate that you are pregnant.” My response was, “I was but I had a D&C last Friday.” The lady paused and then quickly stammered an apology. She was only calling to tell me about how they have a program for pregnant women.

Awesome. Call me in a few months and tell me about this. Hopefully at this point I'll need it.

Two days past D&C

D&C was performed on Friday. We had to be at the office at 6:30 AM so we had to leave our house at 5:30 AM. Holy cow - that is when I normally get up for work!! I was so tired that the paperwork asked me for the "Country" that I was born in and I put the county I was born in!! LOL!! At least we had a good laugh!

Once they took me back and I had to change into the extremely ugly gown and the oven mits for socks the nurse came in to put the IV in. She tried once in my right hand by giving me numbing medicine and then trying to stick the IV in. Notice I said "trying." It didn't work so well. So she had to try the inside of my arm. She finally got that to work but by that time I was close to passing out. Up until the past few years I've never had problems but this is my fourth time I've been really close. For some reason each time I think I can fight it off without telling the nurse it's happening and then I become so hot that I'm fanning myself and they realize what is happening.

Once I felt better and spoke to the doctor, nurse and anesthesiologist they finally took me back to the OR. The last I remember is laying back, hearing that they started the anesthesia and then putting the mask on me. It felt like it was two minutes later and I was waking up. I said "we're done already?" Once my husband arrived in the room my doctor said that everything went well but that since I had a LEEP done a few years back that my cervix was very small and I believe he said that they have to clamp something onto my cervix during the procedure? I'm not so sure since I was basically holding my eyes open. He stitched me up and I should be fine and it shouldn't affect me when I do get pregnant but he'll want it to be closely motitored and I'll need to be seen every two weeks in 2nd tri and every week in my 3rd.

Other than that everything has gone good. I've had minimal bleeding and barely any cramps. Once I got home I spent the day on the couch. This is how my day went: I took a short nap, my husband brought me Wendys for lunch, I watched my soap, took a long nap, watched a movie and my husband brought home Chilis for dinner.

I did ask my doctor when he thinks we can start a new cycle. He said that he wanted us to wait a month so on the first week of May we'll come in and he'll start me on progesterone to start my period and we can get started! I feel so lucky that he isn't making us wait three months like some others have to do. I feel like he completely understand us and knows that I am okay. I realize this happened for a reason and I've already moved on and look forward to what the furture holds for us. I know that looking at the situation that our bright side is that we can get pregnant. This next time we'll pray even harder for a sticky healthy baby!